Super Sized!
by Katalystik
Summary: AU. Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. NOTE: This fanfic still exists because its readers rock so hard I can't see straight.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Super Sized! 

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 1

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither know what to do about. AU Crackfic.

Author's Note: Because I like the idea of Axel having a demeaning job and still being cool and gay. Enter McDonald's prototype and Roxas. AU. AxelRoxas, or as I like to say: Axas! Oh, and this is pretty OOC. By STRICT CANON STANDARDS.

Notes B: I am justified in making Roxas a fat kid because... popsicles, man. LET'S GET ICE CREAM GUYZ YEAH. By fat kid, I mean it in the Ohio way. Not fat. Just a skinny kid who likes food. A lot. :D

* * *

Chapter One

* * *

It was a routine for Roxas, a daily clockwork schedule that orbited solely around his teenage desire for all that was greasy, fried, and on a bun. It really wasn't his fault- the BurgerMart was built directly in the middle of his four block trek to and from school, and trying to avoid the wafting odors of salt, meat, and meat byproducts was not something he was strong enough to do on a daily basis. He fingered the lunch money he had saved over, plodding out of school and avoiding a few close crashes with students eager to be free. There was nothing like a few bells of chem lab to get a kid hungry, that was to be sure. 

"Hey, Roxas!" An arm slung around his shoulder, adding the the weight of his backpack and making his back cringe. Roxas turned his head, only to be confronted with a headful of spiky blonde hair. He spit a bit out of his mouth, politely.

"Tidus." He greeted, smiling while subtly maneuvering out from under the other boy's arm. He shifted the straps of his backpack and started to walk. His stomach growled, unfed and surly. He patted it in an appeasing manner.

Tidus followed him, trudging along with his arms linked behind his head. "Man, I'm beat." He complained, "Not to mention toally screwed." He kicked at a rock in a futile, angry manner, and proceeded to trip over it clumsily, arms flailing.

Roxas really didn't care why Tidus was screwed. Roxas really didn't care about much, actually. People always did this- assumed he wanted to associate with them. Like Tidus. What was wrong with this kid? Roxas was quite obviously busy and hungry. He grunted something that could have been a 'go on' or a 'go the fuck away'. He meant it as 'go the fuck away', though.

Tidus went on. "You know our new principal? That DiZ guy? Totally busted me for skipping out on chem in the bathroom." He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, decided he liked the noice, and did it a few times again. "I'm suspended from blitzball for a whole week. Argh. So not fair."

Roxas had tried out for the blitzball team, but was not very good at keeping the ball in the air. He marked it off as a fleeting fancy and went on with his life.

Tidus sighed in a noisy fashion.

Roxas remembered he was supposed to act like he cared. "It's not like you really missed anything in chem, anyway. You can borrow my notes, if you want." The last time Tidus had borrowed his notes he had returned them covered in salsa stains and a questionably orange substance that, upon a tentative lick, was dried nacho cheese. He would most likely have to laminate his notes from now on.

Roxas found himself being engulfed in Tidus' famous 'noogie-hug', which, true to its name, was essentially a intrusive hug combined with a even more intrusive noogie. "Man, I owe you one!" He said enthusiastically. He let Roxas go. Roxas immediately set himself to working his hair back into some state of order. "I'll grab them from ya tommorow mor-" Tidus scrunched his nose, disgusted. "What is that smell?"

Roxas, so caught up in wanting Tidus to leave him alone, was unaware that they were upon the very structure of his desire- there, before him, lie his glowing vision of after school bliss. He raised his eyes to the glowing arches of the golden "B" sign in something akin to reverence. His stomach squealed embarrasingly.

Tidus took a step back, a hand to his face. "Ugh, I can't stand that smell." He brought the collar of his hoodie over his nose, retreating still. "Once I bit into one of their burgers and hit a pocket of pure grease, man. I was puking for hours."

Roxas' knees shook a little, at that. Grease. Mm. He shook himself a little. "So, you don't want to join? I was going to grab a bite." He was ninety percent sure, by the way he was acting, that Tidus would refuse. If he did join... well, Roxas could always loogie in his drink while he wasn't looking.

"Ugh. Man, thanks, but no thanks." Tidus waved a hand queasily at him, wrist limp. "See ya tomorrow, man."

Roxas waved at his retreating form, smiling.

* * *

The first thing that hit Roxas upon entering BurgerMart (Tidus-free, thank god), was the glorious smell of frying food products. His stomach leapt in expectant joy at the scent and Roxas couldn't keep a stupid smile off of his face. He let the door swing shut and vaguely registered the tinkling of a bell above the doorframe, heralding his entrance.

The place was relatively packed after school, and Roxas navigated himself and his backpack into a place in the line, where he proceeded to stare dumbly at the flourescent glare of the menu. Burgers, fries, double burgers with chesse, super sized fries... so many options, really. He tapped his foor impatiently, willing the line to move faster. After what seemed like an eternity he made his way to the front, and by then his stomach was sounding something like a strange chainsaaw. He planted his hands on the tile of the counter, ready to deliver his order.

But the employee didn't ask for his order. Instead, he just kinda... stared at Roxas awkawrdly, the way one stares at a streaker. Like you just saw something you had no idea how to cope with.

After a few seconds of this, right before Roxas was about to break the eerie moment and order his damn food already, the BurgerMart employee reached over the counter and grabbed Roxas' wrist, yanking him forward. Hard. Roxas let out a small noise and his stomach let out a loud groan. Roxas looked around wildly. Where was the line that was just there! Where did everyone go! He was being abducted by a worker on minimum wage! All around his he saw people eating their food happily, but no one seemed to see what was going on with him.

He turned, struggling, back towards the register-man, who still hadn't let go. Peircing green eyes regarded Roxas seriously from underneath a ridiculous fast food uniform visor, and Roxas considered screaming. But then he could be banned from BurgerMart forever.

"Let me go," He snarled, yanking at his wrist, trying to loose it from the employee's strong grip. He remembered what his mom had told him if he ever got hit by a car and was lying on the road bleeding- get the license plate number. He craned his neck, peeking at the guy's name-plate. Axel. Well, that was a dumb name. Why couldn't he be assualted by someone with a cool name like 'Butch' or 'Bub'?

'Axel' didn't let go of him, and it was starting to hurt, being pulled against the counter like that. Man, did this guy even blink! He had been staring at Roxas, point blank, for what had to be a good thirty seconds now. Roxas considered knocking him one, but the prospect of a good burger still outweighed the creepiness of this guy.

"Roxas."

Roxas jerked back, this time freeing himself. "What!"

The guy leaned back, looking for all the world as if he had won the lottery. "Roxas!"

Roxas stepped back a little, alarmed. "Are you a mind reader?" Did the guy look inside his head? Was that what he was looking at?

Axel's face fell, and a little wisp of red hair drooped dejectedly over the visor. "What are you talking about? Roxas, don't you remember me? I mean, my hair is different and this apron is none too appealing to my physique, but still."

Roxas stared at the guy, totally out of it. What the hell was going on? Was this a conspiracy? Was he on one of those prank shows where a guy would pop at and reveal the joke? If so, did he get a free meal? Or maybe this guy was just crazy, pedophile stalker.

Taking the safe road, Roxas regarded the man the way he regarded his crazy old aunt Maleficent- in a pacifying manner. No sudden movements.

"Uh," Roxas said brilliantly. "I... don't remember you... but..."

The Axel character was looking at Roxas as if his very existance depended on whatever words were to come from his mouth next.

Roxas gathered himself. Sometimes the best way to overcome an obstacle was to ignore it. "But I would like two double bacon-cheese Martburgers." He crossed his fingers, hoping that the man-who-knew-his name would stop acting crazy. "Please."

Instead of leaping across the counter again to attack him, the Axel man instead surprised Roxas by proceeding to ring up his order, fingers deftly pushing the large, illustrated keys of the register.

'Huh. He really has no clue who I am.' Axel thought grimly to himself, slapping a tray on the counter, not able to help himself from grinning broadly at Roxas. The kid probably thought he was a nut. He must have been staring again, because Roxas stared back at him and raised an eyebrow. Axel wante to touch his eyebrow. He didn't, only because he didn't want Roxas to run away screaming.

"Don't you need money?" Roxas interjected, breaking the strange staring contest they had been holding. He really just wanted to pay and get out of here before the man did something weird. Weirder.

Axel was broken out of his wandering state of mind, a state of mind that consisted soley of 'It's Roxas it's Roxas it's Roxas let's stare at him'. He shook himself mentally. Okay, just because he hadn't seen the kid in... hell, a lifetime, and just because now that he had an actual heart for Roxas to affect did not mean he had the right to stare at him like he wanted to drink him up with a slurpee straw.

"Oh," Axel said, taken aback. "Don't worry about it. This one's on the house." The house being his personal wallet, of course. He smiled suavely and blew a hair out of his mouth, subtly. Damn stuff. If it weren't for his vanity he would shave it off.

Roxas shrugged and pushed the tray around, impatient. "Thanks." Great. Taking handouts from crazy strangers.

Another few moments of awkard silence passed, punctuated only by the angry growling of Roxas' stomach. Axel tried his damned best not to stare at the blonde boy, and instead fixed his attention on arranging the box of straws next to the register like the productive employee he was. A ding went off, announcing that Roxas' food was ready. Axel grabbed the burgers deftly, flinging them on a tray.

"Enjoy your food," he said pleasantly, sliding the tray to Roxas and ignoring the small voice in his head that said 'Jump him now and jump him good! Quick! Before he gets away! Again!' His eye twitched, a small sign of his mental resistance.

Roxas grabbed his tray and scurried away from the counter as if his life depended on it. What a weirdo.

Behind him, Axel all but swooned onto the counter, staring at Roxas' retreating form, totally unaware to the customer awaiting his attention.

* * *

AN: Ooooh, mysterious! XD Axel, you dog! Anyway, this is the first of many chapters... I don't know what I've gotten myself into. Since this is more of a relaxed fic for me, expect my biased fangirl pairings. And clingy, desperate Axel. Because he so is a Roxas-attention-whore, man. 

Oh, and Axel? Yeah, I just decided to like, reincarnate him from KH2. Because he really shouldn't have died, but should have lived on to have a HAPPY HEARTLESS LIFE with Roxas. Sora. Uh. If Riku would let him.

Anyway.

I hope you all enjoyed it! Expect the next chapter in a few days:) Comments, though not necessary, will be enjoyed immensely.

NEXT TIME, ON SUPER SIZED: Riku kills Sora's hamster and Roxas doesn't care. Axel is a goof. Tidus is annoying. Much sexual tension is to be had!


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Super Sized! 

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither know what to do about. AU Crackfic.

AN: I should point out, before hand, that Roxas is the only thing Axel can remember. This will be explained later... just didn't want to cause mass panic and confusion. XD All in due time, grasshoppers! That said, enjoy:)

* * *

**Chapter Two**

* * *

The next day in homeroom Roxas felt as if he had been hit by a large vehicle of some kind.

"You look like you've been hit by a truck," Tidus announced helpfully, leaning backwards in his seat and eyeing Roxas with wide, blue eyes. Roxasmoaned miserably and dug his head further into the comforting pillow of hisarms, all but collapsed onto his desk.

"Mmmnh." Roxas said.

It goes without saying that it is not advisable to show up at school on approximately two hours of sleep, but no one had ever told Roxas that. It wasn't as if he had stayed up doing something remotely cool or fun, like partying or watching porn like most kids bragged about- he had stayed up simply out of being unable to sleep.

It was weird, but he didn't /want/ to go sleep. Like once he turned off his light switch, something horrible would happen- like his arm would fall off orhe would implode or a tentacle monster would snatch him up and devour him alive. Either way, he didn't want to be in the dark, for one reason or another. So he had laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling while his bedside lamp had burned into his retinas, not thinking anything, just laying there.

Okay, so maybe he had been thinking about something. Someone, even.

But it wasn't as if he wanted to think about that weird cashier. Really, he rationalized, he had better things to do (like sleep) than sit around (or lay, as was the case) and think about some freakish BurgerMart employee. Even if the guy had paid for his food. Even if he had the greenest eyes in the world, greener than BurgerMart's artificial pickles.

Roxas whimpered into his makeshift arm pillow, tired beyond all comprehension. Maybe he could fake being sick and go home. Or go curl up in a janitor's closet or something. Distantly, people were talking all around him, about their weekends and their boyfriends and-

SLAM.

Ouch, that was loud. Roxas rolled his head over,cracking his eyes open just enough the see a pile of books that had been slammed onto the desk next to him, followed by a backpack and a clenched fist, all hitting the desk in rapid succession.

Roxas looked up and saw the scariest thing he had seen all morning- a very pissed off Sora.

Now, to be fair, Sora was not a scary looking person to behold, usually. If Roxas were to start knocking Sora's looks he would be insulting himself- they looked exactly the same, almost, if one to ignore their attitudes and hair.

Roxas was of the opinion his hair was about a million times cooler than Sora's, not that he would ever say anything.

They looked so alike that Sora had once drug Roxas, unwilling, to the mall for a "Hot Twins" contest, merely because the winners would receive free tickets to the cool new band, Soul Harvest. They had won, but the spoils had gone to waste. Neither Roxas' nor Sora's parents had let them go.

But all of that was beside the point, really.

Sora was nice to look at, as previously stated before, under normal conditions. Apparently, now was not a normal condition, as Sora's normally smiling face was contorted into the most hideously angry scowl Roxas had ever seen. His face was all scrunched up, eyebrows tight, lips pulled. Roxas reminded himself never to get angry again. It wasn't a good look.

Standing a ways off, his own backpack sat down on his allotted desk, was Riku. Roxas didn't really have much of an opinion of Riku. He was a smart-ass for one thing, and had pulled Roxas' hair in fourth grade, making him cry. He was also Sora's best friend, something that made Roxas feel the tiniest stirrings of jealousy, rumbling low and angry in his stomach.

Okay, so he lied. Roxas did have an opinion of Riku, and it wasn't a great one. But the guy wasn't that bad, just a bit of a pompous jerk more than anything.

Sora spun to face Riku, now having the attention of half to class, the other half being either too ditzy to realize there was some hardcore drama going down or busy scrambling to do homework unfinished the night before. Roxas stared in fascination as Sora stalked closer to Riku, the boys squaring off like cowboys in the western movie.

"You BASTARD." Sora growled.

Tidus whistled under his breath. "Someone's mad," He whispered, leaning in so Roxas could hear him. Roxas rolled his bloodshot eyes, now rather awake. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

"Sora, I said I'm sorry. Let it go already." Riku hissed, obviously not thrilled to be the spectacle of the classroom. He crossed his arms in an unconscious defensive gesture, glaring at Sora coldly.

Sora sputtered, face going red, blue eyes watery. "Let it go! You want me to let it go!"

Roxas wanted to ask what it was not being let go, but he was not, by nature, an intrusive boy, so instead chose to watch the scene in silence with the rest of the class.

Riku stepped forward, skirting a desk, and brought himself face to face with Sora, which, for Riku, involved quite a lot of leaning down. A sliver of Riku's pale hip, exposed by his tight shirt, was eye level with Roxas, who stared at it without meaning to.

"Yeah. Let it go." He growled. "It's over and done with."

Roxas ripped his eyes away from that peculiar bit of Riku-hip in time to see the second most horrifying sight of the day- Sora was actually crying. Not the girly kind of sobbing, where one would collapse onto the floor or hug a pillow or something, but a 'I-am-so-mad-I-am-actually-crying' sort of crying.

"I can't believe you. I thought we... I can't..." Sora struggled with words for a second, fists shaking. Roxas felt like he was watching a kid poke at a landmine with a stick- something not good was about to happen.

And something did.

Seconds later, Riku stumbled backwards, right into Roxas' desk. A collective gasp went around the room- the slackers had even stopped doing their homework to watch.

"Sora..." Riku murmured. "You just-" He held his hand over his eye, where Sora had just punched him. Roxas stared, unable to formulate coherent thought, except for, 'For such a small guy Sora can really pack a punch. Cool.'

Sora pulled his chair out from his desk, the legs dragging on the floor with an angry shriek. He sat down in the way a hurricane sits down, releasing a wave of danger and threat to all in the vicinity.

Riku, wordless, turned heel and stalked back to his desk and sat. His eye was already swelling shut, but he made no move to do anything about it.

Slowly but surely talk began to pick up again in the silent homeroom, and the slacker kids resumed their frantic homeworking and the ditzes their gossiping.

Tidus caught Roxas' eye, looking appropriately stunned. "Holy shit," he muttered, gesturing at Sora, who was pretending to act cool and read a Math book. Upside down. The boy reached up and scrubbed at his cheeks, unaware of their staring.

"Yeah," Roxas agreed, pulling his eyes away from Sora.

Well, if not anything else, today would be interesting.

* * *

In actuality, the day had proceeded without anything out of the ordinary happening. Roxas had fallen asleep through most of his classes, catching up on the night's sleep he had missed out on. This resulted in the ruination of his chemistry notebook, which was unfortunately soaked by what seemed to be a lake of drool. Roxas wasn't really bothered by this turn of events. He could always copy Tidus' notes, if worse came to absolute worse.

The last bell of the day found Roxas filing his books haphazardly into his locker, his small form being jostled about by the rush of ongoing students. Now that the day was over he just wanted to relax and grab a burger-

A burger. Wait. If he were to theoretically get a burger, which he had done after school every day of his high school life, he could, theoretically, have another awkward encounter with that Axel guy. His stomach was flipping, just thinking about it. Roxas frowned and shoved his science notebook in with more force than necessary, knocking some dust from the top of his locker. Dammit, he couldn't let this get to him. The guy was weird, that was all. Playing a prank on him. Nothing to worry about. Yet there was something about him, something that he couldn't put his finger on-

"Am I interrupting some deep, inner thought process?"

Roxas jumped good three inches in the air, a girlish squeak escaping his mouth. "S-Sora! How nice to see you." He managed, hand clinging to the door of his locker. He shot Sora a shaky smile. "What's up?"

Sora shifted his backpack on his shoulder, nimbly dodging the oncoming traffic of the hallway. "Not much, Rox." And there it was. Roxas sucked in a breath. The kicker. Sora had not called him 'Rox' since third grade, and absolutely no one had called him that since. It awoke some weird sense of familiarity between them, making Roxas smile nervously. Sora smiled back. "I was wondering... do you want to walk home with me?"

Roxas couldn't believe his ears. It was a well known fact that Riku, ever since fifth grade, had been Sora's transportation to and from school, even though he lived two miles away from the other boy while Roxas was practically across the street. Roxas gaped.

"But... don't you ride with Riku?" He blurted, shutting his locker without really looking. The door stuck on a pile of paper threatening to spill out, so he kicked it once, taming it into submission.

Instaneously, the light in Sora's face went out and the frightening scowl was back for a brief moment. "Not anymore," He said dully, pretending to check the time on his watch. He brightened back up a moment later, shooting Roxas one of his world-stopping smiles. "But I figured we haven't hung out in forever, man. It's about time we caught up on one another, right?"

"Yeah," Roxas said distantly. "We do need to get reacquainted." It was if he were a thousand miles off, watching this scene from out of his body. Sora and he, friends again? After all of this time? No way. No freaking waythis washappening.

"Great!" Sora exclaimed, grabbing Roxas' arm. "I'm starved, first thing. Wanna grab a bite to eat?"

Roxas smiled, the expression almost out of place on his normally somber face. "Yeah, sounds great." He replied, allowing himself to be bodily dragged from the school, Sora never once letting go of his arm, all the while chatting amiably.

Roxas couldn't help but smile the whole way to BurgerMart.

* * *

"Hello, ladies," Axel said in his best cashier voice, totally aware that his manager was watching him intently. "What will your order be this fine day?" A piece of hair invaded his mouth while he spoke. He spit it out discreetly, only to have it creep back in again. His eye twitched.

The girls in line froze like deer in headlights, staring at him. "What?" One said, dumbstruck.

Axel sighed laboriously. Yes, it was not easy being damnably sexy day in and day out, but it wasn't as if he wore a sign that said 'please, drool over me'. In fact, he wore an apron that was none too appealing to his fine physique, which should have had the opposite effect. But it didn't. He smiled patiently at the girls.

"He's smiling at us," One twittered, nudging the other in the arm. She blushed.

Her friend seemed to snap out of a daze. "Don't let him hear us!" She hissed to her friend, before turning to Axel with a shy smile.

'Bitch, please.' Axel thought, disgusted at the primal display of flirtation aimed at his person. 'Order and get out.' Not that he wasn't flattered. He was.

"I want a salad." The smiling girl said.

"I want an order of fries, a large drink and a Double Extra Super MartBurger, please." The blushing girl said.

Axel rung up their orders with quick, practiced strokes to the register and slid their meals to them. "Have an enjoyable meal!" He chorused. His manager's eyes burned into his back. 'Good grief,' he thought. 'It's like I'm a criminal.'

Okay, so he did almost-kinda-maul a customer the day before, but he had perfect reason for it. If question on it, he would reply 'But sir, the only person I have ever loved in a previous life reappeared suddenly, looking as hot and cute as ever and I really just couldn't help myself. I also gave him a free meal.'

His stomach did a few somersaults upon thought of Roxas.He willed it to stop-

And saw Roxas. His stomach resumed its acrobatics, smug.

Some kid was with Roxas, touching Roxas' arm and leaning close to his face.Axel narrowed his eyes to emerald slits, his theoretical haunches raising. Something the boy said made Roxas laugh as they approached the counter. Axel inexplicably wanted to strangle him.

Roxas paused in his laughing, feeling Axel's gaze on him, and looked up.

Straight up, blue eyes lining up directly with Axel's, making Axel's heart implode and explode all at the same time. It was really all Axel could do to not throw Roxas down on the nearest table and have his way with him, his way being a way filled with sweat and moaning and perhaps a few french fries-

Anyway. So yes, Roxas met Axel's eyes.

And looked away.

Instead, the boy with Roxas, the little rat bastard, looked up at Axel with a grin brighter than nuclear radiation, his bright eyes flashing with unmistakable hunger. Roxas continued to ignore Axel, like a knife to his heart. 'Come on, at least look at me,' Axel begged, mentally. Behind him, his manager coughed.

"I'm going to go find seats, Sora," Roxas said, turning around. "I'll take whatever you get." He didn't even bother to glance at Axel or say hello to Axel or jump over they counter and make out with Axel. Axel felt both depressed and furious at the same time.

"That's fine," The kid responded, looking at the menu.

"What would you like to order?" Axel asked, teeth gritted and eyes trained on Roxas' back.

The Sora kid, as Roxas had called him, put a hand to his chin, deep in thought. Axel hated him silently from behind the counter.

Then Sora looked up, decision in his eyes, and Axel's mind reeled. Whoa. There was something weird in the way that kid looked that sent Axel for a loop all of a sudden. He couldn't put his finger on it, like a dream after you've woken up, something elusive and misty.

"I'll take two number ten's, please, with two extra orders of fries and a double extra large Cherry soda." Sora said, happy with himself for making such a large order.

Axel frowned. "Don't you mean two Cherry sodas?"

Sora shrugged, grinning sheepishly. "My friend and I can share."

Axel rang up the order, suddenly in a foul mood. "That'll be sixteen oh-seven," He ground out, not looking at Sora. The kid took the tray of food and wandered off, unaware of Axel sending death glares into his back.

There was definitely something about that kid, he decided, that he just didn't like.

* * *

AN: Dude, I know the whole "Ah Axel hates Sora wtf!" thing will throw some people off, but have no fear, it's just jealousy. XD Ohooo.

I hope everyone is okay with the story so far? If you have any problems with characterization please let me know. :) I'm sorry this chapter wasn't as fun as the last, but it was still fun as hell to write!

Thank you for the reviews:) I wish I could reply to them all right now, but I have limited internet access. :( But I really do appreciate every one of them! Muahaha. Yes, I dooooo. -hugs and kisses-

Expect the next chapter in a few days or so!

NEXT TIME: What are Sora and Riku really arguing about? Eh? Sora confides his innermost secrets to Roxas and Axel reveals his innermost... phone number to Roxas. WILL HE CALL? DUH DUH DUUUUH! All that and more!


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Super Sized! 

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 3?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main. Roxas/Sora... almost. AH!

AN: This is a very short chapter. I'm so sorry! It may be a bit... strange, too. But as consolation, I'll post another chapter later tonight. Like, in the A.M.'s. Haha. Wow. :) And I may have lied in the last 'NEXT TIME'. I write those before I write the actual chapter... haha. But Axel will give Roxas his number. Yeeeeah baby.

Thank you all for the reviews:) I LOVE YOU ALL MUAH. 3

Yeah.

* * *

Chapter 3

* * *

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither know what to do about. AU Crackfic. 

It was amazing how much Sora could talk, Roxas thought, slurping the grease off of his fingers and watching the other boy with rapt amazement. Sora had, so far, been babbling non-stop for the past nineteen minutes- the precise time it took Roxas to scarf down two double bacon-cheese MartBurgers, one large fry, part of a napkin (on accident- it had concealed itself in his first burger), and half of the shared soda.

Roxas discreetly eyed Sora's food, which had yet to be touched. Against his better judgement, he decided to not snag one of his burgers, which sat there so temptingly, so delicious. Roxas swallowed the drool that invaded his mouth and cursed his extremely hyper metabolism.

"...and then my gum just flew out of my mouth! Right over my head!" Sora made some extreme hand motions, breaking Roxas out of his hunger-lust. He nodded, as if he had been paying attention. Sora clamped his hands on the edge of the table, eyes wide and chest heaving. "It was /wild/."

"Sound like it." Roxas said, trying to sound slightly enthusiastic. He took a deep quaff of the soda, finishing it off in a desperate effort to tame the roaring beast of his stomach. Sora didn't notice that he had gotten not one sip of the super-sized soda, or just didn't care.

"So..." Sora finally unwrapped one of his burgers, considering it. He turned his gaze towards Roxas, who was staring at his burger with something akin to bloodlust. Sora frowned and took a large, possessive bit of the burger. A bit of grease dribbled down his chin. He wiped it off with the back of his hand. "How's life for you?"

Roxas sat back, eyes unwillingly travelling to Sora's chin, where a streak of grease remained, shining in the cheap florescent lighting. An alarming mental picture came to mind- he could very easily lean across the table and lick that delectable trace from Sora's chin, very easily. He banished the thought without further analysis. Hungry minds were a scary thing.

When Roxas replied, he looked away, not meeting Sora in the eye. Sora took this as shyness, but little did he know Roxas was putting up a mighty effort not to lick his chin.

"Well..." Roxas didn't know where to start. Compared to Sora, he certainly didn't have an exciting enough life to fill up nineteen minutes nonstop. The most exciting thing that had happened this year was Aunt Maleficent's escape (and immediate capture) from the crazy house. He struggled for a moment, unsure of what to say. "Life is good." He finally managed.

Sora nodded, satisfied with his answer. He took a second to stuff a large handful of fries into his mouth, eyebrows contorted in thought. "Sho," He said, trying and almost succeeding to speak through a mouthful of mushed potato product. He swallowed, a mammoth effort considering he had at least four potatoes worth of french fry in his mouth. "What about your love li-"  
Sora was interrupted, quite rudely, but a mysterious hand clapping onto his shoulder. It was only a mystery because both of the boys at the table spent a whole ten seconds staring at the hand (it was a nice hand, to be sure, with nicely manicured fingernails) before glancing up at the owner of the hand.

Roxas sprang up, unfortunately banging his thighs on the table. That would leave a bruise. "You!" He hissed, pointing vindictively.

Axel removed his hand from Sora's shoulder. "Me!" He said suavely, butt-shoving Sora over so he could sit down. His hair, free from it's troublesome visor, spilled over his shoulders, bright as ketchup. Roxas stared at it, entranced for a moment-

Sora spoke up, a little confused as to why the cashier felt the need to come over and interrupt their meal. "Do you know each other, Roxas?" Subtly, Sora moved his tray closer to himself, obviously harboring the fear that the stranger would move in on his food. He was extremely skinny, after all, and probably ravenous.

"No," Roxas said, in the way-too-fast way people use when they try to hide the fact they are actually telling a really big lie. "I've never seen him in my life."

Sora frowned, not noticing when Axel stole a french fry. "But you just said 'You!' like you knew him." Damn Sora for being so analytical and observational, Roxas thought. Damn him to hell.

Roxas slowly sat back down, eyeing Axel like he was going to pull another act like the previous day's episode. "I... he overcharged me for my meal, once."

"Did not!" Axel protested.

Sora finally noticed Axel's continuing french-fry theft and smacked his hand away.

A tense silence fell over the table, broken only by the sound of Sora eating his food at a high speed pace, fearing Axel's wandering fingers.

"So," Axel began, leaning back and crossing his legs. "Are you guys... dating?" It wasn't a great way to break the ice, but Axel had to know. His heart was pounding like a jackhammer in his chest.

There were two courses of action he could take upon receiving an answer.

If the answer was 'no', he would proceed to continue his loving, stalker-like ways within the confines of the resteraunt until Roxas fell desperately in love with him. Or remembered him. Unless the whole 'I knew him in a past life thing' was all a big dream, which would mean Axel's whole purpose of existence was an extremely cruel joke played on him by someone upstairs.

If the answer was 'yes', he would simply kill Sora and proceed to continue his loving, stalker-like ways within the confines of the resteraunt until Roxas fell desperately in love with him. Easy as pie.

Both Roxas and Sora stopped what they were doing (which, in Sora's case, was demolishing a large burger in record time and in Roxas' case... absolutely nothing) and stared at him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Roxas demanded, eyes wide. What a freak. What an absolute freak! "Shouldn't you be working? Or stalking someone else?"

Axel shrugged. "I'm on break. Chill out... I just asked a simple question." A simple question that determined whether the Sora kid would leave the restaurant alive or in bloody, burning pieces.

Another silence, even more awkward than before. Axel considered initiating a game of footsie with Roxas under the table, but had a feeling the action would not be appreciated at this stage of the game.

Sora surprised them all by bursting out in laughter. "Me?" He gasped. "Date /Roxas?" He collapsed onto the table, getting ketchup all over his face.

Roxas, offended, hoped that Sora was allergic to ketchup and went blind. What was wrong with him? Just because he never had gone out with anyone before or wasn't popular or smelled after gym class didn't mean he was laughable! In fact, he was WAY out of Sora's league! What an ass!

Axel smiled. "So that's a no?" Good job, Sora, you have just won the right to live.

Roxas stood up, this time not bruising the hell out of his thighs. "I don't need this," he hissed. He really didn't. Here he was, having a perfectly good date- no, late lunch with Sora, the weird... freak just had to show up and ruin it. "I'm leaving."

Sora tried to stop him, but couldn't breathe. He smacked at his knee in a futile manner, trying to stop his laughter. He failed.

Roxas began to stalk off, regretting the whole event, when a warm hand on his wrist stopped him.

And then /it/ happened.

/It/ wasn't something Roxas could really describe. The reseraunt shrunk out of view like some bad special effect. His lungs constricted sharply and the ground felt like it had fallen from under his feet. Fractured thoughts flew in and out of his brain, totally alien to him, like they belonged to someone else. He could distinctly feel Axel there, holding onto his wrist, a warm something as everything else grew cold. For a minute, he knew he was himself, but not himself.

It was very weird, to put in plainly.

Roxas let out a heaving breath, and then it was over. he was back in BurgerMart, and Axel was still touching him. And old woman in a booth was looking at him with alarm.

"Get off me," Roxas said weakly. Sora was still laughing, a distant, background noise. "Get off of me now."

Axel looked up at him, face serious- the first time Roxas had seen the expression on the boy (not that he had seen him much). He let go, slowly, fingers lingering right on Roxas' pulse point, hot. Roxas wondered if he had felt it too.

Axel started to say something, his green, green eyes trying to capture Roxas' gaze. Roxas didn't want to hear it.

"Shut up." He said coldly. Goosebumps were forming on his arms and the back of his neck. Sora finally stopped laughing.

I gotta get out of here, Roxas thought, frantically. He turned, still feeling as if the floor wasn't there, and ran, ignoring Sora's calls after him.

Axel smiled weakly, his hand rising to his apron, right over his heart. Maybe I'm not crazy, he thought to himself. Maybe... he's remembering too.

* * *

AN:... Yep. That's how we work it down here, yo! -gang sign- 

I probably should not do that. Urg.

NEXT TIME: Riku gets Sora a puppy and... Axel really actually does give Roxas his number.


	4. Chapter 4

Super Sized! Chapter 4 

Title: Super Sized!

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 4?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither know what to do about. AU Crackfic.

AN: It's three a.m. I am so tired my eyes are... scratchy and itchy, yet I am still writing. Owwie. 3 Anyway! I don't know what to think about this chapter. Gratuitous Riku/Sora. Plus a motocycle and Roxas! Whoo! PURE GOLD, I TELL YOU, IS WHAT I HAVE HERE.

That said, I hope you like. In the meantime, I need to sleep!

Thank you all for you lovely reviews! They're the only reason I stayed up to this ungodly hour to post!

* * *

"Roxas! Roxas, come on, wait up!"

It had taken ten blocks of a mix between walking, jogging, and power-walking for Sora to gain any kind of distance on Roxas, who was still a good hundred yards from him. How the hell the boy was able to get out of that restauraunt so fast was beyond Sora- he wasn't in there for even a minute after Roxas left, and it was a good thing he lived on the same street as the other boy or he would have had no clue where he had gone.

Sora made a last, desperate attempt to sprint at Roxas, hoping at least to get his attention before his lungs exploded and the street crews had to wipe his dead body from the sidewalk. 'This is why I do not play sports,' Sora thought bitterly, his eyes watering. Roxas, still ignoring him adamantly, was only ten feet in front of him... five... one-

"Son of a bitch!" Roxas had never given the phrase "kiss the ground you walk on" any thought before, but now that he was quite literally having quite the intimate lips-to-ground session he knew it wasn't a pleasant thing. He flung his arms out, trying to dislodge the weight pinning him to the small strip of grass between sidewalk and street. The weight groaned and sniffled, the noise very close to his ear. Roxas was suddenly aware of a growing, wet warmth on his shoulder- hot almost, with a coppery scent to it. He struggled a bit more and was free of his burden.

"You freaking TACKLED me." Roxas said in disbelief, pushing a very dazed and breathless Sora away from him. He sat up, slowly, feeling like a train had hit him. Which was true, more or less. Sora was a truly devious being, hiding the force of two tons withing his small frame. He glared at Sora, who was laying prone on the ground next to him. "What, was making fun of me not good enough?"

Roxas surprised himself, sometimes, like that time he jumped off his roof totally on a random whim, believing with all of his heart he would land on his legs like a video-game character, unscathed. (He had broken ten bones and sustained a two day coma. His eyes still crossed when he stood up too fast, sometimes.) But this was a different kind of surprise (and a lot less painful of one, certainly). He was usually not one to provoke any kind of unpleasant conversation- hell, he wasn't one to instigate any conversation, usually, but when someone both laughs at the prospect of dating you and then tackles you in the same hour it doesn't put you in the greatest of moods.

"I didn't make fun of you." Sora said, voice muffled in the grass, away from Roxas. "Just... dating you would be like dating my twin, and people would think we were gay twins, and that would be pretty funny. Haha, gay twins. Phht." Sora let out what seemed to be a rather wet, painful chuckle. He did not move from his position in the grass.

Roxas didn't know which to be more concerned about- Sora's mental health or Sora's physical health. Gay twins, in his opinion, was no laughing matter. He reached out a hand and tentatively placed it on Sora's still shoulder. "Are you okay?" A tinge of anger still remained in his voice, cold.

Sora twitched his shoulder out of Roxas' grip with a whine. "Hurts. Don't touch me." He made a sad attempt to sit up, which consisted of a lot of kicking and a jerky try at rolling over. All Sora suceeded in doing, however, was to roll onto his back, breathing heavily and groaning in pain.

Roxas stared.

Sora moaned pathetically.

"I think you've broken your nose," Roxas announced distantly, staring at Sora with the same distate one who recieved socks for Christmas would wear. Roxas had never seen a broken nose before, but he was pretty sure this is what it would look like. He could hardly discern Sora's face from all the blood dripping from it- globs of it, speckled here and there with blades of grass and grit, caked to his cheeks.

In a detached train of thought, Roxas recalled the wetness on his shirt, coppery and warm. He craned his head to gaze at his shoulder, and sure enough, a large, crimson stain was happily making sure he would never, ever wear the shirt again.

Sora made another attempt to sit up, but was pushed back down again by a firm pair of hands on his shoulders.

Roxas had seen a video in health class, once, that instructed, in case of injury, to make sure the person lay down and keep the effected area elevated. Of course, in the video, the person had pillows to prop their sprained ankle on. Sora had a nosebleed and Roxas' lap.

"Hello," Sora said faintly, staring up at Roxas. "I'm bleeding on you, you know."

Roxas winced, fishing around for his cell phone. Would an ambulance be too extreme in this case? He hoped not. He looked down at Sora, jostling the boy a bit as he raised himself up to check his back pocket. "Don't remind me," He said softly, realizing that the warmth on his lap was less of Sora's head and more of Sora's blood. "Can't you... uh... plug that up, or something?"

Sora shrugged, bleeding freely. "I can walk, you know. I'm sure I can go home and put ice on it." He spit out some blood, grimacing.

Roxas was offended. "But the video said to elevate the injured area."

Sora shrugged. "Okay. Wow, this hurts." He sniffled, and Roxas could barely make out a few tears coursing their way through the blood. Roxas felt a surge of sympathy. It was his fault his shoulder was so bony, after all.

"Don't worry, help will be here soon." He said, finally feeling his cell phone in his pocket. He wiggled to get it out-

Huh. The last time he checked, his cell phone was one piece, not ten. He stared at the ruined piece of gadgetry in complacent shock. That sucked.

"I feel a bit faint," Sora announced, licking blood from his lips.

Roxas felt a bit panicky, but smug. He knew Sora couldn't have walked. Ha. He would have passed out within three blocks. Then the panic came. What was he supposed to do with a passed out Sora on the side of the street? He could always leave him to fend for himself, but that seemed so heartless. He was not a heartless boy.

"It's okay," Roxas said helplessly. "Take deep breaths or something."

Sora frowned. "My nose won't work for that. It's kinda broken."

Roxas opened his mouth to reply, when-

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRM.

Sora jerked up, a stream of blood spilling onto the grass. He had a 'deer in headlights' look as he looked back at Roxas, shaking visibly from blood loss. "Oh, no." He whispered.

Usually when people said 'oh no' with the same amount of panic Sora had said it in, it usually meant a volcano was about to blow or someone had laced the wine with arsenic or Aunt Melificent had gotten the baseball bat again. Roxas was confused. None of those things were happening, actually. The only thing that happening, though, was a motorcycle approaching them. Motorcycle's weren't that scary.

Roxas stared as the motorcycle drove past them, expecting something scary and dramatic to happen like Sora's face was predicting. Nothing did. Sora relaxed against him-

Until the motorcycle stopped and pulled the sickest U-turn Roxas had ever seen in the time span of two seconds. Sora, in a last-ditch effort, lunged at Roxas and buried his bleeding face in Roxas' shirt. The motorcycle approached them, slowing down-

"Sora!" There was something very famaliar about the person on the motorcycle, Roxas thought in a daze, trying to push Sora off of himself. Something very, very familiar, in the way his grey hair blew in the wind, his pale skin shone in the sun-

Roxas raised his hand in greeting, at a loss of what to do. "Hi, Riku."

Riku (for it was Riku, right down to the flowing silver hair and pale skin) jumped off of his motorcycle and tried to kick the kickstand down, but was in such a hurry he only succeeded in stubbing his toe on the wheel. He cursed softly to himself and rushed over to where Roxas had aquired a new, Sora-shaped body extension, looking the worst Roxas had ever seen him.

Roxas had seen a lot of bad-Riku days. Like the time Riku had challenged Sora in a 'I bet I can stay up longer than you' contest, where he had been witness to the frightnening sight of Riku after four days of no sleep. Or the time when Riku had found out the goats at the petting zoo were partial to silver hair (the petting zoo employees had had to tranquilize the goats to get them off of Riku- but by then it was too late, and Riku's hair was unsalvagable. He had been bald for at least a week, to Roxas' endless self enjoyment.) Or the time Riku had eaten the school lunch and had broken out in hives.

But not even a bald Riku could have pulled off looking this bad. His normally teal eyes were bloodshot, his skin a shade sicklier than his normal tone. Even his clothes didn't fit as tightly as normal.

And, if it wasn't Roxas' imagination, he smelled very unpleasant.

Riku walked over to them, something clutched in his arm, shielded from view. "Sora," He croaked (even his voice sounded bad). "I've looked everywhere for you."

Sora mumbled something and dug deeper into the space known as Roxas's chest.

"He's got a bit of a problem," Roxas explained, pushing even harder at Sora. Riku stared at him, frowning.

"What is it?"

Roxas gave up trying to get Sora off of him. "He broke his nose and is bleeding all over me."

Riku started, causing whatever was in his arms to let out a squeak. "He broke his nose?"

"And is bleeding all over me."

Riku ignored that part, instantly dropping to his knees beside them. He pulled Sora off of Roxas in one swift movement, showing off a lot more strength than Roxas possessed. He blanched at Roxas' shirt, which was now officially more blood than actual shirt. "Holy shit!"

"Get off of me," Sora said, weakly.

Riku looked up at Roxas, stern. "Hold this, will you?" He placed something warm in Roxas' hands, not waiting for an answer.

Roxas looked down at his hands. A little black puppy stared up at him cutely. Roxas blinked. The puppy bit his palm.

Meanwhile, Riku was had his hands full trying to get Sora to look at him, which was quite a task seeing Sora obviously didn't want to.

"Sora-"

"Not listening."

"Sora-"

"Get off of me."

"Sora-!"

"I don't care-"

"SORA. SHUT UP. I AM SORRY AND I GOT YOU A PUPPY."

Everthing went still. Riku's yell echoed through the otherwise quite suburb, making Roxas, the puppy, and Sora stare at him in disbelief.

"What?" Sora sounded shocked, and it was most likely a good thing he was sitting down because the force of Riku's voice would have sent him flying. His incredulous expression was barely visible through the layer of blood caked over his features, but Roxas was pretty sure he shared the same shocked look as himself.

Riku looked a bit embarassed, his eyes dropping from Sora's to instead focus on an extremely interesting blade of grass. "I... I said. I'm sorry. I know how much Mickey meant to you." His voice was soft, and Roxas had the feeling that he was invading a very private conversation. The puppy started a fight with his thumb as he watched Sora and Riku is rapt, nosy fascination.

Sora frowned. "He was the best hamster in the world, Riku, and you acted like it was my fault I was mad at you." He made a soft, unhappy noise in his throat, and Roxas hoped to god he wasn't going to cry.

Riku took Sora's hand in his own, patting it awkardly and turning it over. "I'm sorry- I knew he meant a lot to you. I had no clue my cat could chew through plastic, Sora, I swear."

With a slight smile (barely discernible thorugh the blood, once again,) Sora met Riku's eyes. "I should have known never to trust anything with you, anyway. Three days of vacation and I come back to death and destruction."

Riku smiled, a bit hesistantingly, but brighter once he realized Sora was, in his own way, forgiving him for the gruesome death of his beloved hamster, Mickey. "I felt so guilty," He said, his voice just like the tone the heroes of movies use just before they ravish their heroines. "I thought you would hate me."

Sora laughed, something which should never be attempted with a broken nose, because it sounded a lot more like a car breaking down than a seventeen year old boy laughing. "I could never hate you." He replied, wiping some blood off of his hand onto his pants. "I was just mad. You look like crap, man."

"I couldn't sleep," Riku admitted, looking shy. Roxas wanted to find a tree and beat his head into it over and over until the sappy images of the two were gone. The puppy started to sleep on his leg.

"I have to go home," Roxas announced, feeling extremely awkward. He didn't much like being an unwilling third wheel.

Sora and Riku looked at him like someone looks at a third arm they had just grown, like they had never seen him before.

"I have your puppy." Roxas added, helpfully. They had seemed to forget the little guy, too. He yipped in his sleep and wagged his tail. Roxas pet his with the tip of his finger, afraid to wake him lest awaken the puppies apparent anger towards his thumb once more.

Sora broke out in a grin and grabbed the puppy, cutting his nap short. "A puppy!" he exclimed, all traces of dizzyness and faintness gone. "You got me a puppy!"

Riku stood up, wiping the dirt off his pants. His appearance had seemed to have improved a thousand times over, and he was smiling, goofily. "Yeah, I did." He said dumbly, looking as happy as Sora.

Sora frowned momentarily. "I can't say I can really smell anything seeing that my nose is crushed in, but you smell a lot like pee, Riku."

Riku shrugged. "The puppy peed on me on the way here." He motioned towards the wet spot on his shirt, right next to a random splotch of Sora-blood that looked remarkably like a smiley face. "Come on, we should get you to a hospital."

Sora flailed stupidly, another attempt to get up. "I can't get up," He said helplessly, looking up at Riku with a pout. Roxas reached out to help him, but Riku got there first, bending over to scoop Sora up within his arms, bridal style. The puppy yelped at Roxas, growling from his perch on Sora's chest. Roxas felt vaguely threatened.

"That better?" Riku asked, giving Sora a bounce. Roxas felt his eye twitch. Ugh. He could feel the cavities growing, almost.

Sora laughed, the weird car-breaking-down noise again, causing the puppy to stare at him in alarm. "Wait, Riku, I think I forgot-" His blues eyes flashed at Roxas, recognition dawning on him. "Roxas! Oh yeah! I've got soemthing for you!"

Roxas stepped forward, numbly. He really didn't want to step withing two feet of Riku and Sora, afraid their strange, sappy ambiguity would infect him and make him act like a total idiot too. He did, anyway, taking his chances. Sora dug within his pocket. tongue poking out from his lips with the effort. Riku stared at it.

"Ah! Found it!" Sora produced a small strip of paper victoriously. The puppy bit at it, but Sora pulled it out of his reach. "This is for you."

Roxas took it, not even looking at it. "Thanks. You should get going, you know." Sora's nose had started to bleed again.

Riku nodded and began to walk towards his motorcylce, careful with his load.

Sora waved at him as he was being set onto the seat of the bike, smiling widely. "Let's have lunch tomorrow!" He yelled, squeaking when Riku revved up the engine and clutching the puppy to him. The puppy barked at Roxas in farewell.

They were gone within two seconds, but Roxas stared at the road dumbly, feeling as if he had just survived a nuclear blast. Only then, feeling totally numb to the world, did he look at the paper Sora had gven him. Lightly fringed in blood.

Roxas smiled, an unconscious gesture, because if he had know he was smiling he would have replaced the ecpression with horror and disgust.

"Call me, Roxas." The paper (a receipt, he noticed) read in scratchy handwriting. "Any time you want, preferably now. 876-9999."

"Love, Axel."

* * *

...OH THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME. That Axel. He should know better than to give out his number like that. Roxas could be a stalker! THEN WHAT AXEL? EH?

Gee, I am really tired. I will stop this rambling and sleep. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

NEXT TIME: Roxas and Axel talk dirty on the telephone line. Well, Axel does, anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Super Sized! 

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 5?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither know what to do about. AU Crackfic.

AN: This chapter was super hard to write, because it's more of a thresh-hold than anything. I think I crossed some lines of OOC here- please tell me if it's unbearable. Also, this chapter is a teeny bit more serious than the rest so far- and a bit shorter.

Enough of that. XD All that said, enjoy. I hope this isn't as horrible as I think it is. :3

* * *

"Do YOU want to have the perfect washboard abs and cement buns?"

Axel stared at the television, eyes glazed over and remote dangling limp from his hand. "I do," He replied mournfully, regarding the buff television announcer with a bit of envy. He looked down at himself, comparing his flat stomach to the chiselled ones glaring out from the infomercial. A pair of girlish hips looked back at him, sneering from their position above the waistline of his boxers.

'Girly man,' They said.

Axel frowned and crossed his arms over them. "Shut up," He told his hips, quite glad he had the apartment to himself that night. The last thing he needed was his roommate walking in on an 'Axel's being insane again' scenario. There had been enough of those. Not like his roommate was a walk in the park, either, Axel thought darkly, flipping the station.

It was a sick and cruel technique used by cable stations to never show anything interesting after 12 a.m. besides porn and infomercials- Axel harbored a personal opinion that it was a government conspiracy. He flipped disinterestedly through all four hundreds on the television, keeping an eye out for anything interesting. Boobs. GrillMaster Five Thousand. Booty. Flexarobic Four Thousand. Naked Roxas. StainLifter Version Gold.

Axel blinked, then blinked again. Waitasecond. He flipped a station back, eyes wide. Usually naked Roxas was more of a late-night- hell, who was he fooling, an all-day-all-night sort of thing, something he had never seen in person but had more enjoyed within the confines of his mind since he had the mind to imagine such things. Until yesterday he had always imagined the boy in his dreams wasn't real, but a figment of his over-active imagination.

But his channel flipping was in vain. There was no naked Roxas, just a burnt out blonde with a very flat (deceiving) chest giving... oral favors to what seemed to be a magician. He had magician hat, in any case. Axel frowned and clicked the 'info' button on the remote, feeling a bit disgusted. "Shirley Wonder and the Magic Wand" was what Axel was watching, apparently.

Axel clicked his tongue in disapproval. Magic wand, psh. It wasn't doing anything magical. Though it would be cool if it spouted fire or something. Not enough late-night pornos had fire, in his opinion, not that he watched many or anything. He sighed and flicked the television off with a socked toe, letting his leg stay there for a minute, pale skin shining in the dark of the room. He let it fall, slowly, a slow stretch, until his foot flumped on the floor.

He wasn't usually one for staying up, really. He folded his hands in his lap, sighing dramatically. He unfolded them. He folded them again. His head itched, then, so he had to unfold them to scratch it. It was a tedious process. After he refolded his hands, he sat and contemplated his existence a bit, hoping to pass the time. Sadly, there wasn't much to contemplate, really, considering his existence consisted of flipping burgers, thinking of Roxas, looking sexy and thinking of Roxas some more. It was a good thing he was extremely good at all he did, considering his list was very limited.

He flipped open his cell phone and winced at the brightness of the little LCD screen, scratching idly at his bare chest. It was two a.m. already, and still Roxas hadn't called.

Axel had really expected him to call. He shrugged and snapped his phone shut, sticking it into the waistband of his boxers before stretching expansively, complete with yawn and all. No big deal, really. 'What did you expect? You barely spend a total of fifteen minutes in the kid's presence and you expect him to give his heart to you?' Axel snorted and stood up, unfurling himself from the relative comfort of the thread-bare couch he had been lounged on. 'May as well go to bed, you dumb-ass. He's not going to call. If he did, he would have a problem.' Axel snorted and fumbled his way to him room, stubbing his toe quite painfully more than once, all the while keeping up his inner dialogue.

'My name is Roxas,' He thought in a sing-song voice, making his way to his bed without another toe-stubbing, thankfully. 'And I refuse to call the extremely good looking man who gave me his heart and phone number. I have stupid blonde hair and am mean and cold and unfeeling. I was cold and stupid and unfeeling in a past life. I like hamburgers and should really call Axel.'

Well, that didn't really make him feel better. Axel curled an arm around a pillow and pulled it close, eyes staring sightlessly into the pitch black of his room. He felt very alone all of a sudden. Having a heart or not having a heart, it didn't really matter.

It always hurt when Roxas rejected him.

He pushed the thought from his mind and set his cell phone next to his head, just in case. It never hurt to hope, he reasoned, smiling sleepily.

He fell asleep, hoping.

* * *

BREEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Axel woke up, arms flailing and eyes wide. He had just been having the most pleasant dream about a bonfire and a hammock and a certain blonde, not in that order, of course. He struggled to free himself from the cocoon of blankets twisted around him, hands clammy and eyes aching from sleep.

Then it hit him.

His.

Phone.

Was.

Ringing.

In a desperate lunge that shook the frame of his bed, Axel dove for his phone, which laid helpless and small (and ringing, can't forget the ringing) amidst his sheets. He grabbed it, victorious, before he watched it slip from his hands in horror and /fly/ across his room, hitting the wall. No way, you son of a bitch. You're /mine/.

Axel, moving the fastest he had ever moved in his existence (well, both his existances), was off his bed and making the most awkward scramble towards his phone ever attempted, managing to drag half of his bed along with him.

BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

"He-Hello?" Axel gasped, breathlessly panting into the phone receiver. Please, please be there...

"...I know I shouldn't have called-"

Axel felt a wave of happiness hit him like a tsunami, so strong he almost threw up into the phone. But he didn't, which was probably better in the long run, seeing stomach acid and small pieces of technology generally did not mix.

"No. Please. I've been waiting for you to call." Axel tried and failed to keep the desperation from his voice. He hoped Roxas didn't notice.

"Roxas? Are you there?"

"...yeah. I'm here." Roxas' voice was soft and hesitant, so unlike the rash Roxas that had pushed Axel away in BurgerMart, eyes angry and face sharp, hurtful. Axel relaxed himself on the floor, hissing as his skin came in contact with the cool wood.

"How are you?" Axel didn't know what to say, for all of his longing and waiting and desperation. He didn't want to scare Roxas off with proclamations of his undying love just yet. Start small, he told himself.

It took a moment for Roxas to reply, and when he did Axel had to stop breathing so he could hear Roxas talking, his light voice barely being picked up by the phone.

"I couldn't sleep. I didn't have anything else to do, but call you. I didn't want to." It was a lie, and there was something in Roxas' voice that gave it away immediately, soemthing that made Axel's chest goosebump with more than the cold from the floor. Roxas breathed, a sound Axel drank in a bit lightheadedly. He was really talking to Roxas.

"That's fine," Axel murmured, heart banging around in his chest like a bouncy ball, making it hard to swallow. "What do you want to talk about?"

A minute or more of silence, filled only with the sound of Roxas' breathing slow and steady. It was all Axel needed to hear, ever.

Roxas made a little noise, between a word and a yawn. "I was thinking." Roxas started, voice a little more confident and audible. "About today."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... when you..." Roxas could be heard, shuffling, like he was changing his position. Axel could see him in his mind, sitting there, the phone balanced on one thin shoulder, eyes drooping and mouth pink. It was enough to drive him insane. Roxas cleared his throat. "When you... touched me, it was so weird. I can't explain."

Axel sucked in a breath. "Weird?"

"I felt like I knew you."

Axel pulled his comforter over himself, snuggling into it. "That's not weird," He said softly, feeling indescribable. This was beyond his wildest dream, talking to Roxas like this.

Axel could almost feel the frown over the phone line, pulling at Roxas' face. "It was. I've never seen you before in my life."

Axel opened his mouth the respond, to egg the conversation further, but Roxas continued to talk. Axel let him.

"It was so quick. I saw you, in my head." Roxas sounded uncertain, like he was losing his surety of what he was saying. "It sounds crazy." As an afterthought: "I'm not crazy."

Axel took a chance, dipping into the reserve of words that were damming up in his head, demanding to get to Roxas. "I've seen you in my head since I can rememeber," He murmured, letting a hand slip to idly scratch at the base of his neck. It wasn't like him, to say something so personal to just anyone- but, of course, Roxas was not just anyone. "And I don't think I'm crazy."

Roxas snorted. "You are crazy. You're insane."

Axel smilled charmingly. "But you're talking to me."

"Yeah." Roxas' voice was low again, and Axel wanted to touch him over the phone line, make him smile or get angry- anything but the blankness. "I am, aren't I..."

Axel felt a little pressed to make conversation, then, not wanting it to end there. He ran a hand through his hair, thinking frantically-

"What are you wearing?"

"What!" Ah, better. At least Roxas was speaking with emotion, even if that emotion was offence and borderline-anger.

Axel rolled his shoulder blades, cracking his spine as he readjusted himself on the floor. Now, this was more his forte, not the personal, soft-wordage they had started off with. "What are you wearing?" He repeated, tone teasing.

"I'm not going to tell you!" And just like that, Roxas had gone from self-conscious and unsure to offended and loud in the time span of four seconds. Axel felt a great sense of achievement.

"Why? Are you naked?"

"What! No! I'm wearing clothes!"

"Here, I'll make it easier. I'm wearing boxers and socks. Your turn."

"You're sick. I'm hanging up." Roxas meant it this time, Axel could tell from the way he was yawning, truly sounding more sleepy than annoyed.

Axel made a loud kissing noise into the phone, smiling huge and silly. "Goodnight, Roxas. Sweet dreams." He said sincerely, heart still fluttering in his chest, underneath his fingertips. If he woke up and this was a dream, he would kill something.

For a moment Axel thought Roxas had hung up, his ear pressed to the reciever, searching for any noise.

Then Roxas spoke, his voice so vulnerable that Axel's heart ceased its fluttering and decided to take up temporary residence in his throat. "Did you... did you mean it?"

Axel blinked, mouth dry. "Mean what?"

"What you wrote on the receipt. Did you- were you joking?"

Axel had to think for a minute, then it hit him. Hard. Love, Axel. Love. Axel. Love.

Oh yeah, he meant it.

What the fuck did Roxas think he was doing, anyway, asking him something like that, making Axel's heart explode and come back together and explode again all in three seconds? He should have warned him. Little jerk.

Axel took a second to compose himself. "Yeah, I meant it." He said a bit shakily, waiting for Roxas to laugh and point, though he would not be witness to the latter seeing as he was on the telephone.

A pause, then:

"Goodnight, Axel."

Axel didn't sleep anymore that night, but laid on his floor, clutching his phone to his chest, smiling like he had won the lottery (it should be noted here that Roxas' name was not Lottery).

It would be a good day.

* * *

AN: THAT SUCKED. THAT SUCKED SO BAD IT WASN'T FUNNY. But I am still posting it because it took a pretty good amount of time to write, and, like always, it is three a.m. and I am vewwy tired.

I apologize for the lack of dirty talk. Roxas would have hung up and Axel would have cried. You don't want that, do you? DO YOU?


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Super Sized! 

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 6?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither know what to do about. AU Crackfic.

* * *

AN: I know Mr. Strife may seem like a very random character, but he has a role in this, I swear. Not a very big role. Not a very important role. But a role, nonetheless. XD True to his Kingdom Hearts self- not completely useful, but COOL TO LOOK AT. Kinda just fun to write.

Er.

As a side note, I have to thank everyone reviewing/commenting. It's overwhelming. I've never popped out words this fast- you guys are so inspiring! I had to say that. Okay. Whew. :) I love you guys.

One more thing: I don't ever plan out chapters, I just write it all out in one go. So if I get something wrong feel free to tell me. Cuz I do. All the time. TT

Okay! Long note! All that said, enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Six

* * *

"Good morning, class. Your health teacher is out on sick leave, I'm afraid, I'll be your substitute."

The impromptu tic-tac-toe game Tidus had engaged Roxas in on Roxas' notebook was brought to an abrupt halt as the attention of the class was brought to the front of the room. Roxas frowned at the collaboration of x's and o's, feeling gypped out of a victory. He was so close to winning, too. He threw a resentful look at the back of Tidus' head, then joined into the conformity of staring at the newly arrived substitute teacher.

"I'm Mr. Strife." The man offered helpfully, if not in the most depressed tone Roxas had ever heard come from anyone's mouth. "And I'll be teaching sexual education today." The last part of the sentence was said in the finality of an executioner's axe- in fact, the man looked as if he would have preferred death to standing in front of them all to talk about the metaphorical birds and bees.

The class stared as Mr. Strife shuffled over to the blackboard. He wrote the words "Mr. Strife" upon it, as if they needed further clarification. Roxas blinked, staring. Even the /words/ looked sad.

A weird silence fell upon the class as Mr. Strife stared at them all as if he expected something. Roxas compulsively grabbed a pencil, trying to look busy. After a few more moments of quiet went on, Roxas carefully penned "Mr. Strife" on his paper, right under the tic-tac-toe. As an afterthought, he added his final X to the left corner square and smiled triumphantly. Him: one. Tidus: nothing.

A loud sigh from Mr. Strife brought Roxas' attention back to the front of the room, where the man had sat on the edge of the teacher's desk, facing the class. Roxas couldn't help but feel that a gloomy aura was coming from the man- even Roxas was beginning to fell a bit down. That or the one hour of sleep he had gotten was getting to him, either or, really. The telephone call with Axel had kept him up long after the actual event, thinking about-

"I assume you all know what a penis is," Mr. Strife said unhappily, tossing the piece of chalk he had written his name with from hand to hand. Someone in the class laughed (Roxas couldn't blame them. Penis was a funny word.) until Mr. Strife sent them a surprisingly intense glare, a frown upsetting his placid face. The person hushed with a weird choked noise. "I suppose you think a penis is funny?" He asked coldly, eyes intently staring a hole into the kid who had laughed. His bright blue eyes burned a path through the class, intent on an answer.

"S-sorry, sir." The kid squeaked shakily, hands folding on his desk like a kindergartener being reprimanded. "I think that the penis is a very serious thing. Topic. Serious topic."

Mr. Strike nodded slowly. "I'm glad you think so," He said gravely.

Roxas was very glad he was not that kid, suddenly. Something about Mr. Strife, behind his initial guise of depression, was very off-setting. He strictly ignored the part of his brain telling him that genitalia was funny, not wanting to be under the unhappy scrutinization of their sex-ed teacher. A penis is not funny, he told himself. Testicles are not funny. Boobs are not funny.

Another weird period of tense silence fell upon the class. Mr. Strife stood up and walked to the chalk board and drew something under his name, his slight build hiding it from view. A few screechy-chalk noises announced the process of something being written upon the board. He stood back after a while, observing his work. Roxas craned his neck, curious.

"SEX IS BAD. DON'T DO IT." The board yelled at them, backed up by the serious gaze of Mr. Strife. He set his chalk down loudly and crossed his arms, looking despondent. "Any questions?"

Usually, phrase such as the one on the board spawned no question, seeing as they were more of a strict command than anything. No hands were raised. After a while, Mr. Strife looked satisfied- well, he was either satisfied or about to have a good cry, Roxas couldn't really discern one sad expression from the next. He busied himself with drawing a pretty impressive rendition of stick-godzilla attacking the game of tic-tac-toe.

"But what if you already have had sex?"

All eyes swiveled to fix on Tidus, who was looking confused. He smiled sheepishly, shrugging. "I mean, we are seniors. Not everyone's a virgin anymore, right?"

Roxas stared at Tidus, then at the game of tic-tac-toe. Maybe Tidus was so bad at the game because his mind was addled by sex.

Mr. Strife looked at a loss for words, adopting a look much akin to one a puppy who has been kicked would wear. "I... guess... you stop, then." He said, floundering unhappily. Roxas began to wonder if Mr. Strife were a real Sex Ed teacher. He didn't seem very informed on the topic.

Another kid piped up then, spurred on by Tidus' outburst. "But what if you don't stop? What then?" They demanded loudly. Mr. Strife glared at them bleakly as Roxas continued to evaluate the man. Huh. Maybe if Mr. Strife had sex he wouldn't be so doom and gloom-like. Sex was said to have wonderful therapeutic qualities, he had heard.

"You can get a disease," Mr. Strife answered helplessly. Roxas couldn't help but feel sorry for the guy, almost. He obviously wasn't made for the job of explaining sexual intercourse to a group of horny teenagers. He looked more suited to the task of writing sad poetry or painting unhappy scenery. He looked horribly out of his element in the vibrant green sweater-vest he wore.

The class seemed to be either satisfied with the answer or bored with it, but either way they quieted down. Roxas checked the clock on the wall- hey, only four minutes of class left. That went pretty quick, considering they had covered absolutely nothing. He proceeded to beat the pants off of Tidus in tic-tac-toe until the bell rang.

"Damn," Tidus said, staring at the notebook in a perplexed manner as the bell rang, frowning. "I have no idea how the hell you beat me every time.

"You're thinking with the wrong head," Roxas said breezily, shoving his stuff messily into his backpack.

Tidus had the grace to look completely confused.

Roxas smiled. Tidus: zero. Roxas:...a lot.

Out of complete compulsion (or perhaps because Mr. Strife looked like he was going to cry, and whenever anyone cried Roxas became a little panicky), Roxas waved at the man as he left the classroom, hoping he wouldn't off and commit suicide in the next six bells.

* * *

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT.

There was nothing like a good heart attack in math class to wake someone up, in Roxas' opinion.

"Are you okay?" Sora whispered, looking up from his class work to shoot Roxas a look of concern. Roxas nodded and gathered himself from where he was half-sprawled on the floor, having jumped at least a good foot in the air thanks to the spontaneous buzzing inside his pants.

"I'm okay." He replied a bit shakily, wiping a bit of drool from his chin with the back of his hand. Sora shrugged and went back to unsuccessfully trying to figure out trigonomic ratios.

Roxas took a deep breath once he was properly seated; thankful most of the class was either too into their work (or sleeping) to notice him giving what was probably a fair imitation of a seizure. He frowned and stared down at his leg. It didn't look injured or especially exploded-like, even though he could have sworn it had just violently vibrated. He patted it, just to make sure, with all the care of a bomb squad probing a suspicious package.

In response, another violent vibration erupted from the vicinity of his pocket, this time reassuring Roxas that his leg was not, in fact, exploding on him in math class. Though the event could be perceived as fortunate, considering he was, after all, in math class and extreme injury is always a good way to get out of a boring class. He bit his bottom lip and probed a bit inside his pocket, withdrawing his cell phone from it. Somehow he had managed to shove it all back into one piece after having the unfortunate 'breaking-Sora's-nose (and his cell phone)' ordeal, using copious amounts of tape and super glue, along with a choice piece of ribbon. It looked kind of like a piece of modern art, if you squinted just right.

Roxas flipped open his cell phone with extreme caution, afraid it would fall into a million pieces if he handled it too roughly (which wasn't too far from the truth, really).

"Two new text messages." The little screen read. Roxas frowned. He had never had gotten a text before, though it was 'cool' way to communicate between friends. That was the problem, though. You couldn't get texts if you didn't have friends. Roxas felt a little bitter and pressed the 'ok' button, curious.

"Roxas! It's Axel! Hey!"

Roxas wondered how so much enthusiasm towards his person could be contained in three little words. The conversation he had had with the boy last night revived itself, clear, in his mind suddenly, and he felt a bit shivery, for a second. It had been so... weird. Why had he even been compelled to call him?

'Because you couldn't sleep,' he snarky bit of his brain reminded him. 'And there's something about him that makes you question stuff in general.' The snarky bit was right, too, but Roxas hadn't gotten any answers, really from the conversation. Only more questions, none he really wanted to voice.

So he settled on an easy one. "Don't you know I'm in school?" He typed, fingers slow and sluggish on the keypad. When he pressed send he felt a certain feeling of accomplishment, having mastered the art of texting. He mentally patted himself on the back. He read the other message that had been sent to him, eyes intent on the tiny screen of his phone.

"Hi. :)" The message read, obviously having been sent previous to the other one. Roxas snorted, staring at the smiley, unsure of what to think. What an odd turn of events- he didn't know whether to be pleased or alarmed that Axel's stalking had increased to a new level.

Another buzz. "I know, but I couldn't wait. :D" Text-Axel said, and Roxas' fingers flew to reply with a 'What do you mean'-

"AHEM."

Roxas looked up, giving a stunning impression of a deer-in-headlights. His math teacher stood over him, stern looking and palm out. Roxas swallowed his heart back into place, dislodging it from his throat in one gulp.

"The phone." The man commanded, eyeing Roxas' blank worksheet with disdain. Every eye in the room was on them, now. Roxas felt his cheeks burn and cursed him fair skin. He gently placed his fragile phone onto his teacher's hand, careful not to upset the tape bindings.

His phone gave off a spark. His teacher frowned, but took it anyway.

Roxas sunk into his seat, humiliated. Stupid, stupid, stupid Axel, having to text him and get him in trouble. Roxas grimaced at his paper, staring down the unintelligible numbers and signs with a feeling bordering hate, whether for the numbers or the teacher or Axel he didn't know. He marked the answer for number three as the square root of fifty million, not even looking at the question.

Sora leaned over, eyes on the teacher, who was staring at the phone in alarm as it gave off another few sparks, a piece of tape snapping from it.

"Hey, you wanna come over later?" Sora asked lowly, reaching over to correct Roxas' answer with a quick movement of his pencil. Roxas stared at Sora's answer- .5645. He had been close enough. "I got a few new video games since I can't really do anything physical with a broken nose and I wanted to know if you... wanna hang out." He smiled hopefully, the expression skewed due to the huge hunk of gauze and medical tape fastened over the purple swell of his nose.

Roxas didn't even want to know why the phrase" do anything physical" coming out of Sora's mouth was making him uncomfortable. He tried not to think about it and pretty much succeeded. For some reason the notion of hanging out with Sora made him pretty happy, probably because something inside Roxas was starving for the social interaction he had been denied for a good hunk of his life. He smiled back, tentatively. "Yeah. That sounds great."

Something in his brain was screaming that he was forgetting something very important, but he chose to ignore it in lieu of the warm feeling washing around in his stomach. Sora paused in his work to give him a 'thumbs up' motion. Roxas almost returned the motion, but decided not to because it made Sora look pretty dumb.

The bell rang, and the entire class let out a collective sigh of relief- the last bell of the day did something to make you feel good, on the whole. Sora caught Roxas' sleeve as he got up, making him turn towards him.

"Five o' clock okay with you?" Sora's eyes were even brighter against the stark-white of the wrapping. Roxas stared into them for a moment, not realizing what he was doing, before nodding in reply.

"That's perfect." He said, shouldering his backpack and wincing when the strap dug in from the weight of his books. Sora beamed at him, walking out of the classroom with a wave. Roxas was about to follow suit, when a hand on his shoulder made him stop.

"Mr. Roxas," It was his math teacher, frowning down at him with all the might of an authority figure. "I will see you for two hours after school tomorrow. No excuses. You can have your..." He looked at his desk, where Roxas' phone was buzzing angrily. "...phone back afterwards."

Roxas sighed and nodded. "Yes, sir."

He walked out of the classroom just in time to hear his teacher yell a curse, the sound of something setting on fire apparent.

* * *

It wasn't until he had reached BurgerMart that Roxas realized he had no money.

It was understandable that he should forget, really. He had gotten precisely an hour and fifteen minutes of sleep that morning, and had been pretty groggy when he had been getting ready for school.

But still. BurgerMart was an unbroken tradition of three years, Axel was a tradition of two days, and neither were traditions Roxas really wanted to break. He stood outside of the restaraunt for a few helpless minutes, searching every pocket on his person, even sifting through the gunk on the bottom of his back in his search for change. But there was none, and Roxas couldn't well go into BurgerMart and not order food. If he did... Axel could get the wrong idea, like Roxas was just there to see him. Which was becoming more and more of the situation, actually, but Axel was still (and would probabaly always be) second to food. But still.

Roxas gave one last, starving look at the shining sign of Burgermart before trudging along the sidewalk, trying to ignore the feelings of hunger igniting in his stomach at the smell of the frying meat and foodstuffs. Axel- oh well, it's not like they were friends, or anything. Roxas pushed aside a mental image of Axel, disappointed and waiting at the register, from his mind. He readjusted his backpack and kept walking, BurgerMart now a speck in the distance.

He would just have to eat soemthing at home, as loathe to the idea he was. He could stand a day without seeing Axel, too. He could live without BurgerMart. This was all no big deal.

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRM.

Roxas frowned, breaking off from his mantra of "I don't need burgers I don't need burgers", ears perking. That noise was familiar- he turned around, towards the sound, expecting to see a motorcycle coming up the street. He blinked. There was no motocycle or anything, for that matter, on the street , but the sound was growing closer-

BEEEEEEP.

Before Roxas knew what had happened, he found himself spitting grass from his mouth, having thrown himself off the sidewalk and onto an unsuspecting lawn. he looked around, heart beating crazily within his chest-

"Wow. You got some distance." Axel said from his place on the sidewalk, impressed.

Roxas stared. It had to be a figment of his imagination- there Axel was, BurgerMart uniform and all, gazing at Roxas from atop what could only be called a moped. He smiled widely, his eyes flashing bright under his stupid visor.

"Wha-what's WRONG with you!" Roxas breathed, holding his hand to his heart, trying to keep it from beating out of his chest.

Axel leaned forward onto the handlebars, stretching. "Well, I saw you walking past BurgerMart. You didn't come in, and I wanted to see you, so..." He gestured widely with his arms. "Here I am!"

Roxas stared at him, getting to his feet. "Don't you have a job!"

Axel considered him, scratching idly at the line on his cheek. "I took a break."

"Where did you get the moped!"

Axel grinned. "Company crotchrocket." He explained, gesturing at the BurgerMart logo emblazoned on the side of the bike. "Are you getting on, or what?"

Roxas' mouth went dry. "What?" He wish he could have thought up soemthing moe intelligent to say, but that part of his brain was more centered on the fact that Axel wanted him on a bike. Very close to him.

With a rev of the engine, Axel made a grab for Roxas' wrist, falling short by a bit. "Well, you're walking home, aren't you? I'll give you a ride."

Roxas stared at him, at a totaly loss for words. Part of his mind said 'Don't do it, Roxas! He's a weird, stalkerish stranger!' while another part screamed 'He smells like burgers. Axel is a good man.' He was torn, and Axel saw it.

Roxas made a noise as Axel made another bid for his wrist, this time catching it in his hand and yanking him forward. A flash of hot-white-memory, this time not as alarming as before, stormed through Roxas, making his head swim. This wasn't wrong. Axel... he knew Axel, didn't he?

"Get on the bike, Roxas. Please?" Axel wasn't exactly pleading, but his voice was so vulnerable that Roxas knew he could hurt him if he rejected him, hurt him heart-deep-

Roxas sucked in a breath and swung his leg over the bike.

Axel smiled huge and warm, blushing, and was glad Roxas couldn't see it.

* * *

AN: MUAHAHAH THAT'S RIGHT CLOUD YOU TEACH THAT SEX ED. Like you don't know what you're talking about. Pssh.

Uh.

Ahem. XD

Next time: Axel gives Roxas something important, Riku owns at video games, and THE TRUE PLOT IS REVEALED. And a lot of you won't like it.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Super Sized! 

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 7?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither know what to do about. AU Crackfic.

AN: WHOO! LONGEST CHAPTER YET! -spazzes- Sorry that it's late. I hope this makes up for it. XD

For the record, this was also the most fun chapter to write. At last, plot progress! thumbs up It'll probably not make ANY SENSE right now, but... bear with me, for the time being. I'm sorry people panicked. It won't be that horrible. I think. :)

Anyway! Thank you to all who have reviewed and commented! Once again, it's the only thing keeping me up into the wee hours to post. I love you guys. Lots.

Enjoy!

(Side note: If I named chapters, this would be named "Axel's Special Joyride". FOR GOOD REASON, YO.)

* * *

Chapter 7

* * *

"So, how was your day?" 

The fact that Axel had asked him a question went totally unnoticed by Roxas, probably either because he was trying his hardest to keep some form of distance between his front and Axel's back or because they were going seventy miles per hour on a /moped/ (which not only made things very hard to hear, but also made Roxas cling to Axel for fear of his very life, which also made the distance thing a toughie, too). Roxas was not a prayerful boy, usually, but he was making an extra special effort to send all of his will to live in a general, heavenward direction in hopes that he would somehow survive Axel's special joyride.

They hit a bump in the sidewalk and the moped made a spectacular wheelie. Axel hooted in delight. Roxas swallowed a mouthful of vomit.

Axel tried again, this time turning slightly so Roxas could hear. "How are you?"

Roxas made some kind of vague gesture, yelling something inaudible due to the wind rushing by. Axel frowned. "What?"

Roxas clutched at Axel's midsection for dear life (out of all of the things to notice in a life-or-death situation, Roxas mentally noted that Axel had a very firm stomach. He felt a bit jealous and made a note to work on his own belly, which was a bit pudgy as of late. Well, if he survived this moped ordeal.). Roxas took a large gulp of air and levered himself forward, so he was right next to Axel's ear. "I SAID KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE SIDEW- ROAD. WE ARE ON THE DAMN ROAD. DO SOMETHING!"

A car coming at them began to beep in an unfriendly manner, not slowing down whatsoever. The driver took a moment to make an unkind hand gesture at Axel. Roxas moaned and dug his face into Axel's uniform shirt, unwilling to witness his own death.

With an amazing display of maneuverability and finesse never before seen in the world of moped-ing, Axel hit the gas and swerved around the car, even having enough time to make a few hand gestures of his own. When Roxas felt the need to open his eyes again, he noticed that they were once again safely on the sidewalk, putting at a slow, pleasant speed. He pried his fingers from the iron grip they had been holding on Axel's stomach. He hoped the freak got bruises.

"You almost killed me!" Roxas accused, scooting backwards, unwilling to touch his would be murderer. He put his backpack between them as added insurance against any contact.

Axel seemed to ignore him, spitting a strand of wild hair from his mouth. He seemed to be unaware that Roxas was glaring knives, daggers, and anything else sharp and deadly at his vulnerable back (which had smelled pretty good, Roxas had noticed, not that he had wanted to notice or anything. Freak.).

"Where do you live?" Axel inquired, just realizing that they had been driving directionless for a good few minutes at high speeds- not that he had really noticed anything but a warm little Roxas-body clinging to his back for the duration. Axel's mental math had gone "high speeds plus Roxas equals close contact", an equation he was far to happy to test.

Roxas blinked, hugging his backpack. Shit. He looked around, wide-eyed, surveying the surburbian environment they were cruising through. None of the houses looked familiar at all. "I have no clue where we are," He said softly, before realizing Axel most likely couldn't hear him.

"What?"

"I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE WE ARE." Roxas repeated loudly, quite irritated at the entire situation. He knew he shouldn't have gone with Axel. The boy was nothing but trouble- hell, his hair even looked like trouble. Roxas felt annoyed at himself- why was he letting Axel worm into his life like this? Every instinct he possessed screamed against it-

Axel turned around to look at him, his green eyes making contact With Roxas', and suddenly Roxas felt as if someone had taken a bat to his head repeatedly, leaving him dazed and stupid and drooling. He lifted his hand and wiped it along his mouth, scowling.

Uh. What had he been thinking?

Axel turned back around, his hair flurrying into Roxas' face annoyingly. Roxas batted at it unsuccessfully.

"Ooookay. I'm going to turn around, then, and we'll be bound to find your street." Axel said, more to himself than anything. The logic made sense in his mind, anyway. He proceeded to hang a right in a conveniently placed yard, managing a beautiful u-turn.

"Grass will never grow there again," Roxas said in an awed tone, staring at the yard blankly. A large, sizzling circle marred the perfect turf, smoking and releasing the distinctive smell of burnt rubber. He wondered if anyone had seen that. He was too young to go to jail if they called the cops. "Boy gets Arrested with Crazy Man," the headline would say.

A few moments of awkward silence hung in the small amount of space between Axel and Roxas, then, punctuated only by the loud whirring of the moped's motor. Roxas watched some kids playing on a swing set, absently, not noticing Axel turning around ever so often to steal a glance at him. If he had noticed he would have yelled at him to keep his damn eyes on the damn sidewalk before he got them damn killed, dammit. Roxas was not happy about the road-incident.

"Uh, I think I can see BurgerMart," Axel announced, pulling the moped to a halt. He was right, too. Roxas could see the glowing yellow arches in the far-off distance, highlighted brightly against the bright blue of the midday sky. He felt happier, at that. He might just live to see home, after all.

"I live on that street," He said after a moment of deliberation, scoping out the area until it became familiar. He spit a piece of Axel's hair from his mouth and pointed to make sure his directional skills were useful. "That way."

The moped hummed towards the street indicated, narrowly missing a collision with an oak tree and a parked car. Roxas seriously began to doubt that Axel was legally allowed to touch any kind of machinery over five pounds, much less drive a vehicle, but he wasn't going to say anything. Never incite a crazy person, he had learned. Especially when they are about to find out where you live.

The silence between them was now comfortable, almost, the backpack having made a transition from between them to behind Roxas, Roxas' hands inexplicably having found their way to Axel's hips. 'Because they had sped up', he told himself. But they really hadn't. A speedwalker waved at them as he passed by, overtaking them. Roxas sullenly removed his hands. Axel frowned.

"There's my house," Roxas announced, tapping at Axel's shoulder. The moped ground to a halt, and Roxas hopped off of it without much trouble. He grabbed his backpack and swung it onto his shoulders before turning to face Axel, who was smiling widely.

"Thanks for the ride," He said hesitantly, for some reason unable to look Axel into the eye (probably because millions of butterflies began to spawn in his stomach and proceed to cohort crazily whenever he did- but he could blame that on his extreme hunger, as he had not eaten yet).

Axel shrugged and proceeded to stare at Roxas like a doofy, love sick puppy. "No problem," He replied suavely, resisting the urge to pull Roxas onto the bike and have his way with him against the handlebars.

Patience is a virtue, he told himself. Unfortunately, he wasn't known for being an especially virtuous being. But he could make exceptions, right? Roxas licked his lip and Axel's eyes followed his tongue greedily. Right!

Roxas felt increasingly uncomfortable, having Axel stare at him like that. Like he was a MartBurger, all unwrapped an ready to be devoured, greasy and good and dripping in mayo and pickles and-

"I have to go inside," He announced, taking a few steps towards his house and a few away from a predatory looking Axel. "I need to eat- and do homework and stuff. Thanks, again." He turned, prepared to turn tail and run for it-

How Axel had gotten off the bike so fast, Roxas would never, ever know. Roxas stared at the warm something pressed into his hand, then up at Axel, who was looking down at him sheepishly. "I brought that for you," Axel said, sounding almost shy. "I thought you would be hungry."

Roxas stared at the crushed remains of a MartBurger, eyes wide and mouth drooling.

"It might be a bit crushed... it was in my pocket." Axel offered helplessly. Roxas didn't say anything, just stared at the burger in shock. Axel hoped he hadn't offended him or anything. Maybe Roxas didn't want to eat a pocket-burger. Axel couldn't really blame him. The thing looked pretty sad.

"I love you," Roxas said softly, staring at the burger in his hands with dawning delight.

Axel made a weird choking noise, unnoticed by Roxas, who was too busy gazing at the burger with a level of adoration usually reserved for those newly-wed.

Axel was fully aware those words were not meant for him, but for the meat-bread-artificial flavoring-combination in his hands, but still- those three words coming out of Roxas' mouth did much in the way of leading Axel down a path of what felt a lot like instant heart failure. They sounded to Axel like what the mention of water to a man in the middle of the desert much sound like- heaven, or something close to it.

Thusly, Axel did not hold himself accountable for his next few actions, which mainly involved his lips, Roxas' lips, and his tongue.

Roxas blinked and found himself staring directly into Axel's eyes. That was weird. He didn't remember Axel leaning... down...

He was broken rudely out of his burger-induced-bliss and he realized, quite abruptly, that Axel was kissing him quite enthusiastically.

Oh.

OH.

"GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!" Roxas was a small guy, but managed to somehow push Axel a good five feet backwards into the moped, which fell over with a loud crash. Axel went down with it, arms wind-wheeling and yelling loudly.

Roxas stared at the weird pile of man and moped, scrubbing at his mouth furiously. He felt a bit numb- he didn't know what to make out of Axel's sudden molestation of his being, to be honest. Axel had tasted like a hamburger, so it hadn't been all that bad. Just surprising, really. He watched silently as Axel managed to stand up, looking quite worse for the wear. He wiped a smudge of oil from his cheek, then turned to look at Roxas, who had begun to eat his burger.

"Sorry about that," Axel yelled, adjusting his visor. He was blatantly lying, of course. He felt like he had just won the Olympics (if you discounted the part where he had been catapaulted over the vespa, because that certainly hadn't felt very Olympian, unless you counted the level of pain it caused worthy of a metal). He was distantly aware that something was bleeding.

Roxas chewed slowly, staring at Axel like a gazelle stares at a lion. He didn't answer. (His mouth was full.)

Axel pulled the moped up to a standing position, inspecting it. It looked fine, if one ignored the huge dent on the side. He sat on it, testingly, expecting it to implode. It didn't, fortunately. He stuck the keys in.

"I gotta go," He said to Roxas, licking his lips. Mm, Roxas flavored. "You know, before someone misses me."

Roxas swallowed a mouthful of chewed burger. "I thought you were on break." He stated flatly, taking another colossal bite of the sandwich, chewing it messily.

Axel stared for a moment. Roxas had a really, really big mouth. He took another moment to dispel the inappropriate thoughts from his mind. Bad Axel, he reprimanded. Bad.

"Something like that," Axel said, grinning, revving the moped up. "Lunch break, bathroom break, same thing." He backed up a bit, scoping the street for oncoming traffic. He looked at Roxas a last time, smiling helplessly, largely. "See you tomorrow, Roxas."

Roxas frowned, burger gone. "Yeah." He replied, waving.

As Axel drove off (read: sped off at an excess of eighty miles), Roxas could have sworn he could see fire coming from the moped's tailpipe. He stared at it for a moment, until Axel was just a red-headed blob in the distance, before turning to go inside his house.

* * *

Roxas knocked, tentatively, on Sora door at precisely five, feeling both nervous and excited at the same time. He hadn't been to Sora's house since he was six and their mothers had scheduled a play date for them (which had ultimately resulted in Roxas breaking two ribs, but that was a long story). 

"COME IN!" A Sora-like voice shouted from within the bowels of the house. "IT'S UNLOCKED!"

Roxas let himself in, peeking his head in the door. No one was around that he could see, and the house smelled like... something was burning. He stepped in, hoping Sora wasn't dying in a horrible blaze that he had invited Roxas in to witness.

"WE'RE IN THE KITCHEN!" The Sora-voice yelled again. Roxas shrugged off his jacket and threw it on a conveniently close-by chair, wandering down a hallway towards the voice. Soon the sounds of conversation were evident, and Roxas' eyes began to sting as he walked into a room filled with heavy clouds of smoke.

He coughed, unintentionally announcing his presence.

"Roxas!" Roxas squinted through the haze of smoke and identified a lump of mass that must have been Sora (the spiky hair gave it away in the end). "We're baking. Have you eaten yet?"

Roxas fanned the acrid smoke away from his face, coughing some more. Was it more safe to answer yes or no? He was awfully hungry, but should he risk eating what smelled like dead, burning lawn furniture? "What is it?" He asked, sidestepping the question. He felt around blindly, hand catching on a table, then a chair. He pulled it out and sat on it, suddenly finding himself below the line of smoke. He breathed in thankfully.

Riku stared at him indifferently from across the table. Roxas stared back.

"I'm making pizza rolls!" Sora shouted unecessarily, four feet away from them. "They'll be ready soon!"

Riku leaned across the table, hand to his mouth in a private manner. "This is the sixth batch." He muttered, jerking his head at Sora. "He burnt the rest."

Roxas frowned. This news worried him. Pizza rolls were pretty easy to make.

A smoke alarm went off, belatedly. Riku stood up, chair squeaking on the floor. "Sora, let me help." He demanded, squinting through the smoke. Roxas was hit by another dose of 'exposed-Riku-hip', the likes of which he had encountered at school a few days previous. It was still hard to look away, even with his experience with the matter.

Sora spun around, baking tongs help protectively in one hand, the other gloved in an oven mitt. "You always cook! It's my turn!" He said defensively, waving the tongs in Riku's direction.

Riku stepped forwards, sighing. "For good reason," He countered. He waved an arm towards a garbage can hardly visible through the smoke, in which Roxas spied what could have been at least a hundred blackened pizza-roll-corpses. He gaped at the little lumps, then at Sora. What kind of idiot burns /pizza rolls!

Sora growled. "Look, I think I know what I'm doing now. Those were test runs." He peeked inside the oven, then opened it wider so Riku could see in. "See? Almost done."

Riku blanched, gazing at Sora in horror. "Sora, they're BLACK." He made a movement to grab at Sora's oven mitt, obviously intent on salvaging the helplessly burning bunch of pizza rolls.

With a roar, Sora dove backwards, knocking the oven shut. Roxas stared in awkward amazement as they wrestled over the quilted glove, Sora baring his teeth and Riku appearing to have the upper hand until-

Roxas knew a purple nurple when he saw one, and Sora had undoubtedly just given Riku the most spectacularly hideous purple nurple ever given in the history of nipple twisting.

Sora stared at the tongs held in his hand in horror, then at Riku's chest, which they were latched onto. He dropped the utensil to the floor, where Riku fell to a split second later, screaming in pain. Sora dropped to his knees, yelling apologies.

Roxas joined him a second later, laughing his ass off for the first time in his life. Meanwhile, the pizza rolls burned.

* * *

It wasn't until an hour later things settled down into a semblance of order. It had been a close call on whether to call an ambulance or not, but they decided not to when Riku's nipple finally stopped bleeding. It had been decided that they would just have to eat plain tortilla chips for dinner- no one trusted Sora to make cheese dip, as it was. 

"I guess we can play video games for a while," Sora announced sheepishly, avoiding Riku's glare as he handed him a fresh ice-pack. Riku pressed it to his bare chest with a hiss, unhappily munching at a chip. "Is that okay?"

Roxas nodded, mouth full of tortilla chip. He wasn't half-bad at video games, if the fact that he beat Tidus' pants off whenever they played together was any indicator. Video games were nice.

Sora looked at Riku apprehensively, purposely avoiding looking at the large purple bruise spreading across the pale chest. "Riku? Wanna play video games?"

Riku looked positively sour. "Why? So you can pinch my other nipple off while we're at it?" He frowned up at Sora, who was blushing a bit.

"There will be no more nipple pinching tonight, I promise." Sora said in an apologetic tone. Roxas wondered how the phrase would sound to an outsider. He shoved away the compulsive laughter building in his throat, instead standing up to follow Sora into his living room, followed by a very unhappy, half-clothed Riku.

Sora waved them towards a couch, attention set on plugging the video game system into the television. "You guys can sit over there until I get this all connected," He said absently, squinting at the three-pronged plug, then at the tv.

Roxas shrugged and made his way towards the plush couch, plopping himself down. Riku followed suit sullenly, falling into the cushions with a relaxed sigh-

"YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE!"

Three things happened at once.

"FUCK!" Riku yelled.

"GOOFY!" Sora yelled.

CRACK, went Riku's leg, colliding with the coffee table.

Roxas suddenly found himself with a lapful of whimpering black puppy, the likes of which had just underwent a close encounter with Riku's butt. He pet it consolingly, watching Riku dumbly. The dog, Goofy, bit at him happily.

Riku just wasn't having a good night, when all things were said and done.

"RIKU!" Sora yelled, dropping to his friend's side, shaking him. "Are you okay?"

Roxas took a look between Riku and the coffee table, which he had kicked in his haste not to sit on the puppy. The coffee table bad been broken in half. If Roxas had to take a chance, he would say Riku was not okay.

Riku didn't respond for a moment, and Sora began to hyperventilate.

Then- "I think I broke my leg."

Both Roxas and Sora then looked at Riku's leg, which in all appearances looked like a normal leg- except that the calf was bent in a really odd angle. If this were a math test Roxas would have identified it as an acute angle- right between his knee and foot there was a definite bend outwards.

Sora paled. "I'll... I'll... go and get a towel."

Riku's voice was whisper soft, numbed with pain. "It's not bleeding." He said to Sora. "Just hanging there." There really was no need for a towel.

"Oh." Sora said, then everyone went quite for a long time. Roxas felt very warm for a moment, before he realized the dog had peed on his lap. He pushed the thing off of him and sighed in digust. It was time to take authority, he decided.

"I'll call an ambulance," He announced. Sora nodded at him, eyes wide. Riku gave him the thumbs up, in too much pain for coherent speech.

"The phone's in the kitchen," Sora directed, staring at Riku, who had passed out. He began to stroke at his hair, looking like he was about to cry.

Roxas took this as his time to exit.

* * *

Roxas didn't leave Sora's until the ambulance had come to take Riku away. 

"It's not serious," the ambulance-man had said to Sora, who had been hysterical. "We get these all the time. Only kills a few."

Sora had sobbed, then, and Roxas had gotten a little panicky but consoled him anyway. "It's okay," He said in a placating tone, patting Sora's head. "I'm sure Riku won't die. I think." Sora began to sob anew at that, leaving Roxas bewildered.

After letting Sora cry on him for a bit, Roxas made it clear he had to leave. Sora asked if he needed to be walked home, at which Roxas reminded him that he lived four houses away.

"Thanks for coming, anyway," Sora sniffed, smiling sadly.

Roxas shrugged, stepping out of Sora's house. "It was fun. We should do it again." Only, you know, with less of the killing-Riku bit, he added mentally, waving at Sora and walking down his sidewalk, towards home. The truth was, he didn't really want to stay in the kid's hosue any longer than he had to- he liked his nipples and legs just the way they were, thank you very much.

When Roxas got to his porch, he leaned against his door heavily, taking a deep breath. Ew. He still smelled like dog pee.

He stepped inside his house then, determined to take a shower and needing desperately to catch up on some sleep. Today had been a very, very long day.

* * *

"Today was a very, very long day," Axel announced, stepping into his apartment, grinning like a lunatic. 

His roommate looked up from the kitchen table and glared at him. "You're breaking my concentration," He said sullenly, moving a chess piece with great precision. Axel blinked.

"Sorry," He said without any repentance in his voice. "But are you playing chess alone?"

Cloud shrugged, then unhappily stared at the board. "Check mate," He said to no one in particular. Axel took a second to remind himself why he roomed with such a psycho, but could come up with no reason but that the rent was unusually cheap.

Axel proceeded to bustle about while Cloud stared despondently at the chess board, eyes glazed over. His blonde hair drooped in his face- he made no move to move it aside. "Axel."

Axel stopped what he ws doing (getting a pop from the refridgerator) and turned to look at Cloud, still wearing his BurgerMart visor. It was a very rare occasion that Cloud actually talked to him- they had been roommates for only six weeks, but had never really held any sort of conversation. They just helped each other pay rent and lived totally seperate lives, and both were fine with that. Besides, Cloud was kind of loony, in Axel's opinion, and the less they talked the better.

Axel cracked open his pop. "What?"

Cloud took a moment to turn to face Axel, looking unusually sad (well, more sad than normal, which was saying something). "I don't know anything about sex." He said seriously, gazing at Axel in a questioning manner.

Axel stared at him. "Okay."

Cloud shrugged and returned to looking at his chess board in silence, ignoring the weird look Axel was shooting him. "By the way..."

Axel, half-way to his room, stopped. "What is it?"

"What happened to your hand?"

Axel frowned, staring incredulously at the back of Cloud's head. Man, the kid was whacked in the brain. There was nothing wrong with his hand, the last time he had checked. He smiled, just to humour Cloud more than anything, before looking down at his hand.

Or.

Lack.

Thereof.

"HOLY SHIT!" Axel was usually a pretty calm guy, but it wasn't every day that one's hand was... not there. His left hand was present and working. His right hand was not. He took a second to process this, staring at the stump of his wrist in shock.

"Yeah, looks like your hand is gone," Cloud announced uselessly, setting up a new game of chess.

Axel couldn't help but think he was dreaming. There his hand was not, the air around his wrist just molding into the skin, making the area where wrist should meet hand just... a weird blur. Like someone had taken an eraser to his hand, smudging it into nonexistence-

"Your phone's ringing," Cloud said loudly, obviously annoyed that his chess should be interrupted again.

Axel, still staring at his non-hand in total, absolute incomprehension, fished for his phone and flipped it open with numb, shaking fingers. "H-hello?"

"Axel?"

And suddenly, Axel's hand was back, popping silently back into existence. Like it had never been gone. Axel flexed it, staring at it in horror.

"Axel, are you there?"

Axel sat down where he was, phone cradled to his ear. His legs were shaking. That had been weird. Very weird. He breathed in deeply before responding.

"Roxas. How are you?"

Whatever that was, he would have to deal with it later.

AN: I told you that it was a screwed up plot twist. AHAHAHAH. Yeah. I have plans, huge plans! Okay, that's a lie. But I have vague ideas. :) I hope you liked!

And Cloud... well, I guess I liked the kid. XD Now he gets to be depressed some more. Whoo.

...Dude, I myself have so burnt Pizza Rolls, for the record. And I have so given Purple Nurples. So this story is FACTUAL TO THE MAXXXX.

-goes to bed-


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Super Sized!

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 8?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither know what to do about. AU Crackfic.

AN: I never, ever thought I would live to see the day that I would actually get so far in a fic. See, I have a problem where I like to abandon things in a panic. But I haven't! Whoo! cheers CHAPTER EIGHT!

Thank you for all of the comments. spazzes I love reading them. Over and over. And over. Creepily. Ohoho! read them some more

Enjoy!

OH YEAH! And since I am a whore for grammatical errors, I roped emptybackpack into editing this. Because I type everything up on notepad, which lacks any form of... anything. She's awesome. Super awesome. So awesome I just popped a blood vessel. Ow.

ENJOY:D

* * *

Chapter Eight

* * *

Roxas wasn't much of a talker.

Axel discovered this while he was trying to unbutton his uniform shirt, ear pressed to the phone while he waited for Roxas to reply to his cordial "What's up, gorgeous?" Or maybe he just didn't like being called gorgeous. Axel would have to take that into consideration. Either way, it was very hard for Axel to get out of his shirt when one hand was attached to the side of his head, holding to his ear the device that connected him with the only person that made his heart blow into tiny little confetti pieces.

Axel sighed and let the shirt hang limply on his arm. He waited another few moments. The sound of chess pieces clicking together floated through his door, along with the quiet sound of Cloud cursing in defeat. He sat on his bed and listened to Roxas breathe for a bit.

"Are you awake?" He tried tentatively, almost jokingly, working one-handedly at his belt. It gave up quite a fight, but he managed, somehow, to wrangle it from his uniform pants. He smiled, victoriously, and threw it to the floor.

Roxas' voice was light when he responded, and Axel had to pause mid-wriggle (he was now working on his pants, which were proving much more of an effort to take care of than his belt) to hear him.

"Yeah. I just don't know what to say."

Axel smiled and kicked his pants off of his feet, watching as they hit his door and slid into a pathetic heap at the bottom of it. Ah. Comfy. He scratched at his tummy, content with life in general. He was home, naked (save for his boxers, which were next to go), and on the phone with Roxas. The only way things could possibly get better was if he were home, naked, and on a bed with Roxas, but Axel wasn't about to get greedy.

Axel squirmed a bit, toeing his socks off. "You could start off with 'Axel, I wish I could spend all day staring into your beautiful green eyes, eating ice cream and making out with you.'" Hey, a guy could be hopeful. He made a mental note to see if there was any ice cream in the freezer, just for reference.

Roxas sighed into the receiver, making it static unpleasantly in Axel's ear. "You're such a freak." But Roxas' voice didn't really sound into it, and Axel paused mid-boxer-shuck to wonder at it.

"Or you could ask how my day went, since you called," Axel conceded, not really wanting to push the conversation. Roxas had called, and that was enough for him. He snuggled into his covers and made himself comfortable, scratching absently at his head. 

Roxas 'hmmphed' into the phone. "I don't want to know how your day went," he said waspishly. "I just want to know why you did what you did."

Axel blinked. "Why I did . . . what I did." Axel was a man of action, and there were a lot of things he could have done. Was Roxas referring to the extremely rad moped display? The pocket-burger? The fact that Axel felt the need to disrobe while on the phone? There were myriad things to which he could be referring.

"I . . . . Why . . . ." Roxas floundered for a moment, exasperation clear in his voice. "You kissed me, you damn jerk."

Ah. Axel smiled in remembrance. Roxas had been so warm and sweet and soft and everything a first kiss should have been (except for the WHAMMING AXEL INTO A MOPED part, but that could be overlooked, really). Axel was horribly pleased with himself, on the whole. "I sure did." He replied happily. Something itched on his thigh. He scratched it.

"I know you did. I'm not blind." Roxas didn't sound happy, so Axel chose not to point out that kissing didn't have anything to do with eyesight. Instead, he chose to be a good Axel and stay quiet as Roxas continued. Roxas did. "I just want to know why."

"Why?" Axel was a bit flummoxed at that. In his mind, it was more a 'why not!'. In his opinion, he was showing excellent restraint around Roxas. Everything in his being wanted him to either snuggle Roxas to a pleasant death or sex him up until he went deaf or exploded or something. And he was getting a 'why' over a kiss! His brain couldn't handle that. He frowned and itched savagely at a prickling on his chest. Ow.

"Yeah. Why?" Roxas sounded impatient, like a customer waiting an hour in line would sound. Axel was glad he was not face to face with Roxas, because irate customers tended to get pretty violent pretty fast, especially if ketchup packets were within reach.

Axel frowned. "Because. I really wanted to." His chest stung again, sharply, and he scratched at it with a low growl.

Roxas growled, a sound gone unheard by Axel, who was peering under the covers. Why was he itching so badly? Had he gotten a rash from the burger grease? Did Roxas give him some horrible kissing-transmitted disease? (Would he have to wear gloves when he touched Roxas from now on?) He squinted, and then-

"AH! GETITOFFGETITOFF!"

Axel, his phone, and a largish spider took a spectacular flight from the bed, propelled by what could only be described as a "spazz-out" by Axel -- a general, violent seizuring of every limb attached to the body. What followed after could, in politest terms, be defined as a "merciless slaughter".

It wasn't until a minute or so later that it registered in Axel's mind that he was sitting naked on his floor and was beating what once could have been a medium sized arachnid into his floor with his shoe.

"I think the spider's dead," Cloud called out in a melancholy tone.

Axel looked at it. It was. He took a moment to stare at the smudge of guts and stick-legs, feeling quite violated. The freaking thing had bit him. Ugh. He shivered and hit the remains with his shoe one more time for good measure.

Okay. What had he been doing?

He scrambled towards his phone, which had situated itself a good ten feet away. It was still, thankfully, flipped open.

"Roxas?" He panted, the adrenaline from the spider-attack wearing off.

Axel's first impression was that Roxas was choking. Then he realized he was laughing.

It took Axel's breath away. It wasn't that Roxas had a pretty laugh (quite the opposite, in fact, it really sounded like he was choking), it was just that Axel had never heard him sound happy before. Cold, distant, sarcastic -- yes. Happy -- no.

"It's not funny," Axel said lightly, curling into a sitting position. The floor was cold against his butt, but he ignored it. He felt like laughing himself, but settled on the same goofy grin that manifested itself whenever he saw Roxas. "That spider was vicious." He wanted to kiss Roxas again, taste his laugh. Then he realized how stupid that sounded, even in thought.

Roxas wheezed for breath. "Ha . . . wow." He coughed and cleared his throat. "I forget what we were talking about."

Axel shrugged, happy. "Anything you want," he replied, pawing at the swelling spider bites without really thinking about it.

Roxas yawned loudly. "I . . . I'm going to go to sleep, then."

"Wanna do something tomorrow?" Axel asked a bit too enthusiastically, straightening up from his slouch. He winced. Oh, that probably didn't help his 'Axel is a creepy stalker who has known Roxas for three days (actually, a lot longer, but Roxas didn't appear to know that so no use counting that time, really) and wants in his pants' image. A tense silence strung itself out over the phone line, then --

"We'll see."

Axel made a particularly physical arm pump, whooping silently. "Okay. I'll text you -- "

"You can't."

Axel frowned. "What?" And here he had thought that texting was a superb way to stalk -- no, get in touch with Roxas during his school time, maybe help him cheat on a test or two. Axel was a veritable wealth of knowledge, in his own opinion.

Roxas sighed. "My teacher caught me texting you back. I have detention."

"At school?"

"Of course I have a detention at school." Roxas sounded annoyed. "I'm going to sleep now."

Axel couldn't help it. "Good night, gorgeous."

Roxas hung up.

* * *

"HE'S GOING TO LIVE!"

Roxas performed what seemed to be an amazingly executed nosedive into his locker, propelling himself away from the extremely loud, extremely sudden noise in his ear.

"Sora," he panted, extricating himself from the depths of his locker. "Nice to see you." He fought the primal instinct to cover his nipples and hide his legs, instead choosing to smile at Sora hesitantly. Sora looked back at him, blue eyes large and shining like four-thousand-watt light bulbs, and grinned widely.

"Guess what?"

Roxas picked his backpack up from the floor, where it had been flung when Sora had viciously screamed in his ear. He shrugged it onto his shoulder and slammed his locker shut, ignoring the papers tumbling out. Eh. They couldn't be too important.

"What?" Roxas responded unenthusiastically, not quite looking forward to his upcoming detention. His flat tone did nothing to deter Sora's excitement, and Roxas had to keep himself from flinching away as a friendly arm was tossed around his shoulder. He felt his nipples twitch in alarm and reminded himself that if he made no sudden actions, there was no reason for Sora to attack.

Sora walked Roxas away from his locker, making extreme hand movements (with the hand not looped around Roxas' shoulder) as he spoke, making the after school crowd swerve around them. "Riku's going to be okay!" he announced excitedly, bouncing as he walked.

Roxas was glad to hear Riku was not going to die of extreme nipple or leg trauma. "That's good to hear," He commented lightly, wondering where exactly Sora was steering them. He glanced at a clock -- he had ten minutes before detention.

Sora continued, the life of the conversation obviously not depending upon Roxas' participation in it. "He fractured his leg in two places, but the hospital said it would heal just fine! Except he'll have a limp, most likely, but at least he's going to live, even if it is a horribly disfigured life." Sora considered that for a moment, ceasing his hand gestures. "I think I'm willing to be friends with a gimp if it's Riku."

Roxas took a moment to harbor the wonder if Sora would be his friend if he were disfigured. Most likely not. That put a bit of a damper on his mood. "Good," he said shortly, feeling a bit angry at Sora for his hypothetical rejection.

Sora rambled on, oblivious to Roxas' stormy mood. "They also said that Riku's nipple is going to be out of commission for a few months. They said I popped a few nerves or something when I clamped it." He sighed noisily, looking a bit ashamed. "I hope he doesn't hate me." Roxas felt that rush of sickly sweet sap that often seeped from Riku and Sora concerning one another and tried his best not to gag.

"I'm sure he doesn't," Roxas said helplessly, patting Sora's arm in what he hoped was a comforting manner. "Where are we going, by the way?" They were approaching what seemed to be the entrance of the school, an impassable gate for the detention-bound Roxas.

Sora gave him a strange look. "To the hospital. You agreed to go with me during math class, remember? To visit Riku?"

Roxas had been drawing a very awesomely depicted illustration of Godzilla eating a building in the aforementioned math class, and had only agreed to whatever Sora was saying because he thought Sora was saying how bad-ass his drawing was. He felt deeply stupid.

"I have a detention," Roxas explained apologetically, unwinding himself from under Sora's arm. "Tell Riku I said hi." If you don't kill him first or rip out his tongue or shred his kidneys first, you dangerous freak, he added mentally. He smiled at Sora before turning around to walk to his detention, rubbing at his intact nipples in relief.

Sora waved at him slowly, before leaving the building.

* * *

Detention wasn't what Roxas had expected.

What he had expected was some simple desk work, something like him writing "I won't bring an inflammable cellular device to school" or something equally mundane. What he got, however, was a very curt explanation of how to remove gum along with a spatula-like device and a can of what could have been liquid nitrogen.

Roxas didn't know what it was, but the janitor told him not to spray it on himself unless he was into having his fingers fall off. Roxas was not.

"Spray it on the gum," the grisly janitor directed, administering a spurt of the can's contents onto a piece of harmless, chewed gum. "Then ya' scrape it. Like this." He jabbed at the gum until it popped from the underside of the bleacher. Roxas watched in interest as the can and spatula were forced into his hands. "You're done when the gym is devoid of gum."

The gym was a very large, very empty place, Roxas noted.

"Now you work," the man grunted, wiping his hands off onto his jumpsuit.

After thirty minutes of scraping off frozen gum Roxas had the acute feeling he was being watched. He looked around, wary. He eyed a basketball with suspicion, before returning to his dull job. He jabbed particularly viciously at a stubborn piece of chewing gum, ducking as it flew off in the direction of his eye. There was no one there. He was just being paranoid.

A noise. Roxas spun around, spatula on the ready. He narrowed his eyes. Still, no one was there. He lowered his weapon slowly, eyes narrowed.

"SURPRISE ATTACK!" someone yelled.

Roxas screamed and was flung bodily into the space between one bleacher and the next, face smooshing into the dirty cement uncomfortably.

"Get off me," Roxas said plaintively, stabbing at the knee next to his face weakly with his spatula. He tried to pull off a cool ninja-like maneuver to get himself out from under the immense weight situated on his back, but his efforts proved in vain and all he could do was flail his legs weakly. He resumed his spatula attack with renewed vigor.

"Ow," the voice said. "Stop that." And Roxas was released from his captor's mighty weight, his spatula-stabbing victorious. He breathed in, inflating his crushed lungs and levering himself up from the disgusting, dirt-stained ground. He lifted his eyes --

"Oh, it's you." That didn't sound nearly as vindictive as he had planned it. Roxas stood up, brushing himself off and, for the sake of multitasking, stared at a very innocent-looking Axel. "Why are you here?" Roxas reminded himself that if Axel tried anything fresh he theoretically had the means to freeze his genitals off. He was somewhat comforted by the fact.

"Yeah," Axel said, perching himself on a bleacher and staring at Roxas in a very open manner. "You said you had a detention, so I came." He smiled, proud of himself.

Roxas sat down a distance away from Axel, tense. He wanted to ask how Axel knew where his school was, but decided he really didn't want to know. He found himself, instead, gazing in horrified interest at Axel's hair style of choice -- the guy's hair was most certainly not meant for a simple ponytail, when all things were considered. It looked more like a porcupine had manifested itself on Axel's head, held on by an out of date scrunchie. It was horrendous. "Why?" Roxas asked, shaking himself out of his pony-tail induced stupor. "Why did you come?"

"I wanted to." Axel said with a shrug. Roxas felt an annoying sense of deja-vu.

"Fine," he said shortly, standing up. "Well, I have a job to do." He started chipping away again, horribly aware of Axel just staring at him intently, like he was a piece of watermelon at a picnic, juicy and sweet. He began to savagely thrust at a piece of gum, accidentaly taking of a piece of the bleacher with it.

Axel ducked calmly as a piece of frozen gum flew his way, content in watching Roxas work.

After a while, Roxas was fed up. "You need to stop staring at me," he instructed angrily, pointing his spatula dangerously at Axel. "I'm uncomfortable." There, he had finally taken the initiative and spoken his mind. He gave himself a mental pat on the back.

Axel was silent for a few seconds, then -- "Are you cold? I didn't think it was that cold in here, really."

Roxas paused in what he was doing (spraying the hell out of a piece of gum with his awesome ice spray) to stare up at Axel. It wasn't cold. It was too warm in the gym, if anything. He was even sweating a bit -- the fruit of his hard labor. "You gotta be crazy. It's not cold," he replied in an ironically cool tone, frowning.

Axel leered at him, an expression that made Roxas' (empty) stomach twist into a pretzel. He had the subconscious urge to stuff himself under a bleacher until Axel went away, but realized belatedly he would never fit. "I was just assuming it was cold," Axel said offhandedly, peering interestedly at Roxas' chest. "Because your nipples are all perky."

Roxas stared at Axel in horror, then at his chest. His nipples /were/ all perky. He wondered if it were possible to dig a hole and die right there in the gym, but doing so would take a lot of effort to dig with a little spatula and he just didn't have the patience for such a task. Axel would probably stare at his butt the whole time, anyway. Instead, he crossed his arms and blushed. "Stop looking."

Axel was suddenly a lot closer, his horrific hairstyle much more frightening close up. Roxas was suddenly aware his spatula was gone and felt very defenseless. He hugged himself harder, willing his nipples to flatten out.

"Let's say you forget this detention and come out with me somewhere?" Axel tempted, trying to keep the desperate 'Roxas Roxas Roxas let's hang out Roxas I love you Roxas!' tone out of his voice. He pretty much succeeded.

Roxas glowered at him, scooting away. "I have to finish the whole gym," he said firmly, re-equipping his spatula and waving it meaningfully. Axel was so close that Roxas could smell his breath -- it was pleasantly minty and fresh, something that for some reason bothered him. Axel always had smelled like grease and fat and all that was good until now.

Axel considered this for a moment, falling silent. He seemed to come to a decision after a while and stood up, taking a second to crack his shoulder loudly and obnoxiously. "I'll help," he announced, walking to where Roxas was busy attacking gum.

"I only have one spatula."

"Doesn't matter. Two will get the job done faster than one!"

" . . . fine."

Axel felt victorious at Roxas' defeated tone and plopped down next to the boy, peering under the bleacher. Hundreds of little gum blobs stared back at him. He frowned. "That's disgusting." He poked at one, assuming it would be hard, and discovered it was not. He wiped his hands on his pants and resisted the urge to gag.

Roxas shrugged. "Either you help or you don't. If not, go the Hell away."

Axel sighed and got to work.

* * *

An hour later, Roxas stared blankly at the gym, Axel standing proudly at his side.

"I never knew gum was flammable," Roxas said in awe, wincing at the acrid smell of burnt gum product. Little did he know that it was not the gum that had been flammable, but rather the mix of his liquid-ice spray and Axel's convenient lighter that had turned the gum pieces into tiny fire-balls.

Axel shrugged, nudging at Roxas. "Neither did I. But that was cool."

A loud growl erupted from the vicinity of Roxas' stomach, making them both jump. Axel stared at Roxas in alarm. Roxas frowned. "I haven't eaten," he explained sullenly, digging gum-encrusted hands into his pockets. Axel thought sullen was a horribly cute look for Roxas, but wasn't going to say anything. Roxas was pretty effective with a spatula, he had discovered.

A few moments of silence passed, Axel staring at Roxas and Roxas staring at his rumbling belly.

"I think I'm going to go home," Roxas said slowly, glancing at the gym doors.

Axel panicked. Roxas couldn't go home! That was certainly not in his plans (which he had planned for an extensive time the night before and had mostly consisted of getting to second base with Roxas. Or first. He wasn't picky, really.) "Let's get ice cream!" Axel didn't like the squeaky tone his voice had taken on, but it would have to suffice.

Roxas looked at him, considering. "Ice cream?" Roxas was a boy of many food-related passions, and ice cream ranked right under MartBurger fries on his list. He resisted the urge to drool. "I like ice cream."

'I like yooooou,' Axel's brain responded. He was glad that thought never evolved into speech, because Roxas was a tricky boy and weird things like that seemed to set him off. Instead he grinned and took Roxas by the arm, directing him out of the gym. "Good. I know a great place," he said absently, more concentrating on the fact that he was /touching/ Roxas than the fact that he knew a good ice cream place.

Roxas let himself be led out the door, dazed. Food was good. He liked food. Axel, by association, was good, then. (But not nearly as good as food.)

* * *

"Icabob's Icy Escapades," Roxas read out, gazing in wonder at the little shack situated quite near to MartBurger. Why had he never noticed it before? He stared at the people sitting on the picnic tables scattered around the place, happily eating ice cream, and bit back a shuddering moan. Ice cream was so /good/. He let Axel guide him to the counter, behind which a teenage girl was parked, ready to take their order.

"What would you like?" she chirped, motioning at their menu.

With a dawning realization, Roxas turned to Axel. "I don't have money," he muttered, cursing Axel for having brought him so close to temptation and expecting him to remember trivial things like money. Damn you, Axel. Damn you straight to Hell.

Axel, unaware of Roxas' inner damnation of his person, ran a hand through Roxas' hair, not really able to help himself. "I got it."

Roxas shrugged and turned back to the girl, who was leaning forward expectantly. "I'll take a vanilla-fudge sundae, please," he ordered, nose perking up at the refreshing smell of the ice cream.

The girl wrote this down. "Any toppings?"

Roxas' eyes glazed for a moment. "Cherries, please. And nuts, sprinkles, chocolate sauce, whipped cream, cookie bits and... did I say cherries?"

The girl nodded.

Roxas shrugged. "Okay. And an extra scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side, please. Wait. Make that two."

The girl scribbled his order down, frowning. Where did the kid keep all of it? She turned to Axel, staring at his horrible ponytail for a moment. "What would you like, sir?"

Axel cocked his head to the side, staring at the board in thought. "A scoop of chocolate ice cream," he offered, shrugging. He wasn't much of an ice cream guy, really. The girl nodded and retreated into the back room, taking one last look at Axel's ponytail.

"You don't eat enough," Roxas mumbled, staring pointedly at the flat plane of Axel's stomach.

Axel snorted and took a seat on a conveniently placed picnic table, leaning back and letting out a relaxed sigh. "I eat just fine. It's you who needs to eat more." Roxas, though he had eaten more in Axel's presence in two days then anyone had done so in a month, was still a tiny thing, stick thin and just begging for Axel to feed him, practically. (Although Roxas had always been a tiny thing, the fact that Axel had a good fifty pounds on him was bothering him.)

'Not enough cushion for the pushin',' a perverted section of his mind whispered sullenly, eyeing Roxas' petite frame thoughtfully. Axel quickly banished these thoughts. Roxas would not appreciate Axel jumping him on an ice cream parlor table, he suspected.

Roxas took his seat next to Axel, gazing at the people enjoying their ice cream in envy.

"And I SO GOT TICKETS." A snatch of conversation floated past them, distracting Roxas from ice cream thoughts and Axel from his sexy thoughts.

"Really?" Another voice directed their attention to a table where to girls sat, slurping slushied.

"Totally. I've been wanting to see Soul Harvest for FOREVER!"

"The lead singer is so hot."

"Mmhm! I wish I could take a shower in his hair. So silky looking!"

"And his leather outfits . . . ." Both girls sighed dreamily.

"Soul Harvest." Roxas murmured aloud, eyes wide. Soul Harvest -- the only band he had ever wanted to see in concert, the only band whose CD he had waited in line to buy. "No way."

Axel shifted to look at Roxas, eyebrow raised. "You like that band?" In his opinion, they sucked pretty bad, but he had a feeling he only felt that was because the lead singer was prettier than he was.

Roxas shrugged. "Kinda." He wasn't about to reveal that he had been utterly obsessed with the band since . . . forever. He tried to push the thought out of his mind, instead focusing on the arrival of their ice cream. The girl set the platter containing his order in front of him, withdrawing her hand quickly as he lunged.

Axel, on the other hand, took his ice cream with a 'thank you', staring at Roxas in thought. He grinned. He had . . . a Plan.

* * *

AN: LAME ENDING, but this has gotten way too long. twitch I am quite aware that nothing has happened in this chapter plot-wise, but I hope it was okay otherwise. Just a lot of tedious things to do in this chapter, I guess. sigh

I wish I had some ice cream right now. :D

Has anytone else noticed that ice-cream-lady is the first female in this? Wow. I think she is, anyway. feels dumb  



	9. Chapter 9

Title: Super Sized! 

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 9?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither know what to do about. AU Crackfic.

AN: I SWEAR THERE IS PLOT IN THIS CHAPTER. Really. XD

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE COMMENTS. One day I will make them into a quilt and wear it like a cape. Not really. But that would be cool! A COMMENT CAPE!

In other news, I am now ironically employed at McDonald's. Wow. -kills self-

* * *

Chapter 9

* * *

Roxas was having a pretty good day, all things considered.

He had not only gotten done with his detention in record time, but he had also gotten free ice cream. Not only that, but Axel had given him his cone too, which was cool even though Axel proceeded to watch Roxas eat the cone with something akin to orgasmic delight.

Eh. As long as it stayed in Axel's pants, he could watch all he wanted.

"I like ice cream," Roxas said in a dazed tone as they got up from the picnic table, Axel carrying the garbage in a gentlemanly manner. Roxas smiled, falling into his food-induced stupor quite willingly, patting his full stomach in contentment. Yes, today was a very good day.

Axel returned from his trip to the garbage can. Roxas frowned. The day could have been better, of course, if Axel had the common decency to forgo the ponytail, however. Jerk. The thing was horrible.

Axel grinned at him, hands in his pockets. "Did you like the ice cream?" His voice was horribly hopeful, like a child giving his mother a card made of macaroni and expecting a pat on the head.

Roxas reached up, hesitant, and patted Axel on the head. "It was very good." He replied slowly, the joy of food impairing his senses a bit. Axel looked like Roxas had just given him a million dollars -- his smile was almost blinding. Roxas withdrew his hand from the other boy's head swiftly. Note to self -- do not touch Axel for fear of losing eyesight.

"I . . . well." Axel cleared his throat, looking almost sheepish. "I'm glad you liked it." Not to mention he had gotten the immense joy of witnessing Roxas licking melted vanilla from his fingers. He had liked it too. Mmhm. The pervert in Axel's brain gave a mental thumbs up -- wait, two thumbs up, even.

Roxas shifted awkwardly, once again getting the distinct impression that Axel was eyeing him like a cougar would eye a squirrel -- hungry and fully capable of eating him alive. Not that Axel would eat Roxas alive in the ripping-tearing-death sort of way -- Roxas was pretty sure his version of eating alive would more involve the moaning-thrusting-orgasm kinds of goings-on. Roxas wasn't sure he preferred one over the other. "I'd better get home," he blurted, scratching his arm to give his sweaty hands something to do.

Whoa, that was a relief. He had almost pulled the old "I left my oven on," which Axel would probably have seen past.

"Let me walk you home," Axel demanded in a way-too-fast sort of way, the desperation in his expression equal to that of a person who had been pushed off a cliff and was grabbing for a hold and flailing and failing and falling to his death. Which was an oddly accurate comparison -- dealing with Roxas was a life or death situation for Axel, in an entirely smooshy way. Without Roxas, Axel doubted he would have a motive to live, except cable and pop and mopeds.

Roxas looked indecisive for a moment, and for good reason. His mind was waging a great war in that brief moment before he replied -- one side was pro-Axel and the other was anti-Axel and they were duking it out to the theoretical death.

'He buys us food and smells good,' Pro-Axel argued, delivering an impressive bodyslam to the Anti-Axel side, leaving it momentarily incapacitated. 'Plus, he makes our belly do that cool butterfly thing. And he likes us enough to stalk us. Not like we really had friends before, why push them away now?'

Anti-Axel snarled and bit Pro-Axel's ear viciously, drawing blood. 'He only buys us food because he wants in our pants. Can't you see it? DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE WATCHED US EAT ICE CREAM? What friend springs a woody over us eating ice cream? Huh?'

A massive bitchslap was put into effect by Pro-Axel, sending Anti-Axel spinning. 'Even you can't deny that there's something special about him! When he looks at us! Like nothing else exists?'

'Something special, my ass!' Anti-Axel roared, flinging Pro-Axel to the ground and kicking him repeatedly. 'The only thing special about that kid is his hair style! And by SPECIAL I mean RETARDED!'

Pro-Axel had had enough. He latched onto Anti-Axel's leg on the next kick and pulled, sending his opponent sprawling. 'He's walking us home!' he screeched, jumping on Anti-Axel like a trampoline, causing massive trauma.

'Okay,' Anti-Axel relented, passing out.

"Okay." Roxas said, frowning. "You can walk me home." That had been weird.

* * *

The walk home had been an interesting affair, if not a somewhat uncomfortable one.

"You don't need to hold my hand," Roxas said bitingly, trying to rescue his appendage from the web of Axel's fingers, failing miserably as the other boy did nothing but further entwine their fingers, whistling happily. "I can cross the street on my own."

Not to mention they had crossed the street a whole minute ago.

"What's your favorite color?" Axel asked, unaware of Roxas' futile attempts to extract his hand from his grip.

Roxas ceased his vain efforts, dumbstruck. "What?" What kind of queer-ass question was that?

Axel glanced down at him, face quite serious. "I just want to know. I feel like I should." Axel had compiled a list of things he wanted to know about Roxas, actually -- favorite color, favorite time of day, favorite pair of boxers, favorite hair gel, favorite toothpaste, favorite soup (for when he got sick and Axel had to 'doctor' him), favorite television show, favorite sexual position . . . the list was endless, really. Best to start from the top.

Roxas shrugged, swinging their conjoined hands unconsciously, thinking. "I like red," he replied after a while, frowning. He did like red. His shoes were red.

"I like yellow," Axel said offhandedly, in case Roxas might have liked to know. Which he really didn't, but he wasn't mean enough to tell Axel that he couldn't give less of a care what his favorite color was. Roxas snorted to himself. Yellow was such a pansy color. At least red was a cool, manly color. Like raw meat.

A thoughtful silence fell then. Axel was thinking about whether Roxas would mind if he pushed him against a tree before they reached his house to feel him up a little. Roxas was thinking about the way Axel was running his thumb over the back of his hand and whether he should deck him one or not. Fortunately (for Axel's physical health) neither acted on the workings of their thought processes. They walked slowly in an almost-comfortable silence until --

"Hey. This is my house." Roxas was finally able to shake his hand free of Axel's. He wiped the sweat on his palm onto his pants, grimacing at the feel. Axel did the same. They stared at each other for a moment, neither sure what to say.

'I love you and want to hug you or kiss you or cuddle with you or all three,' Axel wanted to say.

'Can you get me a free burger the next time I come to BurgerMart?' Roxas wanted to say.

Roxas spoke first, breaking the moment into a zillion pieces. "I'm going to go inside now."

"Oh," Axel said, demonstrating his conversational prowess. Inside his brain was on overdrive -- Roxas was already walking towards his house and Axel hadn't even gotten a hug. Dammit, why didn't he plan ahead? He cursed his lack of future judgment and then acted on his present instincts.

Roxas didn't turn around in time to see Axel bounding towards him frantically, ponytail finally giving up its fight and snapping through the rubber band. Behind Axel, the sun was setting and casting a reddish glow to everything and Roxas' neighbor was practicing a sad song on a violin, providing a moving musical score to the moment. All in all it was a very inspiring scene, like something out of a movie -- the hero dashing towards his heroine for one last, tear-jerking goodbye.

Roxas did turn around, however, in time for Axel to pull him into an extremely tight embrace, faces pushed entirely too close for comfort. Roxas didn't have any time to protest, however, because Axel was engaging his vocal facilities in a gripping round of what was sure to become, if left to evolve naturally, an intense round of the noble sport known as tonsil hockey.

Roxas tried to resist, really. But Axel was a lot bigger than him and stronger than him and smelled really good. It didn't help that the weird feeling -- the feeling that his mind had just gone through a huge memory dump and reboot -- had returned, leaving him unfocused and entirely confused.

The fact that the whole kissing thing did wonders to stir the sizzling coals of his teenage libido to a raging fire of epic pubescent proportions wasn't helping his resistance, either.

"Mmph," Roxas grumped, allowing Axel to press him against his front door. Tongues were really slippery, he discovered quickly. Like Jello. He liked Jello, but it wasn't the same. Axel wasn't grape flavored or anything pleasant like that. Roxas tasted again, trying to decipher the taste. More like -- blood. Oops. He hadn't meant to bite Axel's tongue.

Axel keened in pain, but didn't break the kiss, instead moving to run his hands over Roxas' shoulders in a smoothing motion. Roxas reached up . . .

. . . and wrapped his hands around Axel's neck.

In his mind, Anti-Axel had finally revived and had re-entered into the battle over his senses.

"What the hell?" Roxas yelled, pushing Axel away from him quickly, swiftly wiping his mouth on his hand. He valiantly ignored his body's protest to let Axel shag him silly on his front porch. He was infinitely glad his parents worked the late shift.

Axel gaped at him, green eyes clouded over and mouth working like a beached fish struggling for air. "Uh?" he uttered intelligently, reaching for Roxas dumbly. His brain functions had been decreased to almost nothing beyond 'Roxas good. Axel like. Axel want. Why were they stopping? AXEL SMASH!'

Roxas fumbled for his doorknob, hands shaking. What the hell was wrong with him? What had come over him, letting this . . . this /freak/ grope him in public? (Not that private was any alternative, but . . . ) "Axel. I. Uh. I gotta go," he sputtered, lips tingling and hand wrapping around the solid, sun-warmed weight of his doorknob. He hoped it wasn't locked. He twisted it. It wasn't.

Axel stared at him, lips shining moistly from their recent exploits. Roxas felt a wave of arousal and guilt, wanting lick the spit off of Axel's lips (A rather redundant compulsion, really, seeing that his tongue was covered in spit and probably would be no help in the removal of more saliva.)

"Roxas --" Axel reached forward, but was too late. Roxas was already backing into his doorway, brightly blushing face disappearing into his house. The door slammed shut, leaving Axel with the desire to kill and maim cute, furry things. "Roxas!"

The door didn't open. Axel cursed under his breath and scowled, ignoring the fresh, ice-cream taste of Roxas in his mouth.

He would just have to try again tomorrow.

* * *

Cloud was hungry.

He had discovered this upon standing up from the chair after a refreshing bout of televised Jeopardy to use the restroom. His pajama pants had made themselves comfortable in a puddle on the floor, having fallen from his hips, the elastic band no longer effective in holding them up.

Cloud stared at his naked hips. They were jutting. Maybe he should eat so his pants would fit. He sighed and made a reach for his pants, hoisting them back up and holding them there. He padded to the refridgerator in hopes of wrangling up an adequate meal for himself.

"A furry animal that is said to be man's best friend," Alex Trebec droned from the t.v. set, his voice monotonous.

"What is a bear." Cloud responded distantly, eyeing a half eaten apple.

"What is a dog," a contestant answered.

"Congratulations. 'What is a dog' is the correct answer," Alex Trebec praised.

Cloud frowned at the television from his position in the kitchen. "Fuck you, Alex Trebec. What is 'fuck you' would be the correct answer," he told the television coldly, closing the refrigerator door in defeat. There was nothing to eat within it, nor was there anything but ramen in the cabinets, and ramen made Cloud puke most of the time. Something about it looking like worms floating in soup never failed to set something off in him.

He sat on the counter, hoisting himself up until his butt was planted firmly on formica surface. He kicked his legs and thought about what to do. He couldn't /not/ eat. Then all of his clothes would fall off and he would pass out from low blood sugar and most likely die and no one would care or go to his funeral. The only option open was to eat, then, but they had no food, which presented a dilemma.

He watched to television myopically, feeling a bit depressed at his lack of nutritional sources.

"Do you like food?" a television commercial blared, barely picking through Cloud's muddled state of mind.

Cloud shrugged, staring at the brightly flashing screen. "Kind of," he replied without inflection.

"Do you like fast service?" the commercial continued in a demanding tone.

"I do like fast service," Cloud said thoughtfully. He remembered that one time when he had had to wait an hour to get on a roller coaster. That had pissed him off pretty bad. So yeah, fast service was good. Why not.

The commercial continued, having now gained a good portion of Cloud's attention. "Then waste no time in calling Pinocchio's Pizza Palace for all of your hunger needs! If you don't receive your order in half an hour your pizza is absolutely free!" The number for the restaurant flashed across the screen violently enough to send one with a weaker mind into seizures.

Cloud was unaffected. Seizures just didn't do it for him anymore. He did, however, pick up the telephone and enter the number into it, mouth wet from drool. Huh. He was hungrier than he had thought -- and this Pinnochio's Pizza Palace deal did solve his whole hunger problem.

"Hello?" a voice answered expectantly. "This is Pinocchio's Pizza Palace, what would you like to order?"

After Cloud had successfully ordered a large cheese pizza (Axel might want some, he thought, dismissing his initial order of a personal pan pizza) and a two-liter of pop, he settled himself at the kitchen table and started to play a round of the Game of Life.

Forty minutes later, the doorbell rang.

"You promised fast service," Cloud accused upon opening the door, glaring at the pizza boy to blame.

A pair of almost-familiar blue eyes peered at him from under a horrendously designed pizza-visor, and a pizza was hefted into his personal space.

"I'm sorry for the wait, sir," the boy said cheerfully, pushing the pizza box at him forcefully. Cloud had no choice but to take it, frowning when the box burnt his fingers unpleasantly. "And that'll be sixteen seventy-eight."

Cloud stared at the boy (he used to term boy in a very general way, since the kid looked about a two years younger than him at tops), frowning. The kid looked really familiar. "Where's my pop?" he asked unhappily, switching the hot pizza from hand to hand. He caught his pajama pants from falling just in time.

The boy looked confused. "Pop?"

Cloud nodded sadly. Of course they would forget his pop. "I ordered a drink."

"Sorry about that, sir." The boy said without really sounding sorry. "It was a pretty busy night. Are you going to pay me?"

"No." Cloud said in an obvious tone. "The commercial said I get my food free if the service is not speedy."

"It's a very busy night," The kid said in frustration, switching his weight from foot to foot anxiously. "No one takes those commercials seriously --"

Cloud remembered something very important then that he wished he would have remembered before he had fallen victim to the flashing lure of the commercial. "I hate pizza," he stated, staring at the box.

"Don't hate pizza just because you got bad service!" the boy protested in an offended tone, dropping the subject of payment in lieu of protecting the pizza's good reputation.

Cloud shook his head. "I forgot I don't like pizza," he said in shocked wonder. He forgot a lot of things, really. A state of constant depression was not exactly beneficial to one's memory. "Do you like pizza?" he asked the familiar-looking boy.

The kid nodded. "I love pizza."

"Do you want my pizza?"

The kid stared at Cloud. "Don't you want your pizza?"

Then it clicked. "You're the promiscuous kid!" he said with an air of self-congratulation, peering at the boy in remembrance. It was the boy from his horrible sex-ed class, the one who had asked the horrible questions! He leaned in towards the boy, gazing intently at his name tag. Tidus. What a little sexually-knowledgeable asshole.

Tidus was looking at Cloud with the same type of look reserved for those who had just been groped in a subway -- scandalized and angry. "What! What are you talking about!" He was about to just turn heel and get the hell way from this pizza-hating psycho, payment or not.

"I taught you yesterday," Cloud explained. "About sex."

Tidus stared at him.

"I'm Mr. Strife," Cloud mentioned hopelessly, the pizza box hanging limply from his fingers.

"Oh," Tidus said with a dawning grin. "I remember you. You don't know anything about sex, do you?"

Cloud looked ashamed, which was a bit different from his preset expression of 'sad'. "I'm just a substitute. I teach what they tell me to." He sounded as if he were announcing his own funeral date when he said this.

Tidus patted Cloud's shoulder sympathetically. Poor guy. He looked as if he were about to spice the pizza with the salt of his tears. "It's okay. Sex isn't a big deal." It really was, but Mr. Strife didn't need to know that. Tidus liked sex almost as much as he liked pizza, which was a lot.

Cloud drooped listlessly. "I'll get the money for the pizza," he said softly, making a motion to throw the pizza in the nearby garbage can.

Tidus reacted quickly. "Hey, don't do that," he protested, hand stopping Cloud from giving the pizza a premature death, uneaten and left to go cold in the garbage. "I'll eat it if you don't."

Cloud looked at him. "Can I have your crust?" He could eat the crust. It was like plain bread, almost, which he ate quite often. He let Tidus pull the box from his hands like a surgeon extracts a sliver of glass from the brain -- with extreme care and precision.

"You can have the crust," Tidus agreed, the pizza safe within his hands, warm and edible. "Are you sure you don't want your pizza, Mr. Strife?" Sure, the situation was a strange one, but if he got a free pizza out of the deal it was a beneficial turn of events. Tidus really did like pizza.

Cloud nodded. "You can come in and eat it, if you want."

Tidus was pretty sure he was done with deliveries for that night, and if not . . . well, he could always say he got a flat tire. As Cloud let him into the apartment, he almost could have sworn his ex-sex-ed teacher was almost smiling.

Almost.

* * *

"So then Nicole said I could date Ereck, but don't you remember how his nickname was Wee-Weiner in eighth grade? I don't think I could force myself into dating teeny-weeny Ereck, Brittany, I just don't think I can!"

"I'm sure it's not that small, Megan. It's not the size of the boat, after all, it's the --"

'Motion of the ocean.' Axel finished silently, wishing he had ear plugs to drown out the mind-numbing conversations of the teenage girls surrounding him. He smirked, secure in his belief that his boat was an adequate size. His ocean's motions probably needed a bit of work, but a few times with Roxas would sort that out.

He shifted a bit, jiggling the blood back into his legs. He had been waiting for what seemed forever in this line. Roxas owed him bigtime for this, even if it was an extremely generous gift. He raised himself on tip-toes, looking over the heads of what seemed to be a million teenage girls to see the head of the queue. It was pretty far off, and he had been waiting for two hours.

Ever since he had walked Roxas home.

He smiled goofily and stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets, the chill evening air giving him goosebumps. Roxas had actually kissed him back. With tongue. Double whammy! What a great day. What an excellent, supreme day. Not even the fact that he was about to blow his entire paycheck on some stupid band could mar his perfect day.

"Hey! You!"

Axel didn't pay the voice any heed. He was too wrapped up in his warm, fuzzy, tongue-filled Roxas thoughts to give anything much heed, really. He smiled dreamily and scooted forward as the line shifted, eyes glazed like a donut.

A tap on his shoulder brought him back into semi-reality. He turned to look at his accoster, and instantly had the happy thought that Roxas had dyed and had changed his mind about the whole stopping-the-kissing thing. Axel would happily smooch Roxas anytime, even in front of thousands of people waiting to buy tickets.

But it wasn't Roxas. "You," Axel said in a surprised tone. It was that one kid, the one who Axel had almost killed because he had thought the brat was getting some Roxas-action. He had chalked up brownie points since then by giving Roxas Axel's number, but he still wasn't Axel's favorite person. He had touched Roxas, after all. Gr. Freaking brat.

Sora waved. "Can I cut here?" he murmured subtly, jostling his way next to Axel in line. "I've been waiting in the back for an hour! Good thing your hair is so noticeable." He pointed at Axel's hair, which was indeed not only noticeable because of its bright color, but because of its very wanged appearance. Axel hadn't had the chance to fix it after if had exploded from its rubber band.

Axel frowned. "You should wait your turn in line." You son of a Roxas-touching bitch.

Sora paid him no mind, instead bouncing excitedly next to Axel, hands twitching in bright pink gloves. Axel felt envious. He wished he had brought gloves. Stupid fall and its stupid chilly nights.

"Do you like Soul Harvest?" Sora questioned after a while, gazing at a conveniently placed poster of the band taped to the side of a nearby building, advertising the ticket sale. It was sure to be sold out after tonight, with a crowd this large.

Axel shrugged. "Not really." He glared at the poster. Stupid band. Just because the singer was absolutely gorgeous with his stupid, long, flowing sliver hair. It just made him look old. No one had silver hair. No one. Who did he think he was impressing, anyway? Certainly not Axel, that was for sure.

"Really? Me either. I'm getting these tickets for a gift." Sora explained, looking a bit guiltily at his fuzzy gloves, then at Axel. Hopefully a pair of expensive tickets would mend the rift caused by an exploded nipple and a broken leg. "What's your story?"

Axel considered Sora for a moment, then decided to tell him. The kid seemed pretty harmless. "I'm getting these for a gift, too." He replied, blowing on his hands. Hey, they were almost to the front of the line! Score!

Sora opened his mouth to reply --

"WE ARE ALMOST OUT OF TICKETS. I REPEAT, WE ARE ALMOST SOLD OUT. FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE," A loudspeaker announced, bringing the crowd of would-be concert-goers to a horrible, sudden silence.

Then the world exploded.

Axel sound himself being crushed among frantic female bodies, his eardrums exploding from all of the frantic screaming and hissing erupting from the people around him. He had to resort to using brute strength to man his way towards the ticket desk, tossing those who got in his way aside. It was every man for himself, and there was no way he was about to let this opportunity slip him by. He would get Roxas the ticket and he would go to the concert with Roxas and he would get to see Roxas' face when he gave him the tickets.

Axel grunted as he threw yet another screeching fangirl to the side, fingers grasping for the ticket counter. When he reached it, he victoriously slammed his money on the counter, whooping in triumph, when --

Something came crushing down on his hand with the force of a large boulder, making him keel over to the side in pain. What was once his hand felt like shredded hamburger, his money still clenched within his throbbing fingers pathetically. He fought off getting trampled with his uninjured arm, warding off people by the sheer feat of what was commonly referred to as the 'karate chop action'. He glanced towards the ticket counter, eyes shrouded in pain, and saw his worst nightmare come true.

SOLD OUT.

No fucking way. Axel stared at the sign, unaware of someone hoisting him to his feet. The crowd was fast dispersing upon the closure of the ticket desks, disappointed voices filling the air.

"Are you okay! I'm so sorry! I wasn't thinking!" Axel blinked through what was a mixture of pain and frustration clouding his vision, distantly seeing Sora near him, flustered.

Axel felt like punching him when he saw the tickets clenched in Sora's hand, but his fist hurt too bad to do anything punching related. He did, however, consider karate chopping Sora with his uninjured arm, but his heart just wasn't in it. He had wanted those damn tickets so bad.

After a while, Sora's apologetic babbling registered in Axel's mind.

"...I didn't mean to hurt you I didn't think I just need the tickets or else Riku will never talk to me again is your hand okay I'm so sorry-"

Axel blinked, staring at Sora's hand, the one without the tickets.

"Why are you holding a brass knuckle?"

Sora paused in his frantic explanations, staring at his hand as if he had just noticed he was equipped with a pair of brass knuckles. "I found them on the street before I came here and decided to try them on," he replied, taking them off of his gloved fingers and staring at them as if he had just noticed them.

Axel stared at his own hand, which was swollen and red and hurting. "You hit me with brass knuckles!" he accused, bringing his hand forth into Sora's view.

Sora freaked out. "I didn't know I had them on! I'm so sorry! I wasn't even thinking about anything but the tickets, I swear! It wasn't on purpose!" He dropped the brass knuckles instantly, kicking them away.

Axel felt like laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. He had only wanted tickets so he could score points with Roxas, but had instead been beaten out of the tickets by Roxas' brass-knuckle-wielding look-a-like. "I'm going home," he announced, eager to get some distance between himself and the brat before he gave into instinct. Instinct which was dictating that proper action in this case would be to kick Sora in the nuts and take back his righteously earned tickets.

"I'm sorry!" Sora called miserably to Axel's retreating back, unaware of how close he was to being made into a sterile man by way of Axel's foot.

Axel flipped him off and continued his way back home.

* * *

AN: HAHA! NO ONE WAS EXPECTING TIDUS. OHO. is guilty Anyway, I hope you guys liked that. :D Poor Sora. Like a walking time bomb, he is.

NEXT CHAPTER: Axel may or MAY NOT get tickets, and Riku may or MAY NOT get action. Haha, gimp.


	10. Chapter 10

Title: Super Sized! 

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 10?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither know what to do about. AU Crackfic.

* * *

AN: It has come to my attention that people have huge, huge problems with my characterization. I would like to take a few paragraphs to apologize. I know everyone is pretty OOC when compared to their canon selves. But I'm not going to change this. I'm sorry, but I'm writing this for me, not anyone else, and I'm having a blast. This is an extremely gratifying experience, to know that I'm writing something that I like. 

It's a fanfic. Of course it's not going to be spot on. I've gone down that 'write seriously and exactly parallel to the character's canon self' road and failed miserably. It's not fun for me. I like reading all of the sad, depressing Axel/Roxas and Riku/Sora fics, I really do. Even the ones that are not sad-depressing. I like them. They are just not me. I don't take much seriously. I'm sorry if anyone is bugged by this. :) I know this plot is unbelievable. But hey, it's gonna stay that way.

Whoo. Glad I got that off of my chest.

ANYWAY! Thank you all, as always, for all of the comments and reviews:D I LOVE YOU ALL! I'm sorry this chapter is later than normal!

Also, this chapter may seem totally random, but everything has a place in the greater scheme of things. Even the making out. GREAT SCHEME! Or something like that. cough Plus, not so much funny as it is... kind of sorta serious. Kind of. Almost.

Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 10

* * *

Sora didn't like hospitals much. He had retained some bad memories from childhood -- the time he had broken his left femur, the horrible elbow fracture incident, the whole rubber-cement-sniffing mess, the falling-off-his-bike-and-off-a-bridge ordeal (the doctors had promised that there was no brain damage done -- Sora wasn't so sure, sometimes). All in all, there were no happy memories to be held in a hospital. 

That was why Riku was damn lucky that Sora was sucking up his instantaneous urge to turn and flee the second he stepped foot into the place. Sora could just as easily turn around and sell the dumb tickets to some stranger on the street and get his money back. But he wouldn't, because this was Riku and Riku was worth the painful recurring memories of surgery and casts and medication and pain. Sora owed him, after all. Riku was in this place because of him. Well, because of his dog (if you discounted the nipple thing, but Sora was kind of sure that wasn't worthy of hospitalization).

Sora approached the front desk with a small bit of hesitation, scrunching his nose at the antiseptic smell of the place. "Excuse me," He said loudly, catching the attention of the lobby secretary. He recoiled at the sharp glare aimed at him.

"How may I help you?" the woman snapped, clicking her fingernails against her keyboard in an impatient manner.

Sora shifted uncomfortably. "I'm here to visit my friend," he replied, feeling distinctly out-of-place. He then noticed that he was the only being in the lobby save for the receptionist. He felt frightened and alone under her scrutiny.

The woman leaned forward, sneering. "I hope you're aware that visiting hours are long over," she told him waspishly, cocking her head towards a large clock installed in the wall. Sora looked at it. Huh. Eleven o'clock wasn't that late. What a bitch.

"But I really need to see him," Sora whined, feeling a bit desperate. He had rushed to the hospital first thing after receiving the tickets, hoping to woo Riku out of the grudge he held against Sora. Really, it wasn't like Sora had meant to permanently ruin his mammary functions. Riku had rejected every call Sora had placed to his hospital room the past day, making Sora nervous and upset. Not like guys really needed nipples anyway. Why was Riku so mad about his nipple? It was stupid. Sora would still be Riku's friend even if he had only one nipple, or even three or four.

The receptionist leaned back in her chair. "It's against hospital policies," she said coldly, getting back to her typing. Sora felt like crying. But the tickets! Riku! Nipple!

"But . . . " Time to think fast, man. "But he's going to die," Sora whimpered, faking a sob quite well. The secretary looked alarmed. "I want to see him one . . . last time. I miss him already." Sora felt a little guilty for lying, but not really. He was more amazed at his spectacular theatrical abilities. Who knew he could cry on a whim? NOT HIM. He patted himself on the back. Mentally.

"Well." The receptionist collected herself, caught halfway in reaching out to pat Sora on the head in a concilliatory manner and looking quite stern. Sora was exceptionally adorable when he fake-cried, and it was working in his favor. She melted under the teary shimmer of his large blue eyes. So what if the visiting hours were over seven hours ago? She could make a teeny exception. "You can visit your friend. Just this once."

"It will only be this once." Sora affirmed, wiping his nose onto his sweater, voice hoarse. "Because after this he'll be . . . he'll be . . . ." He dipped into his new-found reserve of acting talent to pull out another sob, watching the bitchy-woman out of the corner of his eye. It was working. She was melting like butter in a microwave. Mm. Butter in a microwave. Sora reminded himself that one was not to drool while crying.

"Move along, now," the woman said in a tone that was almost kind, handing Sora a little pink hanky from a box on her desk. Sora sobbed out a sound of appreciation and wallowed past her, making his way down the hospital hallway in a despairing fashion, wibbling pathetically. The woman took a moment to wipe a small tear from her eye.

Sucker.

* * *

Riku's rather massive hit-combo was broken when the door to his hospital room was opened, and he let the controller to his video game drop in defeat, eyes moving sluggishly to meet whatever doctor or nurse had entered his room for the umpteenth time since he had arrived. 

Riku gasped in surprise. "Sora!" Sora was in no way a doctor or nurse, unless one were to refer back to a few of Riku's more lewd and vibrant fantasies. He was pretty sure it wasn't the time to think of Sora showing him the recreational values of bed rest, however. He was mad at Sora and it was going to stay that way for a while. Even if he wore a nurse outfit and fed him applesauce.

Sora smiled largely at him and stepped into the room, closing the door behind him with a small, slick noise. "Hey!" he greeted, shuffling his feet awkwardly, eyes searching for something to look at. He stared at the TV mounted high upon the wall where Riku's abandoned game was still flashing. "You're getting whupped pretty bad. Heh. You always sucked at video games." Sora realized that this was probably not the right thing to say, not with the way Riku was glaring at him. Sora sighed and cursed his verbal vomit.

Riku stared at Sora, slightly drugged but still mostly capable of holding a grudge. "Why are you here?" he asked bitterly, ignoring Sora's low blow to his video game prowess. "Wanna bang me up some more? Couldn't stand that I still have three intact limbs?"

Sora shifted guiltily. "That's not fair," he argued, crossing his arms and standing as far away from Riku as the room allowed (which wasn't very far. Riku's hospital room was the size of a walk-in closet.). "You broke your leg on your own." Which was pretty much true -- Sora had had no hand in the affair whatsoever.

"It was your damn dog I almost sat on," Riku retorted, fighting just for the fact that it felt nice -- relieving the strange, tense atmosphere that had pervaded the room. He really didn't want to be mean to Sora, but he couldn't help it. It felt good to hurt his friend in some odd, twisted way. Riku suspected his nipple was extracting its own revenge through the words.

Sora threw out his arms, getting angry. "My dog/MY/ dog! YOU are the dumbass who got me a puppy! I didn't want the fucking thing!" Sora mentally apologized to Goofy. He certainly did want the puppy, but wasn't about to let Riku know that. Not when it was leverage in the fight. He made a mental vow to play catch with him later or scratch his little puppy tummy or something equally pleasant.

Riku sat up, ignoring the pain it brought to him. His leg remained on the bed, held in an awkward cast that allowed little movement. Which was a good thing, because the only movement Riku wanted to make was the action of bashing Sora's face repeatedly into the wall. "Oh, excuse me, then," Riku spat acidly, his eyes reduced to slits of drug-glazed green, temper flaring to epic proportions. "Remind me never to want to make you happy again, Sora. You're not fucking worth it." Some part of Riku was telling him that he was a foolish, foolish dumbass for saying that. He paid it no attention.

Sora would have liked to have blame the wetness in his eyes on the fact that he possessed incredible acting skills, but that was not the case. He swiped viciously at his eyes with the back of one clenched fist, seeing red. "I can't believe I came here," he muttered through clenched teeth, pawing blindly for the handle of the door, wanting to get out. He felt like he was going to throw up -- this wasn't how it was supposed to be. Riku was supposed to accept his apology and accept the tickets and maybe play a game of thumb wrestling with Sora. "I can't believe I waited for hours to get you those damn tickets. I can't believe I walked all the way here to apologize. I can't believe you, Riku!"

Riku started to hiss something equally bitter towards Sora's retreating form, but his words froze in his mouth. Say what?

"Say what?" Riku asked, voice devoid of all his previous bitterness. He felt shallow and empty all of a sudden, like all of his anger had drained away and left nothing. Oh man, he thought. What the hell was I thinking!

Sora turned back around, halfway out the door. "I said I came to say sorry," he snapped, eyes flashing angrily at Riku, hand fisted white-knuckled over the door handle. "But you're too much of an asshole to let me."

A moment of awkward silence fell between them, broken only by Sora's harsh breathing. Riku felt like he had just swallowed a can of live snakes. He resisted the urge to blow chunks all over the immaculately sanitary plane of the hospital floor. He was such a jerk.

"You came to apologize?" Riku said dumbly, staring at Sora with wide eyes.

"I was," Sora amended. "But now I don't feel so keen on the idea." He sniffled in an adorably angry manner. Riku melted like butter in the microwave.

After a moment of hesitation, Riku came to a decision. "Come here," he demanded, patting the bit of bed next to him. Sora approached him slowly, like an ant approaching an elephant, scared that he was about to be crushed again. Riku attempted a smile as Sora took a seat, gingerly perching himself on the slice of bed available, but found that he couldn't. His face was too tight from the adrenaline of their fight. He could at best muster a small upturn at the corners of his lips.

Sora looked at his feet, sullen. "Well, what do you want?"

Riku wanted a lot of things, really. He wanted to take back the things he had said. He wanted Sora to smile at him. He wanted a pony (a relic of wanting from his childhood, but a yearning still felt in his teenage years occasionally). But mostly he wanted to kill the sour mood he had gotten them into, tainting what should have been valuable hanging-with-Sora time. So Riku took the only viable route possible for him to take.

Sora opened his mouth, stunned, but no words came out, probably because he had a mouthful of Riku-hair.

"Are you hugging me?" Sora inquired, muffled voice sounding not so much angry as it did shocked. Riku felt that this plan of attack was successful and proceeded to hug Sora harder.

"Yep." Riku replied, squeezing Sora to his chest. Sora squeaked in a very unmanly fashion, arms pinned uselessly against Riku. "Is that okay?" Riku had never been much of a hugger, not even around Sora, but this felt pretty good. Pretty darn good, actually. He sniffed Sora's hair. It smelled good. Pretty darn good.

"It's okay." Sora squiggled around into a comfortable position, half-on Riku and half-off the bed. His cheek was pressed to his friend's, something that should have been extremely awkward and was not only extremely awkward but was also extremely hot, for some reason. Like that one time that Riku had coerced Sora into going skinny dipping, or slept in the same bed with him, or when they had taken that one shower together -- all of those events had been horribly awkward and tense in that teenage 'this is pretty sexually exciting' way. Like watching porn discreetly with your parents in the next room, only Riku wasn't porn and the only people around were doctors. Same difference.

"Doesn't this feel weird to you?" Sora asked after a while, breathing shallowly into Riku's neck, legs having curled themselves off of the floor and onto the bed.

Riku considered this for a moment, raising his head from where it had been resting upon Sora's (despite that fact that Sora's head made for a very uncomfortable pillow, seeing that his hair was painful and spiky to touch). "Pretty weird," Riku agreed. He hefted Sora closer to him, which was pretty hard considering his cast prevented any full contact.

Sora went quiet for a minute, in deep thought. Riku watched him, eyes fond and face smushy.

"So," Sora started, levering himself into a semi-upright position, hovering over Riku. His eyes considered Riku seriously for a moment, mouth in a thoughtful half-smile. "Wanna make out?"

Riku stared. "Are you kidding!" Kidding or not, his heart was beating a good thousand zillion miles per hour, beating a painful hole into his chest.

"Nope." Sora was way, way, way too close for any comfort Riku had, his bright blue eyes magnificently mischievous above the gauze strip protecting his still-swollen nose, lips pink... Riku stared at them, gulping. Lips. Sora. Making out. None of it seemed too objectionable, really. He hoped this wasn't some kind of cruel joke Sora was playing on him, a petty way of continuing their fight.

Riku released the reins of his self control, bidding it 'adios' as it galloped away into the far distance. "Hell yeah, I wanna make out," he slurred, the words mashing together as he took no time in mashing his lips to Sora's, messy and eager.

"Cool," Sora managed, using his tongue in sloppy, unpracticed ways.

After a while, things got more messy and a lot more physical. In what was left of Riku's mind, he found the mental capacity to dub the act of making out 'tongue kung-fu', because it kind of reminded him of when he and Sora would practice karate on each other -- the same kind of juvenile, unskilled contest only with more tongue and more . . . goodness.

Riku gasped as Sora delivered a mighty swirly tongue bite-y action to his lower lip. This was awesome!

Sora stopped then, leaving Riku gasping, panting, and every other form of heavy breathing known to man. "That was pretty cool," Sora said in a congratulatory manner, giving Riku the thumbs up and grinning like a cat who had drowned in a vat of cream.

"Yeah," Riku uttered, a little too blown out of his mind for any other speech. "Cool."

"You know what's cooler?" Riku had no clue what could be cooler than making out with Sora. Why was Sora asking him this? What a dumb question. Nothing could ever hope to be cooler than -- well, maybe if Sora were to dress like a nurse and make out with him. That would be cool as Hell. It would be even cooler if Sora would let Riku beat him at video games afterwards.

"Uhn?" Riku replied intelligently, eyeing the slick layer of spit lining Sora's lip.

Sora sat up, breaking most of the bodily contact with Riku and delving into his pockets. Riku's first thought was "HE'S GOING FOR A CONDOM! WHOO!" but soon his thought processes were proven horribly wrong when Sora produced two slips of paper from his pocket, obviously not designed for sexual escapading. They weren't even laminated. He squinted. They looked a lot like tickets.

"Whassat?" Riku managed, propping himself up on his forearms, eyes cloudy.

Sora looked extremely proud of himself. "What's your favorite thing ever?"

Riku wanted to respond 'you', but was aware how sappy that sounded even in his own head. Besides, he didn't need tickets to get into Sora. Ah. Bad thought -- good thought. No, bad thought! Riku frowned, his mind chaotic. "I don't know," he responded finally, deciding it was a goodish kind of bad thought.

"I'll give you a hint." Sora said slowly, waving the papers in front of Riku's face. "It has to do with one stupid band that you like."

Riku was offended. He liked a lot of bands, none of which he thought were particularly stupid. Sora even shared most of his musical tastes, all except . . . for . . . . "No way," he whispered, staring with renewed interest -- no, lust -- at the tickets, eyes wide and focused all of a sudden. "No way."

Sora grinned. "Way."

"Soul Harvest!"

"Yep."

"How --"

"I waited all night to get the tickets."

"Why --"

"Because I wanted to apologize for what I did to your nipple."

"But --"

"I'm sure we'll find a way to get you there, even with a gimpy leg."

Riku sat back, his questions answered. He smiled helplessly. "You're so awesome."

Sora stood up and stretched, unaware of how Riku was staring at him with the mooniest doe-eyed stare ever, utter adoration evident on his face. "You probably need some rest," Sora said in a considerate manner, patting Riku's cast gently. "And my mom's supposed to be here to pick me up. I gotta go." Sora raised an eyebrow teasingly. "I'll be sure to tell the doctor your tonsils are in great shape."

Riku had the grace to blush happily. "You sexual deviant."

Sora laughed. "When do you get out of here, anyway?"

Riku sighed, flumphing back into his uncomfortable hospital pillow. "The day after tomorrow. Sunday. You should come and visit," he added hopefully, crossing his fungers underneath the thin hopsital sheet. He knew Sora would come, but there was no harm in hoping. "Tomorrow, I mean."

Sora stopped at the door, turning to smile at Riku. "Duh, where else would I go? I'll be sure to bring some board games and an extra controller for video games." Riku nodded and Sora grinned back at him before disappearing behind the door again, the only noise in the room the cheesy background music of Riku's video game.

"Awesome," Riku said to himself, smiling goofily. He picked up the video game controller and resumed working toward his goal of the ultimate hit combo, failing miserably as his mind was elsewhere. (Elsewhere being the general vicinity of Sora's person.)

* * *

Axel was in an incurably foul mood. 

First of all, he had no tickets.

Secondly, walking home in the night through the city was not his idea of a good time. If he had been the type to plan ahead he would have realized that waiting in line for the tickets would take a while, and while the city was a safe place to wait in line for a pair of tickets in the day and evening it was not such a safe place for a handsome young man such as himself to walk home through at night. He had tried in vain to hail a cab and had also missed the last bus of the night -- home was a good four hours away on foot.

"Hey, pretty baby! OW OW!" someone yelled at him from a car, leering from lowered, tinted windows at him. They proceeded to catcall lecherously at Axel.

Axel walked faster, ignoring them. He wondered if Cloud had noticed he wasn't home yet. He then took another second to wonder if Cloud ever noticed anything. Somewhere in the distance a siren went off and Axel was suddenly reminded of all of the late night crime scene investigation shows that took place in the city on creepy, dark nights such as this. He shivered. He didn't want to die in some alley! He hadn't even had sweet, sweaty, passionate sex with Roxas yet!

"I don't want to die a virgin, I don't want to die a virgin," Axel muttured to himself, sidestepping a sleeping hobo on the sidewalk, tense and nervous. 'At least let me live long enough to tell Roxas I love him,' he begged silently, eyeing an empty car he was walking past suspiciously. A man walking from an all-night corner store eyed him, sizing him up.

Axel reminded himelf that he had his cell phone with him in case of emergency, or, if things went really bad, he could chuck it at an attacker and run for his life. He also had a lighter.

He walked for a good fifteen minutes of accoster-free speed-walking, tense as a squirrel nailed to a dartboard. If all went well, he would make it home in one piece, or at least walk until the buses started up again. He glanced at his phone. It was already midnight. He clicked open a text message and typed "I love you" into his phone, ending the phrase with a little smiley face. A few seconds later and the message was on its way to Roxas and the phone was back in Axel's pocket. There. Now if he was shot down by some unruly gangster Roxas would at least know that he had loved him. Even if he did die a virgin.

It wasn't until Axel was in the dark median between streetlights that he noticed that he was being followed. His breathing picked up as did the pace of his walking. What should he do? Attack them? Perform some awesome display of ninja skill and karate them to death? Let them mug him? Get shot? Run? Talk to them? He was panicking, his breathing coming out in irregular gasps. The person was gaining on him.He freaked.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" He yelled, pointing vindictively at his stalker, eyes wide and finger shaking. His voice didn't aid much in his quest for badassness -- his words cracked in a very 'I just hit puberty' way. Which was unfair and untrue. Axel had hit puberty six years ago. The shadowy figure paused for a moment, then started walking towards him once more. Axel started to freak out. "I know karate!" He actually didn't.

The figure walked into the glow of a streetlight, and Axel's first though was a hysterical 'OH MY GOD A VAMPIRE.' Because the man most certainly did look like a vampire, right down to the red eyes and pale skin. Axel wasn't too sure if it was the norm for vamps to sport a black hooded sweater and jeans, but maybe it was a modern one. Not like it mattered what it wore. He didn't want to die by suckage to the neck, that was for sure.

Axel was about to chuck his cell phone at the vampire and run (as was the plan), but the man spoke before he could chuck'n'run.

"Can I use your cell phone?"

Axel blinked and stopped his arm mid-swing, totally prepared to throw the afore-mentioned device. The guy didn't sound very vampiric. Just kind of depressed, more like a Cloud voice than a "blah blah I vant to suck your blood!" one.

"How do I know you aren't planning on killing me?" Axel questioned suspiciously, stepping a bit closer to the man, who, upon inspection, looked pretty harmless. Axel could probably take him. He was extremely thin. (Not that Axel wasn't, but still.) He clutched his cell phone to his chest possessively.

The man shrugged. "My car broke down." He gestured vaguely behing him. "Back there. An hour or so ago. I don't have money or else I would have used a pay phone." His arm flopped to his side and the man looked took a moment to look decidedly unhappy. "I probably deserve this, though."

Axel blinked, totally disarmed. "Deserve it?"

The man shrugged. "Nothing. Can I use your phone or not?"

Axel cautiously extended his hand and deposited his cell phone into the other man's long, pale fingers, feeling apprehensive at the whole situation. The man flipped the little device open and proceeded to swiftly dial into it. Axel resisted the urge to grab it back.

"Hello?" the guy said after a while, apparently having broken through the connection. He frowned. "No, I am certainly not off angsting about my life."

A pause. Another car slowed to catcall, this time at both Axel and the vampire man. Axel frowned and crossed his arms.

"My car broke down," the man was currently explaining, looking exasperated. "No, I don't know where." He brought the phone down, looking at Axel. "Do you know where we are?"

Axel shrugged helplessly. He had no clue where they were. "Downtown." He supplied uselessly.

The man scowled. "We're downtown. Across from . . . " He squinted at a flourescent sign across the street above a doorway. "The Naked Narcissist." Upon further inspection, it appeared to be a strip club. A neon naked woman was depicted dancing on a flourescent pole. Axel stared at it in disbeleif.

The man continued with his conversation. "What do you mean you know where that is? Why the hell would you be going to a place like that?" He looked pretty angry. Axel wondered if he would grow fangs now. He didn't, just paced a bit. "Fine. Fine, I don't care. Just come get me."

A beat.

"Stop calling me baby. See you soon."

Axel stared at the man, who glared at him. Geesh, it's not like he could help overhearing. It was his phone, after all. Jerk. Axel instead made himself busy by staring at the nudie-bar's sign. he wondered how hard it was to pole dance. It looked kind of fun. Like-

"Here's your phone." Suddenly Axel was in possesion of his phone once more, the man having slid in quite subtlely into his hand. He pocketed it quickly, expecting the guy to mosey on his way. He didn't, instead opting to stand and stare at Axel with his creepy red eyes some more.

Axel shifted uncomfortably. "What?"

"Do you need a ride?" the man asked coldly, stuffing his pale hands into the pocket of his sweater.

Axel thought about this for a moment. Taking rides from strangers was an all-around bad idea, he was sure. But then again, flouncing around downtown in the dead of night wasn't exactly brilliant either. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place -- or, as the case was, the ghetto and a vampire. Neither looked too appealing. He almost answered no -- Hell, he could brave it out if he walked fast enough.

"I WANT THAT BACON THAT YOU'RE SHAKIN', BABEEEE!" a man yelled, leaning from a passing car. Since Axel wasn't shaking any actual bacon, he understood the man meant his 'ass' bacon. Which was a lot worse.

Axel's decision was made for him. "A ride would great," he responded quickly. He stuck out his hand, feeling that the vampire should at least know his name before making a meal out of him in the back seat. "I'm Axel."

The man looked at him oddly, letting Axel's hand awkwardly hang in the air. "My name is Vincent," he replied at last, staring at Axel's wavering hand in a "Ho, you expect me to /touch/ you!" way. Axel let his hand fall and laughed nervously.

It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Or not, considering Axel planned on running into his apartment and locking his door the second he was away from the guy and never seeing him again. Either way, it was the beginning of something.

* * *

AN: Haha, yes. Vincent. I love him a lot and was like . . . HE WORKS WITH MY GRAND VISION. He would work better nakie, but hey. Uh. cough Anyway. I'm sorry for such a lame chapter. NOTHING HAPPENED. Well, stuff did happen, but not enough. But I have this thing where I go "OMG I WROTE FOUR THOUSAND WORDS I'M DONE! WHOO! PARTY!" and stop. It works well. I'll attempt to shoot out the next chapter by Tuesday or Wednesday. :-) SEE YOU . . . THEN. 


	11. Chapter 11

Title: Super Sized! 

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 11?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither knows what to do about. AU Crackfic.

AN: This chapter is so screwed up. Whoo! -is excited- But again, it was fun to write. Like always. Even if it did take way too long. -sigh- I have the personal joy of saying this is the longest yet. That may not mean anything to anyone else, but... I'm happy. Whoo! Whoo! Party!

A warm thank you to emptybackpack for putting up with my horrendous spelling and general mistake-age. Soused is not the same as doused. I before e except after c. All that and more. Hearts to her!

I, as always, must give a WARM AND HAPPY THANK YOU to the reviewers. You guys are nuts. I love reading what you have to say, even if it's a 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS WHY' type of comment. Thumbs up, guys! Thumbs way up! I will try to reply from now on. TRY. Dial up internet is no one's friend. Wah.

Annnnnyyyywaaaay. ENJOY, MES AMIS!

* * *

Chapter Eleven

* * *

It was an awkward kind of waiting, to say the least.

"So..." Axel said for what had to be the tenth time, a bit desperate for conversation. It wasn't as if he really wanted to talk to this Vincent guy, it was just that talking was better than the alternative. The alternative was pretty scary, to be truthful.

As it was, it seemed Vincent was quite fond of the alternative, which pretty much consisted of him staring dully at the street, eyes glazed over creepily and mouth set into a grim line, hair blowing dramatically in the passing wind. If anyone were to pass them (well, anyone besides carfuls of men looking for a nice piece of ass, anyway) they would most likely have taken the man for a rather sad mannequin left out by some store for garbage day.

After a few moments of answering silence Axel gave up his 'make the scary man giving me a ride talk to me' campaign, having resigned himself to the fact that the man was not going to talk to him. No biggie. Axel busied himself with his cell phone, subtly scratching under the waistline of his jeans.

A text message made itself known to the world by tinkling a happy little tune, making Vincent twitch a little, almost unnoticeably. 'ROXAS', the screen read brightly, enticing Axel to read it. Pssh. Like he could /not/ read it.

"Stop saying weird crap like that," the text message read coldly, making Axel's fingers pause on the brightly shining buttons, a frown settling on his face. "You're such a freakwad."

"I'm not a freakwad," Axel said in an offended tone, staring at his cell phone in an upset manner.

Vincent said something distantly, but it went unheard by Axel. He was too busy typing a frantic "But I meant it. And I'm not a freakwad, you --" He took a second to think of an appropriate name of wadness for Roxas. "Mean-wad." He sent the message, satisfied. He figured mean-wad would suffice if taken in a playful tone (which was hard to convey through mere text message, but Axel hoped Roxas would interpret it that way). He actually wanted to put something like make-outable-wad, but decided, after much deliberation, that it was waddage overkill.

A car honked, background noise. Axel shut his cell phone, the sound a faint click as he slid the device into his pants pocket, glancing up.

"HEY! YOU!" a rough voice yelled from what appeared to be an expensive looking SUV that had not been there before. Axel looked around. Vincent was gone. He panicked, briefly. Had he turned into a bat to fly away and abandoned Axel to be picked up by men in SUV's like some cheap hooker? Ah! Axel was sure his sexual favors would pale in comparison to those of a professional streetwalker.

The car beeped in an irritated way, a monstrous noise that echoed through the empty night streets, almost making Axel wet himself with its sheer volume. It echoed for a few moments, bouncing off of buildings and making a car alarm go berserk somewhere nearby.

A man leaned out of the window, looking annoyed. "HEY. VIN SAYS YOU NEED A RIDE. YOU GETTIN' IN OR WHAT?"

Axel stared at the man dumbly for a moment, gone a bit deaf by way of the car horn. Oh. Vin. Must be Vincent. Yeah. Ride. He needed one. Getting in the car would entitle him to a ride. To his house. Which Vincent told the man he needed. Which he did.

Axel blinked and came to his senses. "I need a ride!" he called out, picking his way towards the large vehicle, just able to make out the unhappy set of Vincent's face in the passenger seat, staring at him detachedly. He apprehensively lifted the handle to the back seat's massive car door, pulling on it mightily. He hoped to God he didn't somehow manage to scratch the immaculate paint job.

The first thing Axel noticed upon opening the car door was that the interior smelled very odd. Like a campfire that had been doused with can after can of deodorizer. Pine-scented deodorizer that didn't do much to mask the fact that the car still smelled like it had, at one time, been on fire. The second thing Axel realized that the car must have cost the yearly GDP of a mid-sized third world country. He placed himself delicately onto the cold, black leather car seat, staring at the mini-bar inset into where the middle-seat should have been in wonder. There were at least twenty different types of vodka.

Axel shut his door, feeling entirely out of place and oddly excited. Mini-bars were so cool!

"Where are we headed?" the rough voice questioned, the owner of it craning his head around to face Axel. Axel wondered how a man who drove such an expensive piece of machinery had what looked a heck of a lot like motor grease streaked across his face, but decided not to ask why. The guy didn't look happy and his breath smelled like smoke. The sooner Axel answered him, the better.

Axel fidgeted uncomfortably. "Uh, the apartments on Taylor Street," he said quickly, glad the man was turning back around. "Do you need directions?"

The car started then, the gigantic heap of metal vibrating to life. "Directions. No, don't need 'em." he replied, hitting the gas. The rest of the car ride was spent without another word spoken in Axel's direction, which was fine with him.

Slivers of conversation floated back towards him, in between the rumbling of the engine and occasional snatch of music filtering from the radio.

"You've been smoking again," Vincent said in a not-happy voice, the kind of voice Cloud used when Axel left the toilet seat up. Axel didn't really know why this bothered Cloud, seeing as they both possessed the genitalia know as the penis, but bothered Cloud it did.

The driving-man shifted a bit guiltily behind the wheel, hooking a sharp left that sent Axel clinging to the edge of the seat to avoid being slammed into fragility of the mini-bar (the fragility being the expensive-looking crystal-cut shot glasses and plethora of glass bottles). "Have not."

"I can smell it, Cid. I'm not stupid. The little pine thing can only go so far," Vincent hissed, tugging on the little air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror. "It smells like a campfire. A campfire of tobacco." Vincent frowned deeply.

Axel felt lost in their conversation. He played a game of Connect Four on his cell phone to distract himself.

The Cid-man drove on silently with a decidedly surly hunch to his shoulders, which were the only things Axel could see of him. Vincent turned to stare out of the window. Axel played with a thread from his shirt, a glance out the window proving that they were pretty close to his home.

"We're pretty close," he announced, feeling as though he was obligated to.

The driver replied with a sharp curse. Axel fell silently back to his compelling game of Connect Four, losing horribly. He breathed out a sigh of relief when the vehicle slowed to a halt, grinding to a stop outside of the welcome sight of his slightly run-down apartment building. He had survived the night without being raped or vampire'd. He felt successful, on the whole.

"Thanks for the ride," he said, again feeling the obligatory urge to spout pleasantries.

Vincent turned to face him, face set in a stoic expression. "Why were you out, anyway?"

It was a question that any normal person would have asked a long time prior to actually giving a stranger a ride, but Axel had the not-so-faint impression that Vincent wasn't too normal, so he excused the error mainly because he was afraid if he didn't answer Cid could mow him down like a blade of grass the second he stepped out of the monstrous SUV.

"I was waiting in line for tickets," he replied truthfully, itching to get inside his apartment and away from the weirdness of the situation. "I didn't get them." He missed the look passed between Cid and Vincent, one that pretty much said "WOW WHAT A COINCIDENCE" mixed with "I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW" with a touch of "THERE IS A COMMONER IN THE CAR".

"Tickets?" Vincent asked, showing the slightest hint of interest. Axel subtly tried to open his door. It was locked. He gulped.

"Yeah. Tickets. To some band I don't even like," he said calmly, thinking of ways he could kill Vincent and Cid using liquor bottles and a lighter so he could escape. "It was for some kid I like." Liquor was flammable, right?

"Soul Harvest?"

"Yep." Axel was considering a rather large bottle of tequila, eyeing Vincent's hair. It looked like good kindling. He really wasn't paying attention to the conversation, all in all.

With a click of a seat belt, Vincent pulled himself off the seat enough the shuffle through the back pocket of his jeans. Axel stared. Was he going for a tranquilizer? A gun? A condom? He quelled the primal urge to leap and attack. Maybe this was all a big misunderstanding. Maybe the car had child safety locks and they weren't locking him in for nefarious purposes after all. Maybe. He kept a hand on his lighter just in case.

Instead of a weapon or a sexual safety device, Vincent produced what appeared to be two little slips of paper from his pocket. Without a glance, he tossed them back at Axel.

Axel gaped. Soul Harvest tickets. No effin' way.

"For letting me use your phone," Vincent muttered.

"Whu--" Axel said intelligently, staring at the tickets like a monkey stares at a tree of bananas, only with considerably less oo-oo-aa-aa-ing.

A loud click alerted Axel that he had indeed been locked in the car. "Get the hell out now," the Cid guy barked, looking like he needed a smoke but also looking like he was aware that if he lit up, Vincent would introduce his Mr. Fist to Cid's Mr. Face.

Axel complied, speechless. He watched as the SUV took off the second he had obtained a three foot distance from it, taking its strange scent of a campfire with it.

* * *

"You're back late."

Axel looked up where he had walked in the door, staring at the tickets in his hand. Cloud stared at him from the kitchen table, fingers flicking idly at a board game's spinner. There was a brief moment of silence during which Axel tried to decide whether or not to tell Cloud about the night's insanity. He decided not to, instead opting to watch Cloud angrily inserting peg children into his little car.

"I never wanted kids," Cloud announced, staring at the little pink car in total resignation, pushing it across the board with the tip of his finger. Axel was pretty sure that if anyone could mentally fail at the Game of Life, it was Cloud.

Axel meandered towards the refrigerator, a bit dazed. He had tickets. A total nutcase had given him tickets. Cool. He thought about how Roxas would respond and his brain short-circuited in a happy manner. He had tickets to give to Roxas. He snagged a pudding cup from the fridge, grinning stupidly.

"I ordered pizza." Cloud looked up from his board game, haven given up hope of any chance of a future in it when he had gained another set of twins. He didn't really like twins anyway, really, and wished the game had the option of giving children to the cause of adoption. Not like anyone would want his kids, anyway . . . . He frowned.

Axel raised an eyebrow, a huge wobbly spoonful of pudding wavering between the cup and his lips, the action of eating obviously put on pause thanks to the mention of pizza. Pizza took general priority over pudding, really, and Axel would rather fill himself up on a good ol' slice of greasy pizza than a two-month-old snack pack. "Really? Where?"

Cloud shrugged. "It's gone." It was, too. Tidus was a pretty fast eater, not to mention a thorough one, and had devoured the entire large pizza in the space of a half hour. He had, of course, given Cloud the crust. He was a nice boy.

Axel stared at him hard for a moment before remembering that Cloud was crazy and should not be really given any real portion of his attention. He ate his spoonful of pudding with little relish. He hoped it was supposed to be tapioca. If not, he was eating some really old, lumpy pudding. He ignored that train of thought and continued to eat.

Cloud watched him for a second before boxing up his board game indifferently, ripping the peg children out with gusto.

Pudding finished, Axel threw the little empty container into the garbage. "I'm going to bed," he informed Cloud, idly scratching it at his neck. His face twisted into a grotesque yawn, complete with a loud, satisfied yawning noise and everything. "I've had a long day."

Cloud didn't respond, instead choosing to lay his head on the kitchen table and take a nap.

It took about ten seconds for Axel to shut his door, flick off his light, shed his clothes, and snuggle into bed. He made sure to carefully place the tickets onto his bedside table along with his cell phone, which he patted fondly.

It tinkled merrily at the touch and began to flash spasmodically. Axel stared at it in somewhat frightened confusion before he realized that someone was either texting him or that his phone had grown aware to his touches and was now a sentient being.

Upon inspection, it was a text message.

"Goodnight, lamewad." Roxas said textually.

Axel grinned. "Sweet dreams, shortwad." He snuck his phone under his pillow and squiggled a bit to get comfortable, feeling rather happy with life in general. Even his hand seemed to have recovered from the vicious brass knuckle incident. "Goodnight," he said to no one in particular, feeling pretty content.

"Goodnight," Cloud answered from the kitchen.

Weird. Axel fell asleep, frowning.

* * *

In the space of three hours, Sora had beaten Riku at checkers a total of twenty-four times. Riku had almost won three times, but all in all had pretty much had his butt served to him on a silver platter. He was in a pretty sour mood. He hated to lose. Sora could at least have pity on his broken-legged plight and let him win just once. Jerk.

"I don't want to play anymore," Riku sulked, tone of voice moody. Sora paused in setting up another game of checkers, smiling with a checker inexplicably stuck between his lips. He pulled it out and smoothed it onto the board, wiping a little spit off of the piece.

"Come on, Riku. You're getting better at this, really." Sora was pretty sure that Riku wasn't getting better, but he wasn't going to say that. It had taken the silver haired boy two hours to master the rule of the double jump, and he still didn't understand why a checker had the ability to make a jump at all. Sora had actually been sucking on purpose to let Riku win, but the boy was too horrible at the game in general to let Sora's handicap aid him.

Riku crossed his arms and leaned against the wall behind his hospital bed, looking sour. "I said I don't want to play anymore, Sora."

Sora sighed and shrugged. "Fine." He slid the checkers off of the board and into their box, tossing the game halfheartedly onto the floor. "But what else can we do? It's a Saturday morning in a hospital, Riku. It's not like we can strip naked and skateboard."

Whoa. Riku's mind was waylaid for a second. Stripping naked and skateboarding with Sora was a pretty appealing idea, actually. Hehe, they could give a new meaning to the term 'grind'. Riku smiled, an unintentionally perverted expression. He shook himself, aware that Sora was giving him a weird look. "Uh. We could --"

And then something horrible happened. Riku fell to his side on the bed, mouth open in a soundless scream, hands clenching into the cheap, paperlike bedsheets. Sora freaked out, thinking Riku had choked on a stray checker. He proceeded to whack the hell out of Riku's arched back, hoping to dislodge the small, plastic piece.

"St-stop it." Riku said weakly, slumping against the bedsheets in a daze. What the hell was that? Sora ceased his back-whacking momentarily.

"But you're choking," Sora argued, hitting Riku again, unable to really help himself. He had once watched a very informative video that had told him what to do in case someone was choking. Or was that drowning? It could have been seizures. Either way, he was pretty sure he knew what he was doing.

Riku spasmed lightly. "Sora. Really. I wasn't choking."

Sora frowned. "Then what the hell was that? Are you having a seizure?"

Riku shook his head, sitting upright with some difficulty, breathing heavily. "No," he replied, frowning. He reached a hand up to rub gingerly at his chest, fingering it through the flimsy cotton of his hospital jammies. "I think I just had a nipple cramp."

"What!" Sora sounded incredulous. "But the doctor said you wouldn't ever get the feeling back in that nipple!"

Riku shrugged. "Miracles happen, I guess." He poked experimentally at his nipple, hoping he didn't set it off again. That had been freaking painful, like an arrow to the chest. He couldn't feel his poke. He frowned. "Or maybe not. I still can't feel anything." Damn. He had gotten his hopes up, too. Maybe he could get it pierced, if he couldn't feel it anyway. Cool.

Sora leaned over, making the bed squeak in protest. "Let me try." He offered, eyes intent on the spot where Riku's nipple lay dormant underneath his shirt, mouth set into a determined frown. It was his fault that Riku's nipple was on the fritz, after all. He should at least try to fix it.

Riku protested, shrinking back against the wall in what could have been aptly termed animalistic fear. "Sora, I would rather you not try to fix my nipple," he said a bit desperately, fighting Sora's hands back. "Really. It's fine."

Sora gave him the 'Shut your mouth, dumb ho' look, hands breaking Riku's weak defense and falling lightly to rest on Riku's chest. He adopted a look of extreme concentration as his fingers padded over a bump of what was obviously a nipple. "Is this it?"

Riku stared at Sora, eyes wide. "Yep."

Sora poked it, gingerly. "Did that hurt?"

Riku shrugged. "Did what hurt?"

"Ah." Sora hummed, poking it harder. "How about now?"

"Nope," Riku shrugged, eyeing Sora's finger with slight amusement. He was like Superman, impervious to any pain someone might inflict. Cool.

Sora frowned, staring at Riku and trying to gauge whether his friend was lying or not. "How about now?" He gently pinched at the little nub of flesh, hoping he wasn't popping any more nerve bunches.

"You might as well stop. I feel nothing," Riku replied haughtily, cracking his neck lazily.

Sora pinched again, smiling wide and mean.

Riku gasped and squirmed, frowning. "Hey! That was the wrong nipple!" he protested, ignoring the hormonal surge of 'dude, Sora just pinched my nipple and it was hella AWESOME' that pounded through his veins.

"I know," Sora said evilly, reaching out to let his hands smooth over Riku's chest, feeling the swell of teenage boy-muscle there, taut and nervous underneath his fingers. Sora blushed a little, suddenly very aware that he was on a hospital bed, pinching at his best friend's nipples. Were they even best friends anymore? Since they made out? What were they now? Best-making-out-friends? Sora's stream of thought was cut short as he was pushed back onto the bed, a stray checker digging into his back and Riku's tongue digging into his mouth. Riku's cast clunked against Sora's knee, but it didn't hurt that bad.

"You're a tease," Riku gasped, hands clenched into Sora's small shoulders, breath heavy and actually not that pleasant, considering Sora had woken him up and not given him a chance to brush his teeth before launching them into their grueling three hour checker tournament.

Sora kissed him. "You're a freak," he countered fondly. They proceeded to pull off a pretty good imitation of what they had done the day before, only with a bit more finesse and --

"RIKU!"

"SORA!"

Riku and Sora instantly broke apart, each a bit spitty and each hosting the 'OH MY GOD NO' look on their face.

"MOM!" Riku yelled. "DAD!"

Sora freaked out and spazzed Riku off of him, trying his best to look like he was not just sucking a rather impressive hickey into his best friend's collarbone. "MOM? DAD!"

Riku's mother and father stared at them in horror. His mother, who had been holding a "Get well, son!" balloon, had let go of it in shock. It drifted sadly down the hallway, unaware of the situation. They continued to stare, horrified and silent and shocked.

Sora's parents, on the other hand, burst into action. His father dropped the nice vase of flowers brought presumably to liven up the hospital room, scattering glass and daisies all over the floor. His mother -- he didn't even see her move, actually, launching herself forward to grab her son by the ear and drag him forcefully from under Riku.

"Mom!" He yelled, protesting and feeling extremely sick, like a first grader being sent to the principal for the first time. "What are you doing here!"

"That's what I'd like to ask you, young man!" his father boomed, face red and eyes wide. "We came to wish Riku a happy recovery --"

His mother cut in, voice shrill and angry. "You never said he was your boyfriend!"

"He's not --" Sora tried, but was overwhelmed by the panicking adults.

"My son's gay!" Sora's dad freaked. "I should have known, with all the fancy Shell Harness posters --"

"SOUL HARVEST!" Sora corrected, trying to evade his mother's grasp.

"Sora!" Riku tried, reaching out for his friend.

"Be quiet, young man!" Riku's mother admonished, shooting him an angry glare. "We have a lot of talking to do. About your gayness."

Riku panicked. "I'm not gay! We were just making out!"

Riku's father looked like he was on the verge of crying. "I wanted grandchildren, son."

"All this time you said you were best friends!" Sora's father added, arms flailing. "You've been lying to your mother and I for years!"

Sora and Riku looked at each other, panicking.

"I even brought muffins for us all to eat." Riku's mother said mournfully. Sora's mother patted her on the arm, sympathetic. "But I'm too disappointed to even eat a crumb."

"Yes, I'm disappointed too," the other three parents echoed in unison, and suddenly Sora felt like crying, because disappointment is a hell of a lot worse than real anger in the long run. He also wanted to cry because Riku looked like he wanted to cry, and Sora always cried when other people cried. It wasn't something he could help, like some horrible reflex.

"Can we explain ourselves?" Riku asked meekly, cowering under the collective glaring from the disappointed parents.

Riku's mother shook her head. "We've had enough for one day, young man."

His father put a hand on his wife's shoulder, frowning deeply and looking authoritative. "Son, I think you should know we are both very unhappy with you. I don't think you should see Sora anymore, not after this." He desperately clung to his dream of healthy, numerous grandchildren.

Sora freaked out. "What! No! Riku! You can't-"

Sora's father clamped a hand onto Sora's shoulder. "I think it's a good idea, son. You two cannot be trusted together."

"We're seventeen, not ten! We weren't doing anything wrong!" Riku argued, voice cracking at the unfairness of it all.

"I don't want to hear it," his mother snapped.

Sora's parents each latched onto one of their son's arms each, predicting his attempted flight toward Riku. He flailed helplessly. "We'll be taking our leave," Sora's mother said to Riku's parents, looking stern. "I'm sorry about our gay son and your muffins."

"We'll keep in touch," Riku's mother promised, refusing to look at either Riku or Sora. Sora was then bodily dragged from the room by his parents, protesting greatly and flailing around mightily.

"Mom! Dad! Stop this! This is crazy! Riku! Riku! Tell them!"

"This is crazy!" Riku shouted, having himself from his bed and gimping quickly after Sora's retreating form, reaching for him desperately.

"Get back in bed, young man," his father commanded, halting Riku's sad, cast-impeded progress.

"This is gay! Sora!" Riku yelled, watching Sora disappear with a weird feeling of longing. "Mom! Dad! What the hell? THIS IS SO GAY!"

Riku's mother looked sadly at him. "No, son, this is not gay. You are."

Riku was forced back into bed, eyes tearing up and fists shaking, furious.

"We'll come to get you in the morning," his father said, almost cold. "I hope you think about what you've done." His mother nodded and they both left the room, leaving nothing but a broken vase and a tin of muffins to show what had just happened in the small hospital room.

Riku banged his head into his pillow.

* * *

It was a slow day at BurgerMart. The only customers in the restaurant were a small gang of toddlers being shepherded by a weary looking mother-type. One kid drew a ketchup smiley face on the table. Axel sighed. He would have to clean that up later. One kid chucked a mustard-covered French fry on the floor and proceeded to smoosh it into the tiles with glee. The mother lit a cigarette and looked bored.

Axel tapped his fingers on the counter, also bored. He ducked a well aimed chicken nugget that was flung from a food fight initiated in the gaggle of kids.

A bell tinkled, and a kid aimed a piece of hamburger at the person entering. It hit the boy in the side of the face, leaving a sticky ketchup mark before falling to the floor for Axel to sweep up later.

"Roxas!" Axel said in glee.

"Roxas!" a kid mimicked obnoxiously, making its siblings laugh.

Roxas walked toward the counter, eyeing the small circus of children warily, prepared to fend off any food chucked his way. When none came, he turned to Axel. "Hey," he greeted nonchalantly, eyeing the menu board with reverence.

Axel grinned his 'I'm looking at Roxas I'm looking at Roxas' smile, an unconscious gesture that made him look pretty dopey. "Just to let you know, we now have slushies." He informed Roxas, pointing at the big, shiny new slushie machine whirring away in the corner.

"I like slushies," Roxas said slowly, his meal decisions slowing his brain a bit. Did he want to try a slushie? Would it go well with a few cheeseburgers? Or should he stick with a pop? Deciding to be a bit dangerous, Roxas nodded to himself. "I'll take a large grape slushie, three double Martburgers with extra cheese, and a small fry."

Axel typed up his order. "A small fry?"

"I'm not that hungry," Roxas explained, shrugging.

Axel wrangled up his order, all the while plotting to himself. How should he give Roxas the tickets? They felt like they weighed a thousand pounds in his pockets -- he had to give them to him now or else he'd go crazy. Should he slip them on his tray? No, Roxas might eat them on accident. Should he just hand them to him? Should he --

"Here's your food." Axel announced, brain working overtime. He frowned. "You've got something behind your ear."

Roxas took his tray. "No I don't." No, he didn't. He just took a shower and had made extra sure to get behind his ears. Axel was stupid.

Axel leaned forward on the counter, some hair rogueishly escaping the brim of his visor to fall in his face, contrasting darkly against the twinkle in his eye. Roxas felt alarmed. No one's eyes should twinkle!

"Just trust me. Come here." Axel ordered, delighted when Roxas actually took a step toward him, frowning doubtfully. "It's just a little something back there. Let me get it." He reached forward quickly, brushing his fingers around Roxas' ear, the smaller boy's breath hitching.

"THEY'RE GONNA KIIIISS!" some little kid yelled in a sing song.

Axel pulled back, a piece of paper in his hand. "See? Told you something was behind your ear."

Roxas huffed. "That's the oldest trick in the book," he grouched, reaching for the paper Axel was dangling before him, eyes still twinkling freakishly. It eluded his grasp, but after he put a little effort into it he was able to snag it from the other boy's fingers. He smiled in triumph.

Roxas gaped.

"You like it?" Axel asked sweetly, waiting for a reaction from Roxas.

Roxas sucked in a breath, eyes flicking from the ticket to Axel then back. "These were impossible to get."

Axel shrugged. "Tell me about it."

"Why? Why are you doing this?" Roxas asked slowly, staring at the ticket in awe, then regarding Axel like he must have gone crazy or something. "Why --"

"I like you." Axel said honestly, feeling fuzzy. "And I want to know if you'll go on a date with me." PLEASE SAY YES ROXAS, he pleaded mentally. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Roxas looked dumbstruck. "A date?"

Axel nodded. "Yeah. Just a little one."

"A date," Roxas said, staring at Axel in a confused manner.

Axel nodded. "How about you eat and think it over. I get off in half an hour -- we can talk about it over dinner or something."

Roxas nodded slowly, not really comprehending. Dude. SOUL HARVEST TICKET. His mind was a whirlwind. Should Harvest. He took his tray and walked to a table far from the loud, annoying toddlers. Axel watched him sit with googly eyes.

"If you love him so much why don't you MARRY HIIIIM!" some kid yelled.

Axel snorted and Roxas choked on his burger.

* * *

AN: You may be wondering if this thing has a plot. It does. And it will emerge in the next few chapters. Or so. Maybe ten chapters or so. Maybe. Damn. Either way, I think I have some sort of direction with this. I HOPE AH THE FIC SHIP HAS GONE CRAZY. It is out of my control! -sob-

NEXT TIME: Axel treats Roxas to a movie and Cloud orders pizza.


	12. Chapter 12

AN: OMG ALMOST A WEEK SINCE MY LAST POST. SO SO SO SORRY. I will explain later. BUT STILL I AM SORRY TO THE EXTREME. 

Anyway.

Thank you all for the crazily huge amounts of feedback. Not to mention the quality of the feedback. PARAGRAPHS! I LOVE REVIEWS THAT HAVE PARAGRAPHS! LIKE LITTLE MINI-STORIES! I sit and read them in awe. So helpful.

Haha, poor Cloud. Everyone wants you to be sexed up. That makes me laugh. You guys rock. Keep whoring Cloud out, guys.

Hm, this chapter lacks many things. Like Sora and Riku and meaning. BUT THAT'S OKAY. IT'S ALL YOU'RE GETTING FOR NOW HAHAHAHAHA. -sob- I fail.

Anyway, enjoy, me hearties! Arrrrrr.

* * *

Chapter Twelve

* * *

"You want to take me on a date?" Roxas asked disbelievingly, staring at Axel with wide-eyed incomprehension. "Like, a date-date?" Obviously, his food stupor had worn off in the time it had taken Axel to finish up his work and he was able to think clearly again. What was not clear was why Axel was asking him out on a date. And giving him tickets to the most awesome band ever to exist in the whole history of the entire universe. Maybe even the whole galaxy. Roxas frowned. Wait. Which was bigger, a galaxy or a universe? Either way, Soul Harvest was damn cool.

Axel shrugged, peeling off his apron and taking a seat across from Roxas. "Yes," he answered. He figured if he kept his answers short and concise he wouldn't make an ass out of himself. What he really wanted to say was, "Roxas, I want to take you on a date and hold your hand and buy you flowers and feed you chocolate and kiss you goodnight. Or you could kiss me goodnight. Or we could skip all of the above and make sweet, sweet love until we pass out in exhaustion. Then do it again! After we un-pass out. Yeah."

Yeah, even in his head that didn't sound too smooth. Stick with the 'yes', ol' boy.

After Roxas stared at Axel for a full minute in what could have been confusion or an abrupt sitting-coma Axel felt the need to elaborate. "Like, we could go to the movies. I would buy you candy." He tacked on that last part in hopes that if Axel himself wasn't enough to get Roxas to date him then food would be.

Roxas kept staring. "Dude," he uttered, eyes fixed on Axel.

Axel freaked. This was not going well if Roxas wasn't going to answer with a "Yes, I would love to go out on a date with you, you loveable pile of man." He made some extreme hand motions. "I mean, if you don't like the movies, then that's okay too. We could go for a walk. Or just make out, even, if you're that kind of --"

"Shut up," Roxas ordered. Axel did. "Your ear is gone." Was it just a trick of the light?

Axel frowned and unconsciously engaged Roxas in a game of footsies. Roxas sighed. "Stop that. I was being serious." He peered curiously at Axel's ear, which he could have sworn had just not been there. Maybe there was something in the burgers, like LSD, to keep you addicted. Maybe it was screwing up his head. Maybe he needed glasses. He hoped not. He looked like a nerd in glasses.

Axel stopped, unhappy. "You're just trying to stall," he accused, reaching up to feel his ear. He tugged on it experimentally. Yep. It was there. "Listen, I-"

"I'll go to the movies," Roxas interrupted, standing up and brushing a stray French fry from his lap. He watched it fall to the floor with a twinge of regret. He glanced up to see Axel lit up like a Christmas tree, only with less presents and more hormones. Roxas wanted to go home, really, but for some reason didn't want to hurt Axel's feelings. Most likely because he had to power to retract the Soul Harvest ticket from his possession. "But only because I have nothing else to do tonight."

Axel stood up, unable to stop smiling retardedly. "That's fine," he answered enthusiastically. "When are you free?" If he had a date with Roxas, there was no way he was going in BurgerMart clothes. Unless the burger-y smell turned Roxas on or something. Hell, he would wear a strip of duct tape if it turned Roxas on, even if it did mean a few pulled hairs in uncomfortable places. It was a sacrifice he was more than willing to make.

Roxas left the table, walking towards the door with Axel in tow. "I guess whenever you're ready." He answered simply, zipping up his little sweater as they walked outside into the crisp fall air. "I mean, I probably need to take a shower and stuff. So at least an hour." What did someone wear on a date, anyway? Tight jeans? Lip gloss? Fancy underwear? He didn't have fancy underwear. He had some cute cartoon underwear, but they weren't very sexy. Wait -- why did he care? Not like Axel would be seeing his underwear. Maybe he should bring a tazer.

"I'll grab you at nine, then," Axel decided, also wondering what to wear. He could probably borrow sexy underwear from Cloud, but for all he knew they were probably laced with extreme depressants or hormone-killing drugs, seeing as the man had the libido of a neutered dog. "Can I walk you home?"

Roxas looked up at him, frowning. "But you need to go get ready," he waffled. That, and Axel somehow managed to cop a feel every time he walked Roxas home. Who knew what the guy had planned? "For our friendly date." It somehow felt less romantic if he put 'friendly' in front of it, less like he was agreeing to something that would end up with Axel trying to ram his tongue down his throat. Why the hell was he doing this again?

SOUL HARVEST IS AWESOME THAT'S WHY his mind answered helpfully. AND MAYBE YOU COULD GET SEPHIROTH TO SIGN YOUR STOMACH OR SOMETHING COOL OMIGOD SOUL HARVEST.

With a feeling of disappointment (now he was going to have to wait to ram his tongue down Roxas' throat), Axel decided to accept Roxas' declination. "See you at nine, then." He said, watching Roxas turn to walk from him. Nine. That was two hours without seeing Roxas. "Wait! I forgot to give you something!"

Roxas turned around, looking annoyed. "What is it?" he snapped. Man, wasn't a date enough?

Axel smiled. "This." He swooped down and gave Roxas a peck on the cheek, a thoroughly chaste affair that turned Roxas into a living tomato-man. Axel stepped back quickly in case Roxas felt the need to amend his face with his fist, but the blow never came.

"Freak," Roxas muttered, hunching his shoulders in a surly manner that promised physical pain if Axel tried that again.

Axel thought surly was quite an adorable look for Roxas, but then again every look was an adorable look for Roxas so perhaps Axel wasn't the best judge of which look suited Roxas best. "See you at nine," he said gleefully, turning to walk away jauntily. Today was the best day ever. Whoo! Date with Roxas.

"Yeah," Roxas said lowly, unheard by Axel. "I'm just dying for nine to roll around." He turned and began his trek home, feeling both morose at the fact that he was about to have a (FRIENDLY) date with a guy and a bit excited that he was going to have a date in general. Even if it was friendly.

On the way home he thought deeply on what pair of underwear to wear.

* * *

"Ha ha ha!" Cloud said happily, putting a little plastic building on a game board. "I own a hotel."

Tidus frowned over a slice of pizza, eyeing the board unhappily. "I don't understand how you managed to buy Park Place /and/ Boardwalk in one roll," he said suspiciously, tonguing at a sliver of pepperoni that was caught between his teeth. He looked at his own pieces of real estate. Water Works. His little pawn sat unhappily in jail, waiting its turn. How the hell was this guy so good at Monopoly? It was like he spent all of his spare time playing board games, or something.

Cloud nibbled lightly on a breadstick. "Your turn."

Tidus 'hmph'ed. "I'm in jail. Your turn."

Cloud rolled the dice jovially. He bought a railroad. "Okay, your turn now," he said, oblivious to his utter ownage of the board space.

Tidus took the die thoughtfully. He rolled and landed on a chance card, his little equestrian game piece glittering prettily as he took his destiny from the stack of cards. This was it. This was where he came back to whip Cloud's sorry little ass into --

"Jail," he read in utter disbelief. "Fucking go to jail."

Cloud blinked. "You've been in jail eighteen out of nineteen turns. Ha ha ha!" He delved for another breadstick, crinkling the bag they came in as his hand meandered about in search of the stick-shaped goodness. He dipped it copiously in the little tub of garlic butter that had accompanied his order.

There was a knock on the door then, making Cloud spill his breadstick over the front of his shirt in surprise. Tidus took the chance to steal a few hundred Monopoly bills from the bank.

"Who is it?" Cloud shouted, wiping unhappily at the large, garlicky grease stains decorating his shirt. He licked at one on his shoulder, futile. Tidus reached over and stole the breadstick from his lap and ate it subtly. It tasted like butter and Cloud's pants, which were kind of linty and lent a fuzzy quality to the breadstick that wasn't that unpleasant, on the whole.

Another knock. "I forgot my key!" an Axel voice yelled in a muffled tone. "And I need to borrow sexy underwear!"

Tidus coughed and leered at the same time, which was good for him because Cloud just thought he was choking on pizza instead on leaning to check to see if any type of sexy underwear were peeking from Cloud's jeans. There weren't.

Cloud blinked. "I don't have any sexy underwear!" He did, actually, but he had bought them on accident and had hid them in the deepest recesses of his closet in a failed attempt to forget their existence. They were lacy and black and padded in a very embarrassing place.

"Okay," Axel yelled.

Cloud began to roll the die, wondering where his breadstick had gone when there was another loud knock. He felt vaguely annoyed. "What?"

"Can you let me in?"

Really, Axel was such a pain-in-the-ass roommate, what with all of the talking and breathing and taking up space that he did. Cloud sighed in a put-upon fashion and stood up to get the door, unaware of Tidus staring at the hem of his pants for any signs of dippage that would expose sexy underwear. There was no dippage, thusly no sexy underwear.

"Thanks," Axel greeted as Cloud opened the door. "Hey --" He froze like a hamster exposed to liquid nitrogen, face contorted in horror and surprise.

There was silence for a few moments, in which Tidus was busy pilfering large lump sums of cash from the unguarded MonopoBank and eating extreme amounts of pizza.

Cloud hugged himself and shuffled his feet. Either Axel was having a standing, unmoving seizure or he had something on his face -- either way he didn't like the way Axel was staring at him, eyes wide and almost frightened. "Aren't you going to come in or what?" he muttered, standing aside so the doorway was clear.

"You were just smiling," Axel said in utter disbelief.

Cloud felt affronted. "I was not," He replied unhappily.

"You're doing it right now!" Axel pointed out, index finger directed accusingly at Cloud's exposed pearly whites. "Smiling!" Cloud had never smiled in all the months they had been roommates. Wait -- he had, when Axel had accidentally electrocuted himself with the defunct toaster, but that could have been a trick of the light. Or a trick of the thousand Volts that had been whizzing through his system. It didn't count, wither way.

"Just get inside," Cloud growled, getting irritated with the situation and stalking into the apartment. Axel followed him slowly, sliding off his jacket.

Tidus waved from the table. "I'm Tidus," he said brightly through a mouthful of food. Cloud looked at the game board thoughtfully -- hadn't he owned Park Place? Why did Tidus own two hotels on it? Huh.

Axel waved in a hesitant fashion. "I didn't expect you to have company," he said, glancing at Cloud.

"I was hungry," Cloud replied.

"Hungry?" Axel repeated, unbelieving. He couldn't remember ever seeing Cloud eat, either -- wait. Was he hungry . . . for love? Had he interrupted some weird romantic interlude?

Tidus broke these delusional thoughts with a loud burp. "Mm, good pizza," he said happily, rubbing his stomach in a satisfactory manner. Cloud seated himself and proceeded to roll the awaiting dice, snatching away the last piece of pizza before Tidus could inhale it.

"You don't even like pizza!" Tidus whined, sulking.

"I do now." Cloud responded shortly, eyeing the 'GO' square in a predatory manner. There had to be some way to buy it. He picked the pepperoni off of his slice of pizza and gave it to Tidus, who grinned in delight.

Axel, unnoticed, walked into his room and shut the door.

* * *

It was not an easy decision to make.

"Wear me," The black t-shirt demanded, lying on the bed in a provocative manner, teasing Axel. "I'm tight and slinky and have a cool skull design. Roxas will be amazed and won't be able to resist your punkish style. Look, I even have a few sad lyrics printed on me. Roxas will want to soothe your emo worries away for sure."

The green shirt huffed in indignation, calling for Axel's undivided attention. "Axel. Come on, pal. You know me. If you wear me Roxas won't be able to ignore how bright your eyes are. I /enhance/. I don't have to be slutty and punk rock to make you look damn fine. Look at my cool star." It flashed the cool yellow star that was emblazoned flashily on its chest proudly. "Stars are cooler than skulls."

"Skulls are deep and meaningful," black shirt argued. "Stars are stupid and ADD. Do you want Roxas to think you're ADD? Or do you want Roxas to see how deep and emotional you are? Don't you want to prove your love?"

"The black shirt has a grease stain," the green shirt said in a snide tone. "How tacky and gross."

"But Roxas likes grease," Axel pointed out to the green shirt, which wrinkled in protest. "That might help my case."

"Grease and a skull!" the black shirt crowed in triumph, sensing its upcoming victory. "You should wear me with that cool wristband. You know. The cool one."

Axel shrugged and pulled the black shirt over his head, ignoring the defeated cries of its green enemy. It was a bit of a tight fit, and upon inspection it /did/ have a grease stain, but not that big of one. The skull smiled up at him triumphantly. It had a tear running down its cheek, obviously conveying some deep emotion. Axel didn't car as long as he looked sexy. He glanced in the mirror. He did.

"You look sexy," he told himself, grinning foxily at his reflection. His reflection grinned right back, green eyes sparkling in what Axel hoped was an invitingly tempting manner. A loose wisp of hair poked him in the eye, making it water in an uninviting manner. He frowned and clipped it back with a bobby pin. Haha, take that, mane.

Axel checked his cell phone, quite ready to go on an extremely awesome date.

"Seven fifty five," his cell phone said in glowing numbers, the cute little heart background flashing up at him annoyingly. He wished he had a cooler background, like a snake or something. Something manly. Not cute, lacy hearts.

Axel attempted to play the waiting game for a while, a process that involved much jiggling of his leg and many glances in the mirror. He applied a little foundation to hide a pimple. He put on a little chap stick in case his lips got dry from an extreme make-out session. He put on more deodorant.

After all that, it was still only eight.

"Argh!" Axel said intelligently. He paced a bit. How could he wait knowing he had a date with Roxas?

* * *

"It's only eight thirty," Roxas said in an annoyed tone, peeking out at Axel from behind his front door. "I'm not ready."

Axel smiled helplessly from Roxas' front porch, teeth glinting shiny white in the dark (he had brushed them no less then four times in anticipation of the date). "My watch was off," he lied, shrugging. He tried to peer around to door at Roxas, but his efforts were in vain. "Can I come in?"

Roxas shut the door to a mere crack, glaring out from it. "No, you may not come in," he said grumpily, shifting uncomfortably at Axel's hopeful expression. "I'm in a towel." And you're a sexual deviant, he added mentally. He tugged the towel tighter, about to close the door and just let Axel wait until he was ready.

"But I brought you flowers!" Axel blurted, pulling them out from behind his back with a slight flourish. He winced as a thorn dug into his finger, hoping he didn't start bleeding all over Roxas' porch. That would be a sucky way to start off their date. The door opened a bit wider -- and oh, Roxas really wasn't ready. Unless he was going to wear a towel. Which was totally cool with Axel. Easy access and easy clean up, haha.

Wow, he couldn't believe he had just thought that. Bad Axel.

Roxas stared at the bouquet of flowers in a confused manner, eyebrows squinching together perplexedly. "For me?"

Axel nodded and bled on Roxas' porch.

Roxas reached out and took the flowers, one hand supporting his flimsy towel. "Hey," he said unhappily. Axel looked up from where he had been staring, eyes glazed over in a happy sort of manner. "Don't stare at me like that." Axel had been staring at the general vicinity of his chest like it was a vat of melted chocolate. Which it wasn't, by the way.

"Sorry," Axel amended, wiping his finger on his pants in a secretive manner. "I guess I'll just wait here, then." Maybe he could peek in through a window or something. Or do crunches or something equally productive.

Roxas sighed. "No, you can come in and wait." Axel's eyes flashed like a fifty mega-Watt light bulb. Roxas increased his grip on his towel. "But only if your behanve yourself. And by that I mean no . . . funny business." Like pouncing on him and kissing him or something otherwise homosexually deviant. He could save that for the da-- Woah. No. This was a friendly date. There would be no funny business. Just friendly things, like eating popcorn and holding hands and --

Roxas decided to stop there. Even his thoughts were against him! He stepped aside and let Axel in, quite aware of the chill night air sending goosebumps over his naked torso. If Axel said one freaking word about his nipples --

"Nice house!" Axel announced, seating himself comfortably on Roxas' couch and watching Roxas intently. "I'll wait here, if you want, while you slip into something more comfortable." He grinned pervertedly. Roxas frowned and threw a handy remote control at his face, missing the target but not by much. Axel moaned and rubbed at his shoulder.

"I'll be back in a moment," Roxas said coldly, turning his back to Axel and making way towards a hallway. "Don't touch anything. Don't lick anything. Don't spy on me. Just stay there." He set the bouquet on a nearby table, careful not to smush the flowers.

Axel nodded and folded his hands obediently, almost wanting to lick the couch just to get a rise out of Roxas but choosing not to in face of losing the date. Roxas left him with one last suspicious glance, hands still clenched at his towel.

Axel smiled and stared at his butt until he was out of sight.

Roxas couldn't help but feel this whole date thing was a huge mistake waiting to happen.

It took less then two minutes for Roxas to get ready -- he had gotten his clothes ready before he took his shower, not really thinking about it. Nothing fancy, just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and his favorite red shoes, his lucky wristband thrown on for good luck (and style, of course -- wristbands were cool). He had settled on wearing a normal pair of underwear, deciding that first date etiquette dictated that no one should see anyone else's underwear on the first outing. Even if it was a friendly, platonic outing. Yeah.

He stood for a moment, basking in strange indecision. Maybe tightie whities weren't the way to go. Even if Axel wasn't going to see them, they were still pretty geeky. He bit his lip. Would it kill him to wear a slightly cooler pair of undies?

A minute later Roxas emerged from his room, clad in his t-shirt and jeans (and a cool pair of silky black boxers -- for his own knowledge, of course). Axel was right were he had left him -- sitting on the couch and looking remarkably innocent, having not yet noticed Roxas' presence. He yawned and twiddled his thumbs. Roxas, in a moment of startling gayness, thought he looked adorable. He knew he shouldn't have worn the underwear. Now look what he was thinking!

"I'm ready," Roxas announced in a ruffled tone, making Axel jump a bit. "Unless you've changed your mind."

Axel stood up, eyeing Roxas appreciatively. Were those silky black boxers he spied peeking above Roxas' jeans? Score! "I've been ready," he answered warmly, making his way to the front door and opening it in a gentlemanly manner. "You look great."

Roxas blushed in a totally friendly, platonic, inexplicable manner. This date thing was doing something funny to him -- he was really nervous all of a sudden, like the moment he walked out the door something would change forever. Like, maybe he would grow a third leg or die of insta-cancer or become a slug. "Thanks," he murmured, taking a breath and stepping past Axel. (Who smelled good, actually, like fresh deodorant and toothpaste, nothing at all like hamburgers. But good. Why did he smell so damn good?)

Nothing happened when he stepped outside. Roxas still had two legs and was still alive and not a slug. Weird. But something still felt off, he just couldn't place it --

"Roxas?"

Roxas broke out of his 'Let me stand and stare at the ground in a daze while I try to place what feels weird about this situation' daze to see Axel before him, arm extended in a hopeful manner. What? Yes, Axel, you have an arm, good job --

Oh. He wanted Roxas to take it. The blush attacked Roxas full force and the butterflies flung themselves crazily around in the pit of his stomach, making him queasy. "I . . . uh," he stammered, trying to think of a reason why he should not take Axel's arm. He couldn't. He frowned and slipped his arm into Axel's, face on metaphorical fire.

"And we're off," Axel murmured happily as the two set off, feeling like he had just won not only a million dollars but also a new car, a new house and a litter of fuzzy puppies. Roxas still couldn't think of a reason why they should not be holding . . . arms -- now hands, too -- as they walked, but was still failing miserably.

And thus began their first date.

* * *

AN: I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. This week has been nuts. I've had to work crazy hours and clean my room and work on my cosplay costume. It's pretty hectic. I can't help but feel that this chapter is pretty lame, and I have to apologize for that. You can't force these things. I was going to make it longer but I figured this would be enough to tide me over until I felt true inspiration to write. TRUE INSPIRATION I SAY. This week has just been unfunny to the max.

By the way, is anyone reading this going to Ikasucon? JUST WONDERING. HAHA.

I WILL NOW WORK ON THE NEXT CHAPTER, ME HEARTIES. I AM SORRY IF I, THE CAPTIAN OF THIS STORY SHIP, HAVE LET YOU DOWN. -sails into the sea of NEXT CHAPTERNESS- ARRRRRRR.


	13. Chapter 13

AN: This chapter almost feels like a bit of a side story. I have never really written any... 'unf unf' action before, if you know what I mean, so take this chapter with a grain of THOUGHTFUL CONSIDERATION. :D Unf! 

So anyway, I have a bit of an offer to make. Seeing as the review count is steadily going towards the big five-oh-oh, I decided to do something moderately... conventional. Not as a bribe, but as a 'THANK YOU FOR REVEIWING GUYS' deal. Whoever is the five hundreth reviewer can request a side story. It can be any kind, really, but again, will be seperate from the real story. Thusly, it is a side story. :D A short thing, but hey, I thought it was a cool idea. Whoo!

Anyway.

Enjoy, me hearties! Arrrrr.

* * *

Chapter Thirteen

* * *

It was a ten minute walk to the movies, a time period in which Roxas had to fend off against at least three attempted make-out sessions. ("Come on," Axel had plead. "Just a little one for the road? An itty kiss? A bitty one?" Roxas had punched him.) And he had undergone quite a lot of subtle groping. He wished he had brought a tazer -- either that or he had some kind of cool mutant needle-growing power that would enable him to skewer Axel's wandering hands. His butt was not a stress ball and did not appreciate being squeezed.

"We're here!" Axel announced to Roxas, who was deep in thought of how to keep Axel from getting too fresh with him. Maybe he could buy an uber-large tub of popcorn -- that way his mouth would be constantly occupied and unable to engage in a kiss-o-rama. Ha. Genius! "So. What movie do you want to see?"

They both took a moment to peer at the movie list that was posted outside of the cinema, still holding hands, much to Roxas' disdain. His hands were all sweaty and if Axel kept stroking his fingers with his thumb he would chafe and bleed everywhere.

After a moment, Roxas realized something was horribly wrong.

"You've got to be kidding me," Roxas said lowly, eyes searching the movie board frantically. This was a nightmare.

Axel stared at the movie selections in awe. The Sexy Uncle. The Promiscuous Prom Night. The Lolita Complex 4. My Best Friend is a Hooker. Pirates of the Sexual Islands: The Hot Woman's Chest. Hollywood sure was raunchy these days. "I heard that the hooker one is pretty moving," he suggested, shrugging and squinting at the titles. "But then again that pirate one is supposed to have a lot of cool shirtless fighting scenes." Decisions, decisions. Hey, maybe Roxas would fight shirtless with him one day. Mm.

Roxas freaked. There was no way he was going to see any kind of sexy movie with Axel -- like the guy needed any more ideas, anyway! Roxas was embarrassed enough when he had to watch some weird raunchy scene with his parents in the room. (Family night had never been the same after his father had accidentally rented that porno, though Roxas could understand. The Fast and the Furious(ly Raunchy Encounters of the Dominatrix Pirate Vixens) was a highly misleading title.) He couldn't imagine having to endure some hot and sweaty naked sex scene with Axel sitting right there, probably thinking about some hot and sweaty sex scene with Roxas as the costar and himself as the lead. Uh.

There had to be some un-sexy movie. There /had/ to be.

"Hey, what about that one?" Roxas said quickly, pointing to an obscured title in the corner. "The Night of the Dead? Sounds scary." He hated horror movies and had once peed himself at one, but fearful urination was better than ejaculation anytime. (Well, at least with Axel. In the movies. Eating a bag of roaches was better than getting hot and sweaty in the midst of a theater full of people.)

Axel frowned and leaned closer to the board. "I think there's a word in between 'the' and 'dead'," he observed.

Roxas wasn't having it. "I love scary movies," he lied, pulling on Axel's hand. "Please?" Against his own honor and will, he whipped up the biggest pair of puppy-dog eyes he could muster, determined on the movie selection.

Axel made the mistake of looking down at Roxas and instantly fell prey to the cutest expression ever known to mankind. He let the subject drop (even though there was a word in that title he couldn't read -- there was a piece of tape or gum blurring it out or something) and let Roxas lead him into the theater, smirk unseen by Axel, who was still pretty much floored by Roxas' extremely effective use of the puppy eyes. They waited for a few minutes in line, in which Roxas took to watching people pouring butter over popcorn and Axel took to observing Roxas being cute.

"Can I help you?" The ticket girl broke them out of their separate reveries, Axel barely containing his Roxas-lust and Roxas barely containing his popcorn-lust. He briefly wondered if there were free refills on the snacks. That would be awesome.

"Yeah," Axel uttered, letting Roxas' hand loose so he could get at his wallet. "Um, can I have two tickets for The Night of the Dead?" He pulled out a few crisp bills and slid them onto the counter, kind of wishing he was still holding Roxas' small hand. It was so warm and soft, even if Roxas had taken to gouging at Axel's hands with his nails every now and then.

The girl frowned from behind her desk. "Um, I'm going to have to see some I.D. You have to be at least seventeen to see this film."

"Must be pretty violent and scary," Axel said offhandedly. The girl shrugged. He pulled his I.D. out of his wallet and threw it onto the counter. Roxas did the same, Axel taking a moment to inspect the tiny picture of Roxas on the card. Aw! Roxas was smiling in it!

Roxas blinked at Axel's own I.D. Axel was only one year older than him. Weird. He had assumed he was at least twenty or something, not eighteen. That wasn't fair -- he was only one year older and was at least a foot or so taller. Asshole. Roxas frowned and assured himself that he still had some growing to do. Axel, unknowingly being hated, towered above Roxas happily, pocketing his I.D.

"Here are your tickets," the girl said, tossing the little stubs onto the counter. "Enjoy your show."

"Thanks," Axel replied, grabbing Roxas' hand again. "We will."

* * *

Axel didn't let go of Roxas' hand until they were seated (which was quite a feat, considering that their hands, including the conjoined ones, were full with candy and popcorn). Roxas suspected that maybe Axel had a fetish for holding hands. The idea scared him. He wiped his hand off onto his pants just in case.

"I love the movies," Axel said happily, eating a handful of popcorn and watching people file into seats. It was at least ten minutes until the film started -- Roxas didn't even bother watching the lame previews that were showing. He winced as his shoe caught on something sticky on the ground. He hoped it wasn't gum. These were his favorite shoes.

"Yeah. I like movies," Roxas replied vaguely, inhaling a handful of Skittles. Axel took one and ate it, earning him a glare from Roxas. Dude, they were his Skittles, not Axel's. Even is Axel did buy them. He should have at least asked. Roxas shoved the bag between his thighs, figuring they were pretty well-hidden there. Unless Axel was bold enough to let his hands wander, in which case Roxas was packing up the snacks and leaving.

After a while, Axel became pretty bored. Roxas seemed pretty content with his candy, eating little pieces every now and then with evident delight. The previews felt like they would never end. In front of them, a couple began to snuggle. Axel felt jealous.

"Wanna snuggle?" he murmured, feeling particularly brave. Roxas stared at him, mid-chew. Axel felt stupid and almost took it back -- like Roxas would willingly snuggle with him, sure. Nice try, loverboy. He should have brought a pillow to hug or something to squeeze.

Roxas swallowed his mouthful of popcorn, staring at Axel incredulously. Snuggle? What the hell? Snuggling was what you did with your girlfriend, not that he had ever had one, and certainly was not something you did with the touchy-feely fast-food worker who had a penchant for looking at you like he could see through your clothes. Roxas opened his mouth to respond in the negatory --

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE ZOMBIE IS EATING ME ALIIIIIIIVE!" a poor girl yelled from a movie preview, her leg being gnawed off in a bloody, horrible way. Roxas squealed and flailed before latching onto something soft and warm and secure and non-zombie. He really did hate scary movies.

Axel blinked and blushed brightly, suddenly finding himself possessing an armful of quivering Roxas-body. He hadn't expected the kid to really take him up on his snuggle-offer, but he wasn't complaining. He patted the nest of blonde hair pressed into his side and smiled warmly, popping some nachos into his mouth contentedly. This was pretty convenient -- now he wouldn't have to use the old yawn-and-reach method to get an arm around Roxas. Score!

After a few moments of non-zombie-induced-screaming, Roxas felt the courage to raise his head and unclamp himself from Axel. Hopefully the guy didn't take his desperate, frightened clinging the wrong way -- there was no kind of sexual desire whatsoever in Roxas' frantic throwing-of-himself-onto-Axel's-being, just pure self preservation. He frowned when he tried to move away, finding himself securely fastened to Axel's side by one arm slung casually (if not a bit tightly) around his middle. How did that get there? It must have been some weird date trick or something.

"You can let go of me," Roxas informed Axel in a low tone, struggling lightly. He frowned when the theater lights dimmed, sending weird shadows over Axel's face, making his expression hard to see. Roxas was sure, though, that that had been a perverted grin he had seen.

Axel leaned down to Roxas' ear, careful not to disturb the people around them by being loud. Actually, he just wanted to whisper into Roxas' ear, but now that he had a convenient excuse, all the better. "Are you sure? This movie is gonna be pretty scary," he murmured, running his fingers lightly over Roxas' side in what he hoped seemed like a comforting gesture and not a 'Hello, my name is Axel and I desperately want to divest you of your clothes' move.

Again, Roxas was about to say no, but history repeated itself and a horrified scream erupted from the speakers around them, causing him to flinch into Axel's hold. "Just this once," he said defensively, frowning when Axel hugged him tighter, handing him a piece of chocolate. He ate it, feeling much like a dog being given a treat. On the screen a girl was running in a corn field, screaming and running from some monster or something. It wasn't /that/ scary.

Until the girl was suddenly jumped upon by what appeared to be a vicious zombie. It proceeded to --

"What the hell!" Roxas interrobanged in disbelief.

Axel stared at the screen. Wow, that zombie was sure frisky. "Her shirt sure went fast," he murmured, eyes wide. The title appeared on the screen, heralded by the victim-girl's lusty moaning as the zombie man proceed to gnaw on her neck in a very uncannibalistic manner.

The Night of the Sexy Dead.

Roxas' jaw dropped. 'No. No! You have got to be kidding me!' He thought in a horrified manner, face contorted in shock. The one seemingly un-sexy movie was just as sexy as the rest! What the hell did Fate have against him? He felt like screaming, but abstained form the act in fear of obtaining the wrath of the moviegoing audience around them, who was watching the movie in interest. Perverts, all of them!

"I don't want to watch this," Roxas whispered desperately, fighting off a blush as some on-screen action went on that definitely could not be classified as horror in any way, unless one counted to horror he felt at having accidentally chosen a movie that was less of a movie and more of a porno. He looked up just in time to catch an eyeful of jiggling breast. The audience 'ooh'ed. Roxas squinched his eyes shut and leaned into Axel's side with a humiliated groan.

Axel swallowed loudly. "Roxas, you don't have to watch the movie," he said softly, wrapping Roxas tighter up in his one-armed snuggle. Okay, so perhaps this wasn't the best of places to make a move on Roxas, sure. The frequent sex noises from the movie created a less-than-perfect romantic atmosphere, to be sure, but Axel really couldn't help himself, not with the way Roxas was so close, clinging to him . . . . Crap. He took a breath and hoped for the best. "We could, um, do something . . . else."

Roxas looked up, hoping that by 'do something else' Axel meant something like going to get ice cream or going to an arcade or going out to TP Sora's house or something cool. Anything to get him out of this theater was fine with him, really --

Axel hooked a finger under Roxas' chin, effectively shutting down the smaller boy's train of thought. "Can I kiss you?" Axel asked, his stomach doing flips and palms sweating anxiously. Roxas was looking at him in total surprise, his face so close, eyes shining brightly in the light of the questionable movie. Roxas' lips parted and he started to say something, but his words were quickly cut off by Axel. It wasn't as if the scenario wasn't familiar to Roxas -- really, this wasn't the first time Axel had jumped him and attempted to kiss him to death. But . . . .

Axel was making it clear that Roxas could stop the kiss at any time -- his lips were moving so slowly over Roxas' that it was barely a real kiss, more like a physical question. Roxas could stop this. This didn't have to happen.

He discovered something scary then, something infinitely more frightening than any horror movie could ever hope to be.

He didn't /want/ to stop it, and he couldn't understand why. Some familiar part of himself was saying that this wasn't a good idea, but at the same time --

Something else was urging him to let Axel touch him, some weird emotion that he had never felt before. Like it wasn't even his own mind urging him -- but at the same time it was a decision that was entirely his own. Freaky.

So all in all, Roxas felt a little confused (understatement -- he felt like his brain was holding a colossal brain-cell-destroying war over whether he should kiss Axel or not and at the same time felt as if he wasn't the one running his brain at the moment), but decided to go with the flow. After all, his hormones, though they did hold the minority vote, did have a say in the congress of his brain every now and then.

Plus, it wasn't like kissing Axel was /that/ big of a deal. Yeah.

"You can kiss me for a little while," Roxas answered softly, leaning back and breaking contact in hopes that the butterflies in his stomach would stop stampeding long enough for him to catch his breath. He tried to ignore the armrest digging into his side and Axel drew him closer, smiling in a way that made Roxas feel so . . . weird, like he was going to throw up. The feeling intensified as Axel's free hand, a bit oily from the popcorn, smoothed widely over the side of his face, gently cupping his cheek. Roxas hoped the grease didn't clog his pores and give him pimples.

Axel leaned close, eyes slipping shut and mouth parting and looking for all the freaking world like he was one hundred percent prepared to kiss the living daylights out of Roxas. Roxas took a deep breath and ate one last Skittle for good luck.

One minute into it Roxas forgot they were even in a scary . . . sexy movie. It was pretty hard to pay attention to little details like that when you were playing an involved game of tongue tag with someone, and it didn't hurt that Axel tasted a lot like popcorn. Roxas liked popcorn.

Five minutes saw the advent of the "let's bite Roxas' ear and see what he does" technique, which Axel proceeded to test out in earnest. Roxas, for the most part, spent a good few moments wondering how exactly Axel had gone from his mouth to his ear so quickly, but then spent the following moments reveling in the fact that whoooooa, that felt good. Like sticking a fork into an electrical socket, almost, only without the pain and more tongue. And a bit more biting.

Seven minutes had Roxas trying out his own "screw that, I bet I can make you make funny noises in the movies too if I bite you in a sensitive place you damn conniving bastard" move, which pretty much involved Roxas biting Axel's neck until he obtained the desired effect of Axel panting in an embarrassing manner. He felt kind of bad, then, and gave the bitten bit of skin a conciliatory lick. This making out thing wasn't so bad, really, and it didn't require much thought, either. In fact, Roxas was pretty much running on auto-pilot, really, that and the wonderful candy-rush of Skittles.

After a while they returned to good old-fashioned kissing, which was totally fine with Axel. He was in a state of euphoric bliss and couldn't really care less about what they did -- as long as it included Roxas' tongue in his mouth, he was good to go. He whimpered as Roxas paused to eat a handful of popcorn, feeling stupidly envious of the greasy food for a split second. Only a split second, because Roxas kissed him again a split second later. Which was cool. Mm.

Roxas made a noise of surprise when Axel's hands traveled from their nice, non-threatening resting place on his back to a much more alarming position under his t-shirt, just above his hips. Axel squeezed a bit. Roxas made a muffled noise of objection which was nullified when he made another sound of 'do that again'-ness when Axel did a cool fingernail scraping thing on his back.

It occurred to Roxas that if things continued at this pace that Axel might see his sweet silky boxers after all, but the idea was more exciting than frightening now, which was more frightening to him than anything.

Distantly, someone in the audience said something in their direction. It could have been "Do you mind?" or something along those lines, but both Axel and Roxas were a bit too caught up to notice any dissent towards their actions. Axel purred as Roxas tried out the fingernail thing and decided to play the oral equivalent of 'keep away' with a Skittle. Roxas won and ate the Skittle happily.

"EXCUSE ME."

There is a human emotion that is often experienced when one is either falling unexpectedly to one's death or is caught making out heavily in the middle of a crowded movie theater by a figure of authority. Roxas and Axel were of the second group, obviously, their touchy-feely session cut short by one extremely angry-sounding police officer carrying a high powered flashlight. Axel retracted his tongue from Roxas' mouth and slowly turned to regard one highly pissed-off-looking theater security guard. The man scowled and beamed his flash light into Axel's eyes. Axel hissed.

"WHAT DO YOU KIDS THINK YOU'RE DOING?" the man boomed, catching pretty much the attention of the whole movie theater. "WE GOT A COMPLAINT THAT YOU TWO WERE GETTING A LITTLE TOO FRIENDLY AND WERE DISTURBING THE AUDIENCE." By 'we' it was to be assumed that he was referring to the entirety of the security department -- that or he had a major identity complex.

Roxas made a weird choking noise and sank into his seat. Axel opened his mouth the say something, but was once again blinded violently via flashlight.

"I AM GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE." The security man said in a very loud voice, pulling Axel up by the wrist and leading him up the aisle slowly. Axel complied, in a state of stupefied shock. Roxas continued to sink lower into his chair, hoping he could escape notice of the man and proceed to commit quiet suicide. Playing the old wrist violin until the world ceased to stare at him seemed like a good plan of attack.

The man shone to flashlight on Roxas, who looked like he was torn between being about to cry and about to make a run for it. "YOU TOO, MR. SEXUAL DEVIANCY. GET UP AND GET OUT." He gave Axel a push, who turned to look at Roxas in a pitiful, confused manner. The security guard proceeded to make quite a show of pushing and prodding them from the theater, the whole scenario soundtracked by a rather rabid zombie orgy playing out on the screen.

Roxas vowed never, ever to go to the movies ever again.

* * *

"I am never, ever going to the movies ever again." Roxas moaned, slumping onto a bench outside of the theater, hiding his face in his hands. "I wish I were dead."

Axel sighed and plopped down next to him, looking pretty miserable. "I'm sorry," he said helplessly. "It's my fault." He wasn't sorry about the making-out part, but he was pretty sorry that Roxas had been publicly humiliated in front of a movie full of mostly teenage movie goers. Roxas probably knew a bunch of them.

It was highly probable that Roxas would probably never agree on going on another date with him, Axel realized. That thought didn't really improve his mood. He curled his head into his arms, gazing at the sidewalk between his knees. Wow, had he fucked that up majorly. If he hadn't been such a freaking hornball they would still be sitting there, watching the stupid porny movie and eating snacks happily.

Axel felt like crying, but since he was the manly sort he instead settled on a little whimper. "I'm so sorry," he said again in a helpless tone, the dumb skull on his shirt gazing up at him woefully. He sympathized with it and the dumb tear rolling down its bony cheek. It did seem pretty deep and meaningful at the moment. "I'll walk you home now, if you want." After that he would go throw himself of a cliff with spiky rocks at the bottom, but he should make sure Roxas got home safely first.

Roxas leaned back, head thunking on the side of the theater building. He stared at the sky, not really seeing it. It really hadn't been that bad, if you ignored the whole security-guy-catching-them part. In fact, most of it had been . . . okay. He even got snacks. "There's no reason to be sorry," he said slowly, turning his head to regard Axel's forlorn-looking form. "I . . . had a good time, actually."

Axel shot up faster than Roxas' eyes could register, eyes wide and face hopeful. Maybe he wouldn't have to kill himself after all! "Do you really mean that?" he asked in a disbelieving tone, trying his bestest not to stare outright at a rather large hickey on the side of Roxas' neck. Did he do that? Whoa. Was his mouth even that big?

Roxas shrugged. "I guess it wasn't so bad," he waffled, kind of regretting his admittance of his date-enjoyment. Axel might get some weird idea that he liked making out with him or something. Roxas reminded himself that making out led to sex, and sex led to pregnancy, and he was too young -- wait. Something didn't sound right. Making out led to sex, sex led to . . . never mind. That wasn't important. He glanced surreptitiously at a rather vivid bite mark on Axel's jaw and felt oddly turned on. He ignored the feeling to the best of his abilities.

Axel smiled and sat back, folding his hands as to better keep them to himself and not screw anything else up. "So, uh . . . you wanna . . . date, or something?"

Roxas blushed. "Or something, fine. Don't think we're a couple or anything. I don't even like you much."

"I like you a lot," Axel admitted honestly, standing up and brushing a straggling piece of popcorn from his pants. He turned to Roxas, unable to help the grin breaking his face in half. The night was now a complete success, in his opinion. He held his hand out, staring at Roxas' bright red face in total adoration. "Can I walk you home?"

Roxas sighed and stared at Axel's hand for a moment before taking it with a frown. "I guess. Keep your hands to yourself." He let himself be lifted from the bench --

And into a warm hug.

"I thought I said to keep your hands to yourself." He muttered unhappily, arms falling to his sides. Axel still smelled like deodorant and toothpaste, but smelled a little bit more . . . human up close, like skin and shampoo. Roxas puffed a piece of spiky red hair from his face and let himself relax a little bit. Compared to what they had been doing before . . . this was tame, even if it felt more personal than making out, if that was possible.

Axel hid his smile in Roxas' hair. "Just for a minute. You can punch me later if you want." He pulled the smaller boy even closer, closing his eyes. The impulse to hug Roxas had been pretty irresistible, and it wasn't as if it were anything heavy. Just a hug. It felt nice.

"Everyone can see," Roxas protested halfheartedly, leaning his head against Axel's chest for a minute. It wasn't like a romance movie or anything. There was no heartbeat next to his ear, no fireworks. Just Axel breathing and touching him in a totally awkward way. "Take me home now," Roxas demanded softly, pulling away and breaking the moment abruptly.

Axel did without complaint.

It was a great first date.

* * *

AN: GAVE MERCRY ON MY SOUL I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN A REAL MAKE OUT SCENE.

I love you all. I promise the next chapter will be true story, not just random making out. Who wants that? Haha.


	14. Chapter 14

Title: Super Sized! 

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 14/30?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side. Tidus x Cloud LOOMING IN THE FUTURE.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither knows what to do about. AU Crackfic.

* * *

AN: . . . So yeah, Ikasu con was awesome! Whoo:D But it also put me into a HORRIBLE BOUT OF LAZINESS which basically consisted of me going 'Write? Phht. I'd rather . . . walk to the store and get Skittles.' I ate a lot of Skittles. But from now on I should be on schedule with chapters. :D

A HUGE ROUND OF THANKS GOES OUT TO EVERYONE WHO READS/REPLIES THIS . . . THIS THING. I mean, without you guys, sure, I would still write it. But it wouldn't be a third as fun. :D I love you guys! Thank you for being such an awesome audience!

Also, people have been drawing stuff for this. I mean, AWESOME DRAWINGS. Arts? Pieces of art? Whatever they are, they are awesome. I want to like, post links for everyone to see them, but I'm going to have to ask permission first, of course. But I just thought I should take a moment to thank these people. I almost pee myself in happiness whenever I think that people went out of their way to draw stuff for this. :D You guys are awesome.

SO, ANYWAY! ONWARDS! ARRR!

* * *

"Young man, you have some explaining to do."

There are certain phrases said by a parent that a teenager does not ever want to hear under any circumstances. "You have some explaining to do" was one of them, for example, as was "I've never felt ashamed of you before now" and "I love you, son/daughter, but right now I don't like you". These were all pretty effective parental sayings that all meant the same thing: "You're in deep shit, kid."

Roxas wasn't one who really had contact with his parents too often -- they were both on business leave a lot (well, more often than not, anyway) -- but he still had the ingrained instinct of how to decipher a dangerous tone of voice when he heard one.

Roxas froze in the doorframe, eyes wide as saucers as he stared in deer-in-headlights fear at his mother, who looked like she was about to throttle his head off of his neck. In a weird moment of paranoid realization he wondered if his lips were shiny -- they felt wet. (Axel had insisted on a goodnight kiss. Or three. Or four. Roxas had lost count, actually, being too busy trying to pry Axel off of his person.) He hoped to god his mother, who was standing very imposingly right before him, thought it was chapstick. Wait, chapstick was kind of pansy-like. Oh well. Better than some other boy's spit, right? Right. Roxas was suddenly glad he had waited for Axel to leave before going into the house. God only knew what it would look like to bring a strange horny boy into his house.

Speaking of his mother, she looked ready to kill him. She clicked her business-like stiletto on the little carpet that lay in the entryway, arms crossed dangerously. Oh, shit. She must have been /waiting/. "Well, what have you got to say for yourself?" Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard, horrible and heart-stopping even though it was hardly a murmur. Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man.

It went without saying that Roxas had a pretty decent sense of respect for his parents, but it was totally understandable when all was said and done. Even though they were scarce they still managed to exert their discipline somehow. Maybe they spooked him into docility by jumping out at him from no where when he entered his house, scary disappointed parental words at the ready. They also had a few cameras installed sporadically around the house, but that was neither here nor there. Either way, there was a reason Roxas wasn't some delinquent on the street, giving handjobs to lawyers to pay for his next bottle of weed or whatever the delinquents snorted, and that reason was that he was too damn scared of his parents to try anything.

"Hi, Mom," Roxas managed squeakily, sliding his hand over his neck in a suave manner, hoping to hide at least one of his enormous hickeys. It probably didn't do any good, however, seeing as Axel had been pretty persistent in his new-found hobby of sucking on Roxas' neck like some freakish vampire. "I, uh, didn't expect you to be home so early." Actually, he never knew when to expect his parents to be home. They were usually on the other side of the world at any given moment.

His mother stared at him icily. "I suspect you wouldn't have been out until midnight if you knew I was going to be home, would you have?" It was obviously a loaded question. Roxas gulped.

"I . . . I was just out with a friend, Mom. I didn't know I would be out so late." He also didn't know he was going to end up getting thrown out of a theater for making out over Skittles and popcorn, either, but life had its surprises.

"Get in the house," his mother hissed, yanking him in. "We are not going to make a scene in front of the neighbors." Not like she ever saw the neighbors, but it was the principle that counted in the end. According to his mother, the neighbors were always laying in wait for him to make a scene, like some kind of deranged paparazzi. He stepped inside the doorway, the click of the lock like the sound of prison bars shutting.

"I don't see what the big deal is," Roxas tried futilely, eyes darting towards his mother's dagger-like fingernails, which were tapping menacingly on her crossed arms. He suddenly wondered why he had thought Axel molesting him was so bad. Compared to this, he would certainly have chosen hot, kinky mansex over the glare of his mother. That wasn't saying much, considering he would have chosen being mauled to death by rabid tigers over his mother's anger.

"The big deal." And there is was, the grand mother of all "OH GOD I AM IN SUCH BIG TROUBLE"-alerts -- the barely controlled yelling stage. His mother's face was turning purple underneath all her makeup, her body rising tall in anger, properly intimidating and downright scary in her crisp skirt-suit ensemble. "The big deal, young man, is that your father and I foolishly trusted you, thinking that you're old enough to take care of yourself, and you go off and . . . canoodle with your friends 'til midnight! Your curfew is ten! I believe we were clear on that!"

They weren't clear on that, actually, seeing as the closest thing his parents had given to him regarding specific rules had been "Don't let that Sora boy near the good china while we're away, young man." That had been when he was five. Roxas felt it was in his best interest, however, not to mention that fact. "Sorry. I guess I lost track of the time," he said lowly, trying his best to keep a smart-ass tone from his voice and failing miserably. "Mother."

There was a cold silence, then, in which Roxas wanted desperately to go to his room and change his underwear (he didn't want to feel sexy anymore, not with his mom staring at him like he was a four year old who had scribbled on the wall with his own blood or something). He thought briefly of Axel, the way his face looked when they said goodbye on his doorstep (right before he pounced Roxas one last time), and suddenly didn't feel so bad about the situation. So what if he was grounded forever? No big deal . . . ah, who was he kidding. This sucked.

"I can't look at you," his mother said finally, picking up her briefcase from where it had been leaning against the wall. Roxas stared at it blankly. It stared back menacingly. "The one time I just want to come home to see my son -- I'll talk to you in the morning. Your father should be back from Venice and we can all discuss your behavior as a family."

Roxas blanched. "W-what?" Holy crap, not his dad, too! His dad was scarier than his mom!

"To your room, young man." Her voice held the tone of a death knell, final and . . . doom-filled.

And that was the end of that. Roxas, defeated, climbed the stairs to his room, his stomach in his shoes. He was so screwed.

* * *

"Son, it's time your mother and I realize that we haven't been around like we should've been."

Roxas gaped from the kitchen door, halted mid-yawn. Before him lay the most bizarre sight he had ever beheld -- his parents. In the same room. At the same table. Sure, once he had seen them pass each other in the living room, but that had been two years ago and his father was on his way out the front door to haggle prices over Bermuda or something anyway. It hadn't counted.

"Guh?" Roxas said intelligently, staring unblinkingly at the train wreck waiting to happen. His mother smiled. He had never seen her smile. Not even when his first words were "I love you, mommy." His mother didn't have the facial ability to smile. He began to freak out.

"Well, Roxas, you're father and I have been talking," his mother began, patting her clawed fingers against his father's hand, continuing her eerie smile. "Since we're away so often we've decided that you've never really had any kind of real discipline figure in your life. Living by yourself most of the time can't be good for you, you know."

Roxas began to breathe spastically. He did not like the way this conversation was going. Living by himself most of the time was great. Fantastic. He loved it. Roxas was internally having a spaz-out, still staring dumbly in his pajamas from the kitchen door. He was a good kid! He did laundry and cleaned the mustard from the walls when the bottle spurted and did the dishes and made sure not to make any long distance calls! He was a good kid! He was fine alone! Perfectly okay, actually!

His father smiled at him warmly, a warm, parental glow emanating from him. Bullshit. That glow was a lie! "It's hard to follow the rules when no one is there to enforce them, son." He said sympathetically, sipping his coffee loudly. "That's why --"

That's why your mother and I are quitting our jobs and moving in with you to make sure you come home at ten and make your life a living hell, his brain filled in quickly.

"You guys don't have to stay home because of me!" Roxas blurted, hairs on his neck standing up. If he couldn't stand being around his parents five days a year there was no way he could survive them being there every single second of his life. Please, God, have mercy --

"Ohohoho!" his mother laughed, a sound that could have brought the prime minister of . . . some very threatening country to his knees in fright. Roxas had always assumed that his mother did not know how to laugh -- she worked in the law field for a reason, and that reason was that the law field was scary and found no humor in anything and neither did she. "Oh, Roxas. We've raised such a funny boy, haven't we, dear?"

His father finished off his coffee and brusquely flicked a crumb of toast from the lapel of his expensive suit. "Roxas, my son, your mother and I just don't have the time to be home for you like we should." He sounded sorrowful, but Roxas knew it was a sham. His father could convey false emotions like a prostitute gave away handjobs -- easily. He sold most of his real estate by making his clients think that he actually believed that what he was selling was worth the millions the buyers doled out, after all -- why should his son be different? Roxas wanted to run to BurgerMart and drown out his panic in meat, but he was sure that his parents could easily track him down and implement torture on him quite effortlessly. "In fact, we are very proud that you manage to keep yourself and the house in such nice shape," his father continued, oblivious to his son's mental trauma.

"But we're worried," his mother said meaningfully, frowning down at her fingernails in concern. Roxas felt like taking a hammer to them. They weren't worried. Why the Hell did people like this have kids? Argh!

The faculty of his vocal cords returned once again, and Roxas was able to speak a little, even if his words were a bit just-hitting-puberty-squeaky. "You're . . . worried?" He had actually meant to say 'You're not worried! You've never been worried! You're never home! You don't care! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU SO MUCH I'M RUNNING AWAY NOW.' He didn't, though.

His mother nodded. "Any mother would be worried when her son, the son she expected to find in his room studying, comes home from god knows where covered in . . . hickeys and smelling like booze."

"I did not smell like booze!" Roxas yelled angrily, hands fisting at his sides. "And I am not covered in hickeys!" Actually, he was, but he had taken special measure to steal some of his mother's concealer and hide the worst of them before daring to venture downstairs. His neck was practically freaking /polka dotted/. He vowed to kill Axel. With a lawn mower.

His father poured another cup of coffee, calmly regarding Roxas from the rim of his expensive designer glasses. He took a languorous sip before speaking. "Now, now, we understand that you are a teenager. You probably just wanted to go on a date with your girlfriend -- you are that age. But we can't have you running all over the town like some carnival monkey. We have a reputation to withhold, Roxas, and you have a responsibility to be on your best behavior at all times. And you let us down."

A lot of things ran through Roxas' head at that point. One -- he hadn't been /monkeying/ around town. He had gone to the FREAKING movies. Two -- He was on a date. Probably wasn't a good idea to tell them that it was a date with some obsessed freak. Wait, it probably wasn't a good idea to say that the said obsessed freak had a penis, either. Three -- reputation. He knew it. This was not about his own well-being after all. It was about their name and standing in the community. God forbid they should have a son who steps beyond the measure of the rules.

It was needless to say Roxas was feeling extremely bitter. He bit his lip to keep himself from saying anything condemning, like "Oh yeah? I just made out with a boy in the movie theater and got kicked out! How's that for your reputation? HA!" or "THIS ISN'T FAIR I HATE YOU AND AM RUNNING AWAY!"

His mother nibbled delicately on a piece of toast and dabbed at her chin with a napkin. "That is why we have decided that you obviously aren't old enough the live without supervision anymore, Roxas."

"I'm seventeen!" Roxas shouted, wanting badly to lay the smack-down on something.

"Seventeen is still young," his father said in his 'speaking to children' voice that made Roxas want to punch a wall. "That's why . . . ."

'We're shipping you off to Beijing to work in a sweatshop.'

'We're getting you castrated so we don't have to worry about your late-night activities.'

'We're getting you euthanized so we don't have to worry about you while we party all around the world during our stupid job trips.'

All of the above, of course, were results of Roxas' imagination. He was pretty sure none of them were plausible, seeing he was too scrawny to really produce any real labor and too attached to 'little Roxas' to give it up without a proper fight. The euthanasia thing was more of a product of panic.

"We're getting you a babysitter."

Roxas opened his mouth. He closed his mouth. The nuclear reactor of his mind shut down and stopped producing energy to fuel any more thought processes. He stared. He gaped.

"A babysitter." Roxas was pretty surprised at how calm he sounded. Maybe this was a joke. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! He didn't smile, though, because if this was a joke it was not a funny one in any way.

His father poured yet another cup of coffee. "We interviewed at least twenty candidates this morning. It was a little hard to find one on such short notice, but seeing as your mother's plane leaves in an hour and my ship leaves in thirty minutes it was imperative that we found a suitable sitter before we left."

It escaped all logic that anyone could interview twenty candidates before nine a.m., but if anyone had the connections to do it, it would have been Roxas' parents. He was still frantically hoping that one of them would say this was a joke. Please. Joke. Funny ha ha. They weren't laughing. Oh God.

"I really don't need a babysitter," he said desperately, the war lost.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

"He's here," his mother announced, standing up and pressing a few wrinkles from her snazzy pantsuit. "Now, Roxas, we've given him a strict set of rules that you need to follow. I expect you to be on your best behavior and listen to everything he tells you."

Roxas wanted to point out that this was the dumbest thing he had ever heard, but then the door opened and his mouth was suddenly unable to work.

"Good morning," the babysitter said dully, walking into the house with a shrug. His mother shut the door behind him, her heels clicking obnoxiously on the hardwood floor. "I assume this is Roxas."

Whoa. Whoa. Roxas really couldn't think anything but Whoa.

His father was suddenly beside Roxas, a commanding hand on his shoulder directing him to stand up straight. He would have moved out from under the hand, but his mind was too busy 'whoa'-ing to care.

"Say hello to your babysitter, Roxas," his mother urged, smiling fakely at the man. Roxas thought it was a man. Pretty man. Whoa. Um. Whoa.

The hallway was silent for a few seconds.

"Whoa," Roxas said.

His father cut in. "I must thank you for coming on such short notice," he said in a business like manner, reaching out to shake the babysitter's hand. "I'm surprised that a young man like yourself is willing to take on such a job. My son is quite the handful."

If Roxas was in possession of any mental capacity he would have objected to that. But he wasn't, so he said nothing. Dude. Was this guy a model or a babysitter!

The guy shrugged again. "I'm pretty good with kids," he said in a bored voice, crossing his arms. It was kind of obvious he wasn't good with kids, actually, but Roxas' parents didn't seem to notice. It was safe to say he didn't notice either.

There was another period of strange silence.

"Well," Roxas' mother said, gathering herself. (Roxas was pretty sure she had been staring at the babysitter's booty, but he wasn't going to say anything.) "List of rules is on the fridge, pizza money is in an envelope on the stove. We'll only need you on weekends, Mr. Leonheart. I'm sure Roxas can manage to behave on school nights."

"We have to be leaving now," his father interjected, grabbing his briefcase pointedly. (Roxas was pretty sure he had been staring at the babysitter's ass, too.)

"Behave yourself, Roxas," his parents said in perfect unison, leaving him alone in the house with what appeared to be an extremely attractive babysitter.

"Let's get pizza," Roxas offered, at a total loss of anything else to do.

"Whatever." The babysitter shrugged and followed him into the kitchen.

* * *

"Let's get pizza," Axel said from his place on the couch, remote hanging limply from his hand as he channel-surfed halfheartedly. Nothing good was ever showing on Sundays. It figured that, the one day he was off of work, Fate couldn't even give him a decent Godzilla movie to watch. He frowned and let the remote drop to the carpet, where it lay sadly, unmoving. Whatever.

Cloud rustled his newspaper, staring intensely at the word puzzle. Hm. "I'm not hungry," he said vaguely, squinting unhappily at the small print on the page. George of the blank. George of the blank? Grocery? No. Didn't fit. House? Too short. Meadow? Maybe. "George of the blank."

"Jungle," Axel replied, stretching languidly on the couch, scratching at his head happily. "And I am hungry. Look at me, I'm skin and bones." He plucked at an exposed hip in proof. Cloud stared at him with a 'Bitch, pleeeease' expression. Axel shrugged. "You get pizza all the time lately and I never get any," he whined.

Cloud sighed and threw the word puzzle across the table, angry at the numerous uses of pop culture references that he didn't understand. "I don't want pizza," he said testily, crossing his arms. "I don't like pizza." Which was kind of a lie, actually. He had grown to like pizza a little lately, but he was getting a little short on cash and Axel was a moocher.

Axel snorted and flopped over, facing Cloud with a dubious expression. "You don't like pizza?"

Cloud shrugged. "No."

"Then why have you been ordering it?" Oho, Axel, that was a good one. He had Cloud cornered now, like a rabbit in a . . . corner. A corner he liked to call the "I'm sorry I lied to you, Axel, I will now repent for my wrongdoing -- since I obviously am a dirty liar and like pizza -- and proceed to order you an awesome pizza" corner.

Cloud opened his mouth, then closed it, looking like a blonde, poofy-haired fish. He glared at Axel. "Because we have no food." Ha, take that, you sneaky jerk. Cloud wished he had a chess piece to chuck at him -- the newspaper wouldn't do much damage. Teach him to question his pizza-ordering.

Axel grinned. "If we don't have food, we should order pizza." He was pretty aware he was acting like a four year old, but it didn't really bother him. Nothing could bother him. Not even a train exploding into the side of their apartment and fracturing all of his bones and sending him into a thousand year coma and blinding him permanently. His date with Roxas was just that good, he was still high from it. Whoo!

"Wha--" If fate was a Mr. Potato Head it would have been looking at Cloud with angry eyes, because right at that moment his stomach decided to deliver a monstrous growl, killing his argument quickly and efficiently. He sighed as Axel grinned smugly at him. "You're paying."

Axel picked the remote up off the floor and began flipping through the channels again, landing on a stupid-looking cartoon show and sitting back in content. "Whatever. You're ordering." He patted his hipbone in reassurance that it would be well-padded soon. Some cartoon character fell off a cliff on the television. He laughed loudly.

With a frown, Cloud dug into his pocket for his cell phone, ignoring the little dangly happy-face ornament and flicking it open. What was the number for Tid-- uh, pizza? He punched in a number, hoping for the best, and hit the little send button. Riiiiing. He scratched his toe. Riiiiiiing.

"CONGRATULAITONS!"

Cloud blinked. He knew getting pizza was fun, but did he really need to be congratulated? "H-hello?"

"HELLO SIR! YOU'RE THE LUCKY CALLER!" A dinky little jingle followed the booming voice coming from Cloud's phone. Cloud's face contorted in fright and confusion. What was this? Was he being stalked?

"I'm . . . I'm not lucky. I just want pizza," he protested, hoping the scary man would just let him order his freaking pizza already. "Please."

The guy on the phone took a moment to laugh heartily. "WHAT A JOKER. HA HA HA. SIR, YOU'RE THE TEN MILLIONTH CALLER! YOU MUST KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"

Cloud actually did not know what it meant, but it was seriously creeping him out to the extreme. He considered just flipping his phone shut and eating a hot dog or something. " . . . do I get a free pizza?" he ventured carefully, eyes wide.

Another freaky laugh. "NO, MY MAN, YOU DO NOT! UNLESS YOU CONSIDER TWO FREE BACKSTAGE PASSES TO SOUL HARVEST FREE PIZZA!"

Cloud shook his head. "I don't." Tickets were not pizza. Was Soul Harvest a cult! He didn't want his soul harvested. It wasn't corn.

"TELL OUT LISTENERS AT J476.3 FM WHAT YOUR NAME IS, DUDE! AND WHY EXACTLY YOU WANT THESE TICKETS SO BAD!"

Cloud panicked. "I don't want to tell you my name. And I don't want them. I just want a pizza! That's it!" Axel was staring at him like he was insane. Cloud turned in his chair so he wouldn't have to face him.

"STAY COOL, STAY COOL, MY MAN! OKAY! WE'RE GOING ON A COMMERCIAL BREAK, LISTENERS, SO STAY TUNED FOR MORE CHANCES TO WIN TICKETS!" A short silence crackled in Cloud's ear. "Okay, dude, you're gonna have to tell us your name so you can come claim your tickets. We're off air, so it's cool."

Cloud frowned. "I have no clue what's going on. I thought I was calling Pinocchio's Pizza Palace."

"Uh, this is J476.3 PM radio, dude. You just won some awesome-ass tickets by mistake. Tubular!"

"I did?" Cloud had never had tickets before. They sounded pretty cool. "Uh, my name is Cloud."

"Cloud what?"

"Strife." Cloud leaned his chin into his palm, realizing that he was going to have to shave. The stubble was damn itchy against his palm. Ew. He moved his head. "What do I have to do?"

The announcer-guy could be heard writing his name down, the pen scritch-scritching annoyingly in the background. "Okay, dude. Just come down to the station between today and Tuesday with your I.D. and we'll hook you up."

"Hook me up?" To a machine? What?

"Yeah. See you then, my man!" Cloud was shut off with a sharp click, more than a little bewildered and more than a lot annoyed. Well, that was lame. All that work and still no pizza. He closed his phone. Maybe he should try again. The radio station probably just had a similar number or something. Yeah. He hoped he didn't win more tickets.

"What was that about?" Axel called over, pointing his remote at Cloud inquisitively. "That wasn't ordering pizza."

"I dunno," Cloud replied, tapping his socked foot on the table leg anxiously. Riiiing. Riiiing. If this wasn't the right place, Axel could order his own damn pizza. Lazy ass.

"Pinnochio's Pizza Palace! How many I serve you?"

Cloud sighed in relief and began his order.

* * *

AN: If Roxas' parents were SCREWED UP IMMENSELY... it was for a good reason. Yay! Babysitter!Well. Yep. -laugh- Yay, Cloud's going to the concert! Whoo! I can't wait to write that concert. It's most likely the only part of this fic I have planned for. I even have it /written down/. I KNOW. AMAZING! But anyway, this is how I'm going to decide tow do this from now on -- I work much better underneath a deadline. As was proven by this chapter. No pressure, no writing. So from now on, I'll give specific days that I should have a chapter done by! Isn't that nifty.

Say YES, AUTHOR, IT IS VERY NIFTY. GOOD JOB.

Aw, I love you guys. Anyway.

NEXT CHAPTER: Tuesday.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Riku and Sora RE-APPEAR! OMG! Roxas has the lamest babysitter ever, Cloud invites a certain someone to a certain place. I wonder who. Axel sneaks Roxas out of LEON'S IRON-FISTED CONTROL. For food. Probably.

SEE YOU THEN, GUYZ! WHOO!


	15. Chapter 15

AN: WHOO! TUESDAY! This is going to be a rather short AN because I'm tired and sunburnt and... my bed is like "Come to meeee, I am comfy." Who am I to disobey? 

Anyway.

Much thanks to anyone who has read and reviewed. Or just read. Or just reviewed, which is weird, because you have to read to review. I think. I love you if you don't read anyway. I LOVE YOU INDISCRIMINATELY. Kinda. I do hold a place in my heart for reviewers. A THIRD OF MY HEART TO YOU.

... As a warning, this has not been betaed yet. I wanted to post it today, so I took my chances and ran it thorugh a spellcheck. Once I have it all shiny and betaed I will repost this chapter. :D Hope no one minds?

ANYWAY, ONWARDS!

* * *

Chapter Fifteen

* * *

Sora was bored out of his mind. Sunday afternoon and nothing to do- he had had things to do, actually, but they had gotten boring fast. Like hackey sack. That had been cool for the first ten minutes until it had hit his ceiling fan. Next time, he reasoned, it would probably be a pretty good idea to practice it in a large open place where there were no fast-moving-slicy things. Fan-blades. Yeah, that as the word.

Sigh.

And it wasn't as if there wasn't stuff to do around town. He could most likely go and hit up the arcade or movies, but none of that stuff was that fun without someone else to go along with. Tidus, sure, but he was working as far as Sora knew. Working or having sex. Either way he was busy. Any other time he could just call up Ri- Ri- ARGH.

IT WASN'T FAIR.

Sora growled and flopped over on his bed, a pile of CD's that had taken residence in his blankets taking a tumble to the floor. This was so freaking lame. Here he was, bored off his cute little ass, while he could be having fun with his best friend. So he made out with him. Twice. He would take that back in a heartbeat if that meant he were sitting on the couch with Riku, watching some stupid ninja movie or playing video games. That would be enough for him.

'You're a liiiiar.' His mind said unhelpfully. 'You wouldn't be happy with ninja movies anymore. Unless that ninja movie took place in his mouth and starred your tongue.'

Sora frowned. 'I don't need that kind of thing from Riku. It was a mistake.' He had told his parents that so much in the past day that he had almost started to believe it. He didn't need that kind of relationship with Riku. It was an accident. His foot slipped and he tripped onto that hospital bed. Twice in two days. And his tongue just slipped in and his hands just wandered, his mind totally unaware...

'You've got it bad, you homo. And for your best friend.' Sora's brain taunted, smug and mean. 'Can you imagine if your parents hadn't walked in?'

Actually, Sora could imagine what would have happened if the parents hadn't have arrived. It had a lot to do with a little bit more than tripping and tongues and wandering hands... Badthoughtbadthought. He smoothed his hand over his face roughly, taking a deep breath. He was going crazy. It wasn't bad enough that he wasn't allowed to see Riku ("Ever again. He's a bad seed, that Riku." His mother had said, putting a pan of muffins into the oven. "That boy was homosexuality waiting to happen. A ticking time bomb of gay. I just hope he hasn't corrupted you, son." Sora had wanted to scream and throw a napkin holder at her. Was she blind? It took two people to make out, and she had seen it with her own eyes. It wasn't like Riku had been holding him down against his will and humping his leg. If anything, it would probably have been the other way around, if she had walked in a few minutes later...) but now it seemed as if he was going to go absolutely-freaking-insane if he couldn't see him. Right now.

Sora wondered what Riku was doing, now that he was out of the hospital. Was he in trouble? Was he grounded? Was he thinking of Sora, too? Was he playing video games or making some perfectly-cooked pizza rolls? Maybe he was sleeping. Maybe he had realized that he didn't want anything to do with stupid, gay Sora anymore and that it was best if they never talked again. Maybe they should stop talking all together-

Ouch. Okay, no more thinking like that. Sora winced. His heart had just broken a bit. Just a wee fracture. Riku wasn't like that. He was probably just as grounded from Sora as Sora was from him, unable to call him or anything. He didn't hate him. His parents just were dumb-asses too. He was probably laying in his room, too, pretty eyes sad and wistful as he thought about Sora...

Sora let out a massive sigh. Maybe he should do some homework. Anything to keep his mind off of things. Or maybe take a nap. Yeah. A nice, mid-day nap should do the trick. Except he wasn't tired and his brain was going forty different ways and why was there a picture of Riku giving him a hamster on his nightstand ARGH. Sora rolled off of his bed and onto the floor, staring in a comatose manner at the area under his bed.

A few dust bunnies looked at him happily, probably thankful for human recognition. Sora frowned hatefully and blew them away. Maybe he could just sleep on the floor right here, it wasn't so bad, and there weren't any Riku-pictures-

PIK.

Sora frowned lightly, raising his head up from the floor with much effort. What was that noise? He looked at the fan in suspicion. Maybe some hackey sack beans got stuck in the motor and it was about to explode and take him down in a fiery, horrible death. He stood up and turned it off, about to lay back down when it happened again. The weird PIK noise, louder than before. He glanced around in confusion. Maybe those dust bunnies got made or something because he ignored them, and this was their horrid war cry. Oh shit.

Sora was just peeking under the bed when the noise happened again, this time in rapid succession. PIK PIK PIK PIK. Okay. It was definitely coming from the window. Sora rushed towards it, stumbling a bit clumsily. What if a bird was running itself into it? Sora didn't think he could live with himself if a bird brained itself to death because of him. It was his fault his windows were so shiny. He liked the smell of Windex.

The moment the window was open Sora was suddenly attacked by something small and round, causing him to freak out a little. He picked himself up off the floor. What the hell? Had the bird exploded? He examined the small missile, which had found a niche under his desk after skittering around the floor like crazy. A Skittle? What the hell!

"Hey! Sora!" There was a voice people generally used when they were trying to be quiet but still trying to be heard across long distances, a weird kind of shout-whisper that kind of defeated its own purpose. Whoever was throwing Skittles at Sora's window was using that voice to get Sora's attention, yelling in a whispery tone from the yard below. It should be noted that the person trying to get Sora;s attention sounded a whole lot like Riku. Sora's attention was caught like a fish in a net, helpless and desperate and instant like noodles.

In less than a second, Sora was away from the Skittle and hanging from his window, eyes wide and face glowing. "Riku!" He yelled quietly, face broken in half by an enormous grin. "Riku! I'm so happy to see you! Are you- what... Did you- Riku!" Okay, so it wasn't the most intelligent welcome ever, but it would have to do. Sora was so excited he could pee himself. But he didn't, which was probably a very good thing.

Riku grinned up from Sora's side yard, a bag of Skittles clenched in his hand and his shoulders hunched onto a very shiny pair of metal crutches. "I tried to call you cell, but you didn't answer..." He trailed off, smiling doofily. "Get down here!"

Sora felt his heart drop into his stomach, then, where it sizzled painfully in the acidy pit of it. Riku looked so happy to see him- "I can't, Riku. I'm not allowed to see you- not like that matters, but my parents are home-"

"Sneak out!" Riku cut him off, looking impatient. "I did. I just... yeah. It was too nice of a day to stay inside." Riku was lying through his teeth. He had snuck out because he had wanted to see Sora so badly he had cried a teeny bit (it was night, and he was very emotional before he slept. Yeah. That was it.), but that was something that was never going to leave the privacy of his room.

Sora looked undecided for a split second, before he grinned bright enough to make the sun attempt suicide in jealousy. "I'll be right down." He said happily, eyeing Riku's Skittles. They looked pretty good. So did Riku, though, with his hair pulled back... Um. "Make sure no one sees you."

And with that, Sora was gone and the window was shut.

* * *

"A girl's birthday party?"

Sora nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, mom! She lives just a few streets away... I totally forgot, I just found the invitation in my backpack. I was hoping I could show up or something, just for an hour or so." He willed himself to blush, mentally conjuring up the image of Riku's smiling face beneath his window, happy to see him. "I know you guys are mad at me for... the whole Riku thing, but I really want to go. I... kinda like her."

Lies, lies lies, but his mother visibly melted like cream cheese in the sun. She put down her baking mitt and leaned against the counted heavily, face hopeful. "You... you aren't ga- you like a girl?"

Sora almost felt bad for lying, but its wasn't as if everything was a a total sham. He didn't think he was gay. He just liked the idea of doing... doing... boyfriend-girlfriend activities with Riku. But his mom didn't need to know that. "She's very pretty," Sora said bashfully, wondering how fast he and Riku could run from the house with crutches. "And I think she likes me, too. Can I please go? I promise I'll only be an hour..."

"Four hours," His mother said breathlessly, digging something out of her apron. "Oh, Sora, I'm so glad that whole... Riku phase is over. I knew that boy was infectiously... flamboyant." She handed Sora something, pressing it into the palm of his hand. It flashed and jingled merrily, as if it were happy to see him. His cell phone! He flipped it open. Ten missed calls. Riku, Riku, Riku... His mother smiled warmly. "Call me when you're coming home. Or if you're bringing her home to meet me, hohoho!" She pinched his cheek and gave him a muffin.

Sora nodded. "Thanks, mom, you're the best!" which actually came out as "Tssh mmm yoor da beft!" He couldn't help but to always eat muffins in one bite. They were delicious! "Can I take one for her, too?" He questioned, gesturing at the muffins.

His mother gave him another one, wrapped daintily in a paper towel. "Don't tell anyone," She said confidentially, leaning close to her son. "But I got the recipe from Riku's mom, but mine are much better. Probably because her son is gay. It lends the muffins a bit of a... yeasty flavor."

Sora smiled. Wow. His mom was freaking insane. "Probably, mom. Well, I'll see you. I'll tell R-... Rachel you said hi." Rachel. Rachel was a great girl's name! And to think he was about to say Rikuette. Rachel was much more plausible.

Sora wondered briefly what Riku would be like with boobs. Probably hot.

'Down that path lays madness,' Some part of his brain whispered, wiping away the dry-erase board of his mind (which had been housing images of a rather top-heavy Riku). 'Don't you have people to meet?'

"Oh yeah." Sora said, remembering. He pocketed the muffin and made for the door, happy. Today was certainly looking up.

* * *

This guy was the worst babysitter ever.

It was a fact, true, that Roxas had never had a babysitter. But it was also true that he had had access to bad teenage movies and cable television and was pretty up on what good babysitters did. He was pretty sure sitting at a kitchen table in silence for fifteen minutes was not something a good babysitter would do.

Roxas sighed played with his cell phone nervously, unsure of what to do. 'Okay, so my parents hire a total stranger to babysit me. No big deal. Right. I can handle this. But they can't even hire a good babysitter? One with video game skills or something? This guy has spent the last ten minutes staring at the table, I mean, seriously. Dude. This is ludicrous.' Roxas comforted himself with the fact that if he could use the word 'ludicrous' he should not, theoretically, need a babysitter, but then again he was seven-freaking-teen and should not really need one anyway.

A few more moments of silence dripped by.

"So, uh." Roxas began, a bit nervous. A lot nervous. This was weird as hell. "What's your name?" Good way to start. He congratulated himself.

The guy looked up, face blank and bored. "Leon." His hair floated dreamily around his stern face. Roxas frowned. Leon was a lame name. He couldn't have a babysitter named Jenkins or Raphael?

Roxas shifted uncomfortably, examining his hands for lack of anything better to do. Ugh. Why had he ever painted his nails? What had possessed him to think that black nail polish was an acceptable color for males? Now it was chipping and looked tacky. How did you get this crap off, anyway? It was like... superglue, in paint form.

Roxas tried again, wishing this Leon guy would uncross his arms and loosen up a bit. A little friendly body language never hurt anyone. Not that Roxas was too friendly, but still. "So... uh, why do you want to babysit me?" Good one, Roxas. Question his motives.

"Money." Leon said, crossing his arms indifferently. "I take what jobs are given."

"Ever been a model?" Oh man, the freaking word vomit was back. Roxas felt like dying. He wasn't supposed to say that. it was not in his plan to point out how pretty this creep was. He was pretty. Like a freaking girl. What a freak. No wonder he couldn't play video games. "I mean, it's a job." Good cover up. Roxas felt proud.

Leon scowled. "No." And that was the end of that. Roxas took to chipping at his fingernails with a renewed vigor, still shell-shocked at the fact that he had a babysitter. Four year old had babysitters. Babysitters were for kids who would like, chop off their hands without supervision. Roxas liked his hands. He needed them for things, like making food and... things.

Ringleringle! Roxas jumped a bit, earning him a glare from Leon.

"My phone," he explained, unpocketing it slowly as to show it was not a dangerous weapon or anything delinquent as would need to supervision of a babysitter. He reminded himself to get a cooler ringtone later. The one he had sounded like... a fairy tinkling fairy duct on things. Definitely not manly.

'Hey babe. Wanna get ice cream:D :D'

Roxas stared at his cell phone and had the strange feeling that no long ago his life had been normal. No babysitter. No...Axel-shaped attachment. No Canada-sized hickeys. No problems, really, no worries... Blue skies and burgers, that's what life was.

He was about to text back something like 'Whatever' or 'Only if you pay' or 'Now I owe you ten really big hickeys in payback you jerk' but his bitter reply was halted by a glorious noise- the ring of the doorbell. Roxas was out of his chair faster than he could say burger (and considering it was Roxas, he could say burger pretty darn fast.).

"Pizza!" He exclaimed, jogging towards the door in excitement. Pizza had to eb his second favorite food,easily. Extra pepperoni, extra cheese, mm, there was nothing like it. Except a burger. But no one delivered burgers, so here he was.

Leon followed him with his arms crossed, boots clicking softly against the hardwood floor. "I brought the money from the stove." He said, holding up an envelope that read "PIZZA MONEY". Roxas shrugged. Was he supposed to pat him on the head or something for remembering? He opened the door, excited-

"Hey, Roxas!" A cheerful tan face peeked up above Roxas' stack of ordered pizza's blue eyes shining happily at him. "What's up! Long time no see!

"I just saw you at school," Roxas said dully, taking the pizza boxes from Tidus protectively. he had seen Tidus around pizza, and it was not a pretty sight. Best to take the temptation from him lest be lacking in pizza and limbs. "How much do I owe you?"

Tidus peered at a receipt from underneath his red uniform vision, squinting. "Lessee, four large pepperoni pizzas and an order of fries." He frowned. "The grease has like, eroded the total. Wait, okay, it says fifty two ninety five. Damn, are you having a party?" Tidus almost drooled. A pizza party? He was in.

Roxas shifted the pizzas so they were totally out of Tidus' reach. "No, I just felt hungry," he replied a bit shortly, smelling delicious pizza-smells and almost going weak at the knees. "Uh, Leon. Money." His vocal functions were a bit cut down by food, sometimes. Especially when pepperoni-scent was hitting him in just the right place. Mmmm.

Tidus' eyes widened. "Leon?" He tried to peer into Roxas' house. "Who?"

Roxas realized what a mistake he made. Tidus better not get any weird sexy Tidus ideas about his babysitter or anything- and by the way Tidus was eyeing Leon, he was getting /something/ in his head. He almost wanted to give the pizzas back and tell Tidus to drive back wherever he had come from. But pizza was too good to let go to spoil like that. Mm. Pizza.

Tidus took the money Leon was stoically holding out with a weird smile, eyeing the man in copious amounts of interest. "Is this... a friend, Roxas?" A warning bell went off in Roxas' head. No, Leon was not a friend! Because by friend Tidus was most likely implying that Roxas banged Leon, and the only banging Roxas was going to be doing to Leon was the kind with a gun if he turned out to be one of those sexual molester-y babysitters.

"He's a family acquaintance," Roxas lied defensively, ignoring Tidus' raising of the eyebrow. "From Europe." Oh, yeah, good job. Make him exotic or some shit. Tidus looked even more interested. Leon didn't say anything to the contrary, which was either a very good or bad thing. Probably a bit of both, considering it was good that he didn't rat Roxas out and bad in that he probably didn't care enough to make the effort to point out the lie.

Tidus nodded slowly, turning his gaze from Leon to Roxas with some noticeable difficulty. "That's cool, then. Hey, I'll see you at schoo-"

He paused and looked to the side suddenly. After a few seconds, he made a weird flapping hand motion at Roxas, beckoning him to come. "Um, dude, I think you should..." He frowned. "Wait, do you have a cat?"

Roxas shook his head. "...No."

"Yeah, then come here."

Roxas handed the pizza boxes to Leon, who frowned and uncrossed his arms to take them. He stepped onto the porch, wishing he had shoes on. His socks were getting all dirty. Stupid Tidus. "Okay, what is it?"

Tidus pointed at a cluster of bushed positioned at the corner of Roxas' house. Nothing was too special about them, really, except they grew useless berries that were poisonous to all animals. What was the use of a berry bush if cute birds couldn't eat them or something? It was a horrible gardening choice made by his parents, in Roxas' opinion.

"What am I looking for?" Roxas said sullenly, a bit unhappy about the whole sock thing.

Tidus opened his mouth the reply, but he didn't need to.

"Oooh," Something moaned from the bushes, the branches giving a random shake. Both Roxas and Tidus stared in bewilderment. Inside Leon was starting on the pizza, bored.

"What the hell?" Tidus whispered, staring with wide eyes.

Roxas frowned, squinting. Maybe the neighbor's car was in heat again and was using his bush as a mating grounds. Again. Ew. "I think... I think it could be cats." He said lowly, not wanting to spook two horny cats from a bush. They could attack him. Or hump his leg. Neither sounded good at all.

Tidus frowned. "I don't think that those are cats."

"MMMM!" The bush said loudly, making a weird rocking motion.

Roxas stared at the bush in hesitation. He really didn't want cats doing it in his bush. At least do it in some neighbor's, but not his. Sick! "Dude, go to the side of my house and grab the hose." Roxas said lowly, a bit pissed that his bushes were being desecrated.

"That's kind of mean!" Tidus said, not protesting much at all as he trotted off the get the hose, coming back with a smile on his face. "Okay, let me do it." He aimed the barrel of the sprayer at the bush, eyes glinting. "I hope they're declawed."

Roxas shrugged. They would probably go for Tidus first. He kinda smelled like an anchovy pizza. Cats liked fish, right? "Just be careful," He instructed, crossing his arms. Maybe he should put a little fence around the bushes. A spiky fence.

"Here goes nothing," Tidus murmured, pulling the trigger of the hose and letting loose.

There was a horrid silence.

"Those are not cats," Tidus said, wide-eyed. The hose dropped from his fingers, spraying liberally on Roxas' feet. He didn't notice.

The silence continued as two extremely soggy figures finished extracting themselves from Roxas' bushes, both blushing brighter than semen under blacklight and looking appropriately guilty. Guilty or turned on. They were too wet to tell.

An awkward silence fell.

"H-hey, Roxas. Tidus." Sora said sheepishly, scratching at the back of his head, Roxas stared at his white shirt. his wet white shirt. Sora's nipples perked at him, pink under the translucent fabric. Oh god. Why was this happening!

Tidus stared as what was either Riku or a drowned rat pulled a pair of crutches out from under the bushes, shirt thankfully opaque. Not that he was looking or anything. No. Not at all. "I... I have... more deliveries to make," he said quickly, backing up and almost tripping over his own feet. "I'll see you ca- guys around. Yeah." He knew when to take his cue to leave.

Roxas tried to collect himself as the sounds of squealing rubber backing out of his driveway faded into the distance, eyes still locked on Sora. Or, rather, the way Sora's pants were unzipped. And wet. But mostly unzipped.

"Do you guys want some pizza?" It wasn't his own voice that asked the question, but rather and empty shell made up of shock and... even more horrible shock that voiced it. Roxas, the real Roxas, was still back three minutes ago, squirting cats out of a bush, looking forward to eating pizza and maybe taking a shower and doing homework.

Life was officially against him.

* * *

AN: A bit of a short chapter, I know, but I worked crazy to get it out Tuesday. And yes, I know not everything happened that I said would. XD Ohohoho! I am tricky!'

I'll try to have the next out by Saturday by the latest. No that you should expect it earlier, you foxes! Ohohoho..hohohoho... So sleepy. T-T


	16. Chapter 16

Title: Super Sized! 

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 16/30?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side. Tidus x Cloud evident. Like the truths of the constitution, or whatever says the thing about holding truth self evident. Only not, because the constitution is not homosexual.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither knows what to do about. AU Crackfic.

AN: I am very sorry for the delay. I had a pretty social weekend. And totally DID NOT see Saturday coming! But... it's still Saturday, homies. HA. I CHEATED. sobs I love you all!

For always and evermore I will continue to thank you for you comments. They inspire me to set unrealistic deadlines and MAKE them. You guys give me a large head. I love you all. deflates head I looooooooooove yoooooou. 3

And I love Caitlin, my super awesome great beta, who puts up with this stupid shit day in and day out. She's efficient. She's grammatical. She's GREAT. So let's thank her, everyone, because this would suck a lot more without her!

* * *

"These are my friends," Roxas said dully, stepping into the kitchen. He felt dead. Like a zombie. His brain was burning, like it had been deep fried in tempura and thrown into a vat of horrible, flesh eating acid. Riku-Sora-make- out acid. Oh god. They were making out. In his bush. Like cats in heat. He stared blankly at Leon, who paused mid-chew, a piece of pizza dangling from his mouth. "They are going to eat some pizza."

Leon frowned, slurping a piece of pepperoni. "Why are they wet?"

Roxas shrugged, his brain still a lump of burning "OH GOD THEY WERE HUMPING IN MY BUSH HUMPING LIKE RABBITS." "I hosed them." He suddenly realized his socks were soaking wet. Damn. He liked his socks. They were cute and pink and argyle. He took a moment to pull them off, his body on total autopilot. Dammit, he wasn't even hungry anymore. Damn you, Sora. Damn you, Riku. Damn, damn, damn! He turned to Riku and Sora, who were both looking very shifty and guilty. "Oh yeah. This is my babysitter." He gestured vaguely at Leon, who stared at Sora and Riku emotionlessly. His life was at rock bottom. It was official. Horny friends, babysitter, not hungry . . . whatever.

Roxas purposely ignored the weird looks Riku and Sora were shooting him. Whatever. Think whatever you want to think, you horny, wet jerks. Yeah, he had a babysitter. If they had a problem with it they could make out in someone else's bush. Oh God. There was the acid-brain feeling again.

Leon sat back, eyes narrowing. "Do you do this to all of your friends?" Roxas took he meant the hosing part. He shrugged.

"We like it!" Sora cut in, dripping a large puddle onto the floor. "It's . . . it's a tradition." He laughed nervously, slapping a hand on Roxas shoulder. "Roxas has been squirting us for years, haha." Never let it be said that Sora was good at cover-ups. Retard.

Roxas wanted to fling Sora's hand off of his shoulder. Who knew where that hand had been? Down Riku's pants? Up his shirt? Picking his nose? In his own pants? Either way, Roxas didn't want it touching him. Ew, Riku-penis germs. He shrugged largely, sending Sora's hand off of his shoulder. He would have to take a shower.

"Do you like it?" Leon asked, looking at Riku.

Riku forced a smile, his wet hair starting to frizz. "I . . . love it."

Leon pulled another piece of pizza from the box. "I see," he said slowly.

An awkward silence fell, filled with the drip-drip noises of Sora and Riku leaking onto Roxas' kitchen floor. He thought about offering them towels for a moment, but decided against it. They didn't deserve towels, not when he had Riku-penis germs all over his freaking shoulder.

" . . . You guys can eat some pizza." Roxas said after a while, staring at the crumpled pile of his drenched socks. "There's plenty to go around." Yeah, plenty to go around. Plenty now that his hunger drive was taken to a cliff, shot a zillion times and thrown to the ravenous sharks at the bottom ever since the mental image of Sora and Riku doing it had branded itself onto his brain.

Roxas watched as Sora took three slices happily, sitting himself at the table with a squelching noise. Riku took one and sat next to Sora. Leon took another two pieces. Roxas almost wanted a piece. There were only two boxes left, after all . . . . It would all be gone if he didn't take action. With a sigh, he took a tiny corner piece and sat down, careful to sit far from Sora and Riku. It was like kindergarten, where all the girls had cooties, only now it was senior year and all the boys apparently made out with each other and had boy cooties. Roxas had a weird feeling that if you got cooties from making out with boys he would have them, but he was pretty sure there was a special type of cooties that people got when they macked in bushes and he sure didn't want them. Even Axel cooties were better than bush cooties.

"I'm thirsty," Sora said after a while, licking some cheese from his fingers and looking at Roxas pointedly.

What? Was he supposed to give him something to drink, too? Was it not freaking good enough that he made out in his bushes and ate his damn pizza and dripped on his floor and sat at his table? Roxas frowned, nibbling on his pizza angrily. "We have water."

"I looked in your fridge," Leon said out of nowhere, starting on the last box of pizza. "You have pop."

Roxas bristled. "Yeah. My pop." The pop was his last bastion of hope in this bleak, bleak world. No way anyone was touching it. "You guys can have coffee, if you want caffeine."

Sora looked at him oddly. "You have coffee?"

Riku could have either said "oh no" or "mmmm". Roxas couldn't really tell, but he really didn't care either. That's right, you wet bastard. Drip quietly. No one cares.

"Yeah," Roxas said sullenly, picking the cheese off of his pizza and eating it. Ew. It was kind of cold. He hated cold cheese, more than he hated girl pants. Now there was a story. He had bought at least ten pairs of girl-pants when they were trendy, and all of them fit his crotch weird. He hated them a lot. Anyway, coffee. "I made some this morning. To wake myself up. It's on the counter."

"What about cups?" Sora asked, looking around the kitchen helplessly.

"What about the cups?" Roxas asked coldly, flicking at his crust in anger.

Sora stood up. "Alright then," he said slowly, looking around the room for any semblance of a cup. There weren't any -- wait. Hey, was that a china cabinet? He walked toward it -- it was full of glasses! Sweet! Sure, they looked kind of expensive, but maybe Roxas didn't have normal cups. "Riku, want any coffee?"

"No," Riku said shortly, folding his hands over his chest. So what if his nipples -- well, nipple -- got all perky when wet? Not like anyone cared. yeah. He still didn't want anyone looking at them. Man, what a suck-ass day! Hosed down . . . perky nipples . . . didn't even get to third base . . . . He ate his pizza sourly. No, he didn't want any freakin' coffee, unless Sora were to . . . uh . . . feed him coffee with his mouth. But that would be kinda gross and messy.

Meanwhile, Sora was having a hard time getting at a cup. Why did they have to be up so high? It probably didn't help that he was short . . . . Oh well. He jumped, fingers stretching towards a cup. He should probably get a chair, but he almost had it -- oh, shit!

"KID!" Everyone (everyone being Riku and Roxas) looked up just in time to see Roxas' babysitter launch himself spectacularly over the table, leaping desperately toward Sora --

And the leaning tower of china. Expensive, expensive china. Sora looked dumbstruck, a little cup help in his hand as the gigantic cabinet teetered back and forth, about to crush his little body underneath its bulk. A few cups jumped to the floor, prefering suicide to the inevitable doom of being crushed under a cabinet.

Mr. Leonhart (the only thing Roxas knew him as, actually) gave a mighty roar and launched Sora out of the way, long legs streaming behind the speeding bullet that was his body. He fell to the linoleum floor in a messy heap, letting out a groan -- then a scream, which was soon drowned out by a loud SLAM and the horrible sound of expensive china breaking in large quantities.

"Holy shit," Riku said softly, standing up.

It was like the Wizard of Oz, Roxas thought, where the Wicked Witch gets crushed under the house, only he was pretty sure his babysitter was not a witch and the cabinet was not a house. His face began to twitch, then . . . he laughed. Not on purpose. But damn. How the Hell could this day get worse? Ha ha ha! HA HA HA!

"We have to help him!" Sora freaked, throwing the glass over his shoulder and kneeling besides the cabinet, regardless of the glass slattered everywhere. He began to helplessly tug at the cabinet, freaking out. "Riku! Roxas! He's gonna die!"

"Here I come!" Riku said, hobbling to Sora's side and pulling his leg along with him, his cast making it hard for him to kneel.

"HA HA HA!" Roxas screamed, falling to the floor laughing.

"I can't breathe!" Mr. Leonhart yelled, voice muffled. His legs kicked out feebly. Sora started to hyperventilate.

"Don't die!" he yelled, squeezing his fingers under the large piece of furniture. "Riku, get on the other side!"

Roxas was in fierce pain. Usually laughing was a pleasant experience, but psychotic laughter kind of hurt. Man. He picked himself from the floor a bit, peeling a wet sock from his face. Distantly he was aware that his two kinda- sorta-friends were erecting his china cabinet single-handedly and that his babysitter might be horribly injured or dead. He started to laugh again, helpless.

What a lame day.

* * *

"What a lame day," Riku mumbled, gripping the babysitter's ankles with difficulty as he and Sora hefted him across the kitchen. The poor guy was either dead or knocked out- either way they were going to move him from the large heap of glass he had been lying in. "Hey Roxas, think you could lend a hand?" What was this guy, a billion pounds?

Roxas looked at Riku blankly, swallowing a huge bite of semi-cold pizza. "Hey Riku, wanna not make out in my bush?" Okay, so he felt a bit . . . snarky. He was totally freakin' justified. His life sucked like . . . a sucking thing. Like an octopus leg. His life sucked like an octopus leg, yeah! And those things could rip your face off with sheer suckage.

Sora smiled nervously at Riku, making his stomach do all kinds of freaky things. "We can do it, Riku. He's not that heavy . . . and it was my fault." He shuffled back towards the living area, Mr. Leonhart and Riku in tow.

Roxas noted belatedly that Sora's pants were stil not zipped up. He ate more pizza to block the thought. It worked. He watched with dull interest as Sora and Riku manhandled his babysitter into his living room, bumping his head on the wall a few times and dropping him thrice. Oh well. Not like anything else could really hurt him further, right? Right.

After a while a large thump was heard, presumably Mr. Leonhart's body hitting the sofa. Either that or Riku had jumped Sora in his living room, but Roxas really hoped not. There was no hose inside his house, only scalding coffee. And broken glass. Plenty of that.

Sora's head popped into view, looking cheerful despite all the chaos that was taking place. Chaos that was caused by him. Roxas frowned. Sora was not allowed to be happy. He sucked and broke stuff and . . . and bush. The bush was a big one in Roxas' book.

"Um, do you need any help with the glass?" He motioned at the large pile of glass heaped from where the cabinet had fallen. It sparkled prettily. 'Look at me, I cost a billion dollars!' it seemed to say, taunting Roxas. Maybe his parents wouldn't notice. Maybe they wouldn't notice that his babysitter was pretty much comatose, either? Roxas felt like crying, but he willed himself to be a strong man. Strong men did not cry!

"I think you should go home," Roxas said quietly, staring at the glass.

"But--" Sora tried valiantly, but his weak attempts at producing a sentence were quashed by Roxas.

"Bye, Sora. Bye, Riku. Nice seeing you."

"But Roxas, let me explain, don't be mad--"

"I'm not mad," Roxas said in his 'I'm not mad voice', which actually was quite frightening and mad-sounding. "In fact, we should do this again." Like, never.

Sora stood in the doorway of his living room, looking a bit hurt. "I'm sorry for the bush thing," he said softly. "If that's what you're mad about." He took a second to zip his pants up. "Aren't we sorry, Riku?"

Riku looked ashamed. "Sorry." He slowly extracted a shard of glass from his hand, watching in interest as blood spurted from the wound. Roxas twitched as some of it landed on his favorite socks, staining the pink argyle red.

"Yeah. It's cool. I just . . . have some homework I need to do," Roxas said lamely, not looking either boy in the eye. "Math homework. Lots of it. Two hundred quadratic hyperboles or something. Gotta get started." He didn't even know what a hyperbole was, but if it got Riku and Sora gone then he was willing to use it to his advantage. It sounded like a dessert, like one covered in almonds or something.

"Okay," Sora said in a hesitant tone, wincing as Riku bled near him. "I . . . I'll see you at school, then. And we can have lunch together or . . . talk. Something."

Roxas didn't look up from the empty stack of pizza boxes on his table, his eyes glazed. "Soemthing. Yeah." He didn't even look up to see Sora and Riku walk (and limp) out of his house, the door shutting softly behind them.

After a while, he pulled a normal cup from the cabinet and poured himself a cup of coffee. Somewhere his phone was ringing, his babysitter was moaning in pain and the pile of glass collapsed into itself loudly, but Roxas didn't hear anything except the sounds of his brain cracking into a million pieces.

* * *

It was a shame, really, that Axel decided to leave before the pizza arrived, being that he was the one who had bitched and moaned until Cloud had ordered it.

"Save me some," he demanded in a pleading tone, pulling on his hooded sweater with some difficulty. Finally, his messy, wild hair emerged from the inside of the garment, followed closely by his head. He gave Cloud some amazing puppy eyes. "I'll be back soon." Actually, if he had his way, he wouldn't, but he still wanted his share of pizza.

Cloud stared at him from where he was meticulously cleaning the microwave, for lack of better things to do. He chipped off a piece of burnt cheese from the rotating plate-thing, grimacing. "Where are you going?" Not like he really cared, but it was nice to act like he was somewhat concerned. Maybe if he let the microwave run for an hour on high it would . . . burn all the gross things off by itself. He shrugged and punched in an hour. Beep.

"I'm going . . . out." Axel waffled, not really wanting to admit to Cloud that he was really going to stalk Roxas until he went to go get ice cream with him since he wasn't answering his phone. He frowned. "Are you cooking something?" He gestured towards the empty microwave, which appeared to be on.

Cloud shrugged. "No. I'm experimenting." Nothing was burning yet.

Axel gave him an odd look. "Uh, I see. Anyway, save me a few slices of pizza or soemthing. I'll pay you back later, okay?" He paused at the door, awaiting an answer.

Cloud arched his back, letting out the "mmmmmnice" sound people let out when they nabbed a few tight muscles with a particulary nice stretch. A few vertebrae popped loudly. Then he realized that Axel was still there and staring at him like he wanted something. What an annoying guy. "What?"

"Pizza? Save me some?" Axel reminded, feeling jittery. What if Roxas was, like, caught under a lawn mower or drowning in his bathtub and these few extra minutes of pizza-talk were the very few minutes that could mean life or death!

Cloud shrugged noncommitally. "Maybe."

Axel smiled largely, whipping the door open. "Thanks a lot! See you later, man!" And with that he was gone, a veritable tornado of hormones and red hair. Cloud frowned and stood up to shut the door--

" . . . It's you." It was 'you', 'you' meaning Tidus, of course, and Cloud wondered a bit at the way his mouth felt funny when he saw him. Like he was smiling or something crazy like that. Weird.

Tidus waved, transferring the pizza boxes from one hand to the other in order to do so. He shuffled a bit in the doorway, giving Cloud the same "I want something" look that Axel had pulled not a full two minutes ago. Only it was, like, a billion times more appealing on Tidus, because it made his eyes all big and sparkly and--

"You can come in," Cloud said finally, ducking his head somewhat in embarrasment. Was he staring? He hoped not. That could be weird. He closed the door after Tidus meandered in -- was he wearing cologne? Had he always worn cologne? Was Cloud going mental? Oh God, it was the microwave. It was nuking his brain, sending little radioactive crazy-waves at him . . . .

"So," Tidus started, setting the pizzas on the table, politely resisting the urge to eat the entirety of their pizza-like persons. "How have you been?"

Cloud sat down, staring at the microwave. Tidus sat across from him, taking off his stupid pizza visor, hair flipping cutely. Cloud's mouth went funky and dry. The cologne scent was strong, now, floating over the pizza and screwing with his mind. God, he hadn't felt so weird since puberty, and that had only been one hormonal year, so long ago--

'Hi, Cloud,' something said in his mind, freaking him out. 'I think it's time we got to know each other. My name is H. Ormone, and I've been patiently waiting for a long time. I mean, you've never really needed me before, being a social recluse and all, but all those years of being pent up have made me kind of antsy. Your friend sure does smell good.'

By this age, Cloud had long ago learned to ignore mental voices. He swallowed loudly, wetting his tongue. It would go away. "I'm great," he replied in a normal voice to Tidus, opening a box of pizza. "You sure look hot today."

Tidus stared at him. "W-what!"

'Sorry,' Mr. H. Ormone said in a very not-sorry tone, almost smirking in his little corner of Cloud-brain. 'Did I mention that I'm going to really screw your life up and make you do awkward things from here on out? Because I am. Sorry about that, kid, but you have been neglecting my good friend P. Enis for way too long now. Time to open your eyes!'

Cloud took a deep, comforting breath. "I mean, it must be hot, delivering pizza. Yeah." His palms began to sweat. "Wanna watch some TV or something while we eat?" Good cover up. TV solved everything, especially weird mix-ups of the tongue. Of the tongue. Oh god, why was the thought of tongues hot? He grabbed a piece of pizza and shoved it in his mouth before that track of thought could continue.

Tidus nodded at Cloud in approval. "I see you've finally gotten to like pizza! Do you have cable?" He was already standing up, grabbing the box of pizza and heading towards the couch. After a moment of consideration, he reached a hand out to Cloud to help the guy up.

Cloud took Tidus' hand and almost choked on his pizza.

'Doesn't his hand feel nice and warm? Don't you want it to tooooouch you?' Mr. H. Ormone taunted meanly, making the hairs on Cloud's neck stand straight up.

'No,' Cloud thought. 'Leave me alone. I only want pizza. Just pizza.' He sat down on the couch, handing the remote control to Tidus, who flopped on the couch in general glee, palming a large slice of pizza. He flipped on the television and continued to smell like really, really nice cologne.

Cloud continued to stuff his face, hoping to avert any further thought on the whole 'Tidus' subject.

They were about halfway into a weird science fiction cop reality show when Cloud noticed two things: a) his stomach hurt from all of the pizza he had eaten and b) Tidus was sitting really close. Like, really close. Like, the hairs on their arms were brushing close. He resisted to urge to throw up in nervousness.

"I love this part!" Tidus enthused, watching in enthralled interest as a space clown shot at a robo-cop. He casually slung his arm around Cloud's shoulder in what could totally have been considered a very platonic touch. Just two guys sitting on a couch, eating pizza and watching violent television. Nothing weird. Nope.

Cloud started to breathe erratically. Did he smell? Was he too bony? Could Tidus see that pimple that wouldn't go away on his eyebrow? Could he hear him breathing weirdly? Did he like him?

Cloud had the feeling that he was thinking like a thirteen-year-old on a date. He began to hyperventilate. Why couldn't he breathe? Why did Tidus smell so good? Why was his arm on him? Why were they watching robo-cops shooting at clowns? Why--

There is a point when the body does not recieve enough oxygen to the brain. It is at this point that a person will most likely be found passing out.

Tidus laughed loudly as a space-bus crashed into what looked to be a dance- dance-whatever machine and exploded into a thousand flaming arrows. "Hahaha! Man, that's great, isn't -- Cloud?" He shook Cloud lightly. Aw, the poor guy fell asleep at a good part. Tidus frowned and slid his arm from around the smaller man, feeling a bit let down. Cloud was pretty weird, but a lot of fun at the same time, kind of like a three-legged dog. They don't look fun until you take the time to play with them.

Cloud shivered and made a weird noise in his 'sleep'. Little did Tidus know he was just attempting to regain consciousness.

"Aw, he's cold," Tidus said softly, turning off the TV and standing up quietly. He picked up the empty pizza box and thew it away, pulling on his shoes. He should probably go, but he felt kind of bad, just leaving Cloud there, shivering alone on the couch -- "A blanket," he decided. It was the right thing to do. Only there were no blankets within immediate sight.

Never let it be said that Tidus was not an ingenuitive one, for he took the initiative to open what looked like a bedroom door. It wasn't a big deal, right? A little invasion of privacy never hurt anyone, especially if it was for a good cause. cloud was a good cause. He was too cute to die of hypothermia.

Tidus made quick work of stripping the bed (which he assumed was Cloud's bed, considering the blankets had little clouds on them, an example of irony). It was a few quick steps from the door of the room to the couch, where he unloaded his armful of thick comforter onto the shivering man who lay there . . . shivering and looking generally unhappy. Tidus' heart warmed and he tucked the edges of the blanket into the couch.

Then, before he could really help it, he was leaning down and very gently kissing the very top of Cloud's head. "See you later," he murmured, grabbing his pizza visor. "And this one's on me."

Somewhere in the universe, a Mr. H. Ormone and a Mr. P. Enis gave each other a high five.

* * *

AN: Yes, yes, not a lot of Axel lately. BUT HEY! He'll be in the next chapter a lot, I can promise. Pinky swear.

Next chapter by Thursday. Giving myself a little vacation, mes amis. :D And it will be... I will shoot for like, seven thousand words. I will TRY LIKE BEAST!


	17. Chapter 17

AN: LONG AUTHOR NOTE TIME!

I guess I have an apology to make. D: This chapter is late by more than a week. I thank everyone for being so crazily patient. :D I was just a little... thrown off by that whole sporking thing, but now I'm over it. :D I was about to give up on this story, but then I realized that I would be giving up something I really liked just because some people decided to make fun of it, which is pretty wimpy. I AM NO WIMP, I SAY. I got over it and moved on.

Also, I'm not going to promise chapter dates from now on. School's about to start, I have no internet to speak of, and... school's about to start. -laugh- I had to physically tear myself from my senior art series to type this. Because... procrastination never works, kids. Especially in art homework. Shiiiiiit. -collects thoughts-

Um, some people have been leaving fanart-offers in their reviews. -guilty- I have no internet anymore, so I kind of read my reviews on my cell phone. I have no way to reply! -distress- But you don't have to ask! Haha! Ilovefanarttoomuch. Is that egotistical to love something someone drew for you? I hope not... Hm. :D :D :D

So! Here is chapter seventeen (finally, dammit), and I love everyone who reviewed. You guys are such an awesome... audience? Is that what you are? Hm. Well, whatever you are, thank you for all of your feedback and stuff. :D :D

It's kind of a filler chapter.

A FILLER CHAPTER WITH ACTION!

* * *

Roxas was pretty sure someone had been knocking on his door for the past five minutes. In fact, he was also pretty sure that his cell phone had rang no less than ten times in the past twenty, but the fact of the matter was he was in no state to really care about it. In fact, he was on his third cup of lukewarm black coffee, his babysitter was knocked out on his couch, his family's precious china was reduced to bite-sized pieces... yep, he could care less whether someone wanted to see him or not. He had had enough of people for the next zillion years.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

Roxas took a meditative breath, willing himself to ignore the obnoxious noise of fist meeting wood. Mmm, sugarless coffee. Just drink the sugarless coffee, Roxas, and take nice, deep breaths.

The person at his door began knocking the tune of 'Chopsticks', either that or they had just gotten tired of the nice, slow knocking and decided to speed things up. Either way, it was annoying as hell. Roxas growled and grabbed at the last slice of pizza sitting cold and forlorn in the box.

Then the knocking stopped.

Roxas sighed thankfully, burying his head in his hands, pizza long gone.

Then the ringing began again.

"ARGH!" Roxas wasn't a violent person in general, but he did not hesitate in chucking his much-doctored cell phone into the living room. It skittered across the carpet and sparked mournfully at him, obviously oblivious to the cause of its punishment.

"Whatever," Roxas said to no one in particular. He should probably do something to take his mind off his life. Yeah. Like that math homework that he had lied about or something. Didn't he have a book to read for English? Some boring historical romance? He hefted himself from the table with a grunt, grabbing his coffee cup while he was at it to throw it into the sink. He made his way towards the stairs, peeking in on Mr. Leonhart as he passed. The guy looked fine, if not a bit pale. Eh. He would get over it.

Roxas peered out the little window of his front door as he passed it, leaning up on tiptoes to squint out at the bright daytime landscape of his neighborhood. Thankfully, whoever had been knocking was long gone- the only thing moving in sight was the neighbor's cat, slinking in between some hedges across the street. Roxas glared at it, turning around to-

Fall on his ass. Hard.

"Ow," Roxas said sullenly, staring up at the entryway ceiling. Something fluttered belatedly onto his forehead, as if to insult his lack of coordination and balance. He reached up, grouchy, to remove it.

It was a little piece of paper, folded neatly in half. Roxas stared at it. "I slipped on you," he told it dully, opening it.

"Dear Roxas," the forehead-paper read. "I'm sitting on your front porch. I got tired of knocking. Yours truly, Axel. PS: Want some ice cream?"

Roxas stared at the paper in disbelief. The paper stared back happily, glaring its happy handwriting at him. Roxas blinked, feeling quite numbed to the oddness that was beginning to be his life. So. Axel had been sitting on his porch for the past...what, twenty minutes? knocking and sitting and all-around annoying the living shit out of Roxas just to drag him out to get a freaking ice cream cone. Yeah. That sounded like Axel.

Roxas levered himself to his knees and opened the door, squinting out.

"Hi!" Said Axel, who had been leaning against the door. He smiled happily at Roxas, eyes bright.

Oh god. Roxas shut the door.

"What's going on?" Axel said in a muffled voice.

Roxas curled against the door, not really wanting to move. Even ice cream didn't sound appealing. "Nothing is going on." He said loudly, hoping Axel could hear him. Actually, he didn't care if he could hear him or not. "I don't feel well." People who didn't feel well couldn't go out for ice cream. Everyone knew that.

"Oh." Axel said.

"Yep." Roxas concluded. That was that. Sorry, Axel, but he just wasn't in the mood to be wooed or fed. "Sorry."

Axel didn't talk after that for a while, and Roxas held the false hope that he had decided to leave. Maybe he had other things to do, other people to woo and feed... whoa, Roxas hadn't been expecting that wave of weird bitterness. Man, this day had just put him in a foul mood all around-

"Can I come in for a bit? We could just talk or something."

What Axel was proposing was that they sat in Roxas' house and talked, Roxas reiterate to himself. Which was weird, because that seemed like a pretty normal thing for teenagers to do. And that meant his day could be somewhat normal, maybe. Talking. In his house, No, that didn't seem too bad.

He totally overlooked the 'something' Axel had added on.

"Fine," Roxas relented, opening the door suddenly enough to make Axel tumble in, lying at his feet. "You can come in for a few minutes. To talk."

Axel grinned up at him, teeth white and glimmery in the sun. "Nice angle."

Roxas frowned. "Stop being perverted and get in already," He directed, opening the door wide enough for Axel to get in. "And be quiet, okay?" He didn't want Axel waking up Mr. Leonhart or anything- the last thing he needed was his new-babysitter tattling on him for having a... male... friend. He wasn't so sure how his parents would take that. He would probably have a babysitter until he was thirty, then, and by then he would be old and wrinkly and too creaky in the joints to really have some old-fashioned teenage groping. Not like he wanted to grope Axel, or anything. It was just a theoretical thing. Yeah.

Axel slipped past Roxas and into the house, close enough that Roxas could smell him. Damn it all, he smelled good. Were boys normally supposed to smell so good? Because really, Roxas was still clinging to that small hope of a 'normal' day, and he really didn't think that he was supposed to notice how good some guy smelled if he was just coming into his house to talk.

Then again, it really wasn't normal if the guy coming into his house had a few fading hickeys on his neck, not quite covered up by the hood of his sweatshirt. Hickeys from him. Not-normal hickeys. Nope. Homo-hickeys. Big ol' homo-hickeys. just sitting there, all fading and sad and kinda-hot...

'Sorry,' Hopes-of-a-normal-day said to Roxas, patting him on the shoulder. 'But I'm of no use here. May you live in interesting times, young man.'

"So..." Axel began, shifting a bit. Roxas had a decidedly defeated look on his face, glaring at his shoes. "What's up?"

Up. Roxas thought. What's up. Ha. NOTHING IS UP, AXEL. EVERYTHING IS DOWN. MY MOOD, MY HOPES OF A NORMAL DAY, MY MOTHER's CHINA. DOWN, DOWN, DOWN. Roxas forced a smile. "The ceiling."

"Ha ha," Axel said, sticking out his tongue. "Really-"

Roxas' heart jumped in his chest as a loud coughing erupted from his living room. Shit, he really didn't feel like explaining to Axel why exactly there was a hot older man lying unconscious on his couch, suddenly. Really, the babysitter thing was kinda out of left field.

Axel frowned, curious. "What was-"

"Let's go to my room," Roxas said loudly, clamping his hand to Axel's wrist and bodily dragging him towards the stairs. "I have this new video game we can play." Good one, Roxas. Distract him with something violent! Boys loved violence, especially digitally simulated violence.

"I like video games," Axel offered, in no position to protest seeing as Roxas was dragging him pretty forcefully up his stairs. He wasn't lying, actually. He liked video games a lot, but they weren't much fun when the only person you had to play them with was Cloud. It was almost mean to beat Cloud at anything. "Are you any good at them?"

Roxas let go of Axel's hand, having reached the top of the stairs, successfully out of the Mr.Leonhart-hearing-range. He shrugged. "I dunno. Kinda." He didn't want to admit that he was extremely awesome at video games, because that might seem egotistical. He opted for a modest shrug. "I'm okay at them." Some strange part of him relished the prospect of causing violence to something, whether it be real or digital. Like a stress ball kind of thing, only with more screaming and blood. He padded down the hall to his room and opened the door.

"You can come in. It's kind of messy," Roxas invited, letting a strangely quiet Axel into his room.

'OH MY GOD I'M GOING IN ROXAS' ROOM SWEET.' Axel thought intelligently, desperately trying to quell the sudden jump of his hormones. Rooms meant beds. Bed... y0u could do a lot on a bed. Play chess, sleep, watch tv, make out with Roxas, read a book, undress Roxas... He took a brave step forward, into Roxas' room. This was no big deal. He could control himself.

Roxas' room was nothing special, really. Just an average room, a bed pushed off into he corner, a tv on a little stand, a dresser and a closet. There were a few posters here and there, sports and stuff, a few dirty socks piled on the floor. Axel watched in interest as Roxas tried to discreetly toe what looked like an empty popsicle box under the bed.

"Uh, you can sit on my bed or something." Roxas instructed, waving his hand at his bed and Axel. Axel gleefully noted that Roxas' comforter had cute little star designs all over it. He sat on it happily and watched as Roxas extracted a GameStation from underneath his television stand.

Ugh. It was always a bitch and a half plugging this thing into the tv. Roxas frowned, cord in hand, and wriggled into the space between the tv and the wall. He bit his tongue and deftly maneuvered his hand towards the little sprocket on the back of his television, thrusting the plug towards it. Just a little further...

It was with total dazed glee that Axel watched current proceedings, eyes on the half of Roxas' little body not wedged behind the tv. Cute. He was wearing stripey boxers. Aw! Axel tried not to look totally perverted as he scoped out the tight curve of Roxas' butt. Nope. No perverted thoughts going on at all. Pure thoughts. Fields of flowers. Oceans! Puppies! Roxas bent over further, more of his boxers coming into view as his pants slipped down a bit further. The puppies in Axel's brain fled the oncoming tsunami of dirty thoughts.

"Player one or two?" Roxas asked, appearing from behind the television. He hefted two controllers in his hands.

Axel blinked. "Huh?"

"One or two?" Roxas repeated, a little annoyed.

Axel shook his head. "Uh, it doesn't matter." He took a controller from Roxas, their fingers brushing. Axel felt like he was going to explode. Really, it wasn't as if Roxas' hands were anything special. Get a grip on yourself, man. You're just here to play video games, nothing else. Yeah. Some good old button mashing. Nothing sexual. Nope.

Roxas seated himself at Axel's feet, eyes fixated on the tv. They made it past the character selection scene after a while, Roxas indecisive on whether to pick a beefy, powerful guy or a little, fast guy. Or a girl, but the boobs tended to distract him. Little fast guy it was, then. Axel picked some girly man also, feet tapping impatiently on the floor next to Roxas.

It was intense. Axel's guy, though girly, had a wicked kick, while Roxas' character beat at his uselessly with what seemed to be a stick with flowers spurting from it uselessly. Fuck. He should have gone for a girl, then he could have suffocated Axel in his gigantic amount of cleavage. Roxas growled and mashed buttons furiously but lost anyway.

"Haha!" Axel crowed, toeing Roxas' thigh in victory. "Next time don't pick such a wimpy guy, Roxas."

Roxas squirmed away from Axel's foot, setting his controller aside grumpily. "Stoppit."

Axel grinned. "Why?" He poked Roxas harder, face evil as the smaller boy wriggled unhappily. "You ticklish or something?"

"Or something," Roxas ground out, grabbing Axel's foot. When did the other boy take off his shoes? Huh. "I'm not ticklish. Just... sensitive."

Axel shook his foot free, chuckling. "I'm sure." He wasn't convinced, not by the way Roxas was all blushy-blushy like.

"No, really. I'm not ticklish." Roxas said angrily, picking up his controller to press some buttons. Stupid Axel. His thigh tingled in a 'haha I'm such a ticklish spot' way. Stupid thigh. He focused on choosing a cool, buff character, ignoring the way Axel was staring at him.

What happened next was an incredible feat of not only the science of bodily propulsion but also of extreme, cool catlike reflexes.

How Axel managed to get not only off the bed but also /over/ Roxas without Roxas seeing was always to remain a mystery to Roxas. Roxas yelled loudly as he suddenly found himself pinned to the floor, controller flying from his hand to skitter uselessly next to...hey, Axel's shoes. So he had taken them off-

"What the hell!" Roxas squirmed, face waaaaay too close to Axel's own grinning one for comfort. "Get off me!" Rape! Rape!

Axel licked his lips, tongue wet and shiny. "I don't think so." He said lowly, hands moving to Roxas' sides.

Roxas began to freak out, hands pinned conveniently under Axel's knees. How the hell had the boy managed that! Oh shit, he really was gonna get raped. And he had trusted Axel enough to let him into his room and play video games! He had trusted him enough to take him on a friendly date! He was going to get raped while his babysitter was asleep on his couch! How sadly ironic. "Getoffplease," He spazzed, eyes wide and panicked.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Axel said smoothly, eyes dark. His fingers made swift work of pulling Roxas' shirt up to his ribs, exposing his back to the cold, hardwood of the floor. He stared at the cute little dip of Roxas belly button for a second, entranced, before remembering he was on a mission. "In fact, I'm going to...DO THIS!"

It was awful. Not only could Roxas not breathe but he also couldn't control the tears flowing from his eyes. Axel was a merciless attacker, fingers everywhere at once, pressing into Roxas' ribs and stomach and back and hey, nipple! Roxas flailed uselessly, helpless against the torture being bestowed upon him.

It was worse than rape.

In fact, it was worse than any kind of torture. Even having bamboo slats shoved under his fingernails, even worse than Chinese water torture. Anything would be better than... better than...

Tickling. Fucking tickling.

"AHAHAHA! STOP! PLEASE!" Roxas shouted, face red and wet with tears. His hands, now free, beat uselessly at Axel's chest, too weak in his hysterics to do any damage. His stomach convulsed painfully as Axel wiggled his fingers all over his torso, laughing.

"Say uncle!" Axel ordered, tweaking Roxas' ribs.

Roxas rolled his head back, toes curling. "Ah! Ah! Uncle!" He squealed, hating himself completely and totally. Real men were able to control being ticklish. Real men didn't turn into squirming, laughing putty after a few minutes of tickling! "UNCLE!"

Axel relented, hands stopping. "You said you weren't ticklish," He teased, smoothing his palms over Roxas' ribs in an apologetic manner.

"So you throw me to the floor and tickle me till I pee myself." Roxas said dully, finally having control over himself. Not like he peed himself for real or anything, though that would serve Axel right. He rubbed his cheeks dry, feeling a bit pissy. "Way to get on my good side." His stomach hurt from laughing so hard.

Axel shrugged. "I was just playing around," he said laughingly, hands patting Roxas' belly, a finger straying to dip into his bellybutton, kinda unable to help himself.

Roxas coughed lightly, cheesy video game music playing on in the background. "Get off of me," he said roughly, bucking up slightly. It would royally suck if, say, Mr. Leonhart were to walk in on this. Yeah, it's totally okay, Mr. Babysitter. We always lie on the floor on top of each other. It's friendly bonding. Like painting fingernails, only with more testosterone.

Yeah, that really didn't sound too convincing.

"You never told me," Axel said suddenly, not moving from his seat on Roxas' thighs. He kinda liked it there- well, he really liked it there, considering Roxas made him feel like a volcano was bubbling over in his stomach, even more now that he was all panty and flushed and- Axel smiled. Nice. "You never told me whether you would go to the concert or not. With me. After the date and all."

Roxas blinked. "I'll go." He said blankly, his legs kind of falling asleep. "Now get off of me." Like he would pass up on Soul Harvest. Pssh. Axel must be like, taking crazy-pills or something. "I still haven't beaten you in the game, yet-" He motioned towards the television.

"I don't care about the game," Axel said softly. He really didn't- the air between them had changed- no longer playful, but... yeah. Sexy air. Something like that, some weird feeling that came from touching Roxas, having him so close. "Maybe we can do some... like the date?" His hands fisted in his pant legs, his eyes suddenly unable to look Roxas straight on. It was weird, really weird, but if Roxas said no right now... it would hurt. Any other time he would brush it off- but yeah, it was weird.

Roxas frowned. "Hey, I never... agreed to anything like that, you know." Oh man, Axel was getting that look on him, the one that said 'Hey, Roxas, I think I'm about to touch you in ways that aren't allowed to be televised except on those special, pay-per-view channels'. Except... he kind of looked sad, too. Kind of. A bit self-conscious even, but it could have been Roxas' imagination. Either way, it made him feel almost guilty. It wasn't as if he really hated... fooling around with Axel, or whatever they did. But it wasn't like he liked it, either. Yeah. Decisions, decisions. Normal day with nice, manly video games or freaky day with friends who made out in bushes and falling china and Axel having his way with him.

Axel started to stand up.

"No," Roxas said, hand shooting out on its own will to grab Axel's wrist. "Okay. Just... just a little, okay?" He looked away, nervous suddenly. "Nothing heavy or anything."

"Nothing heavy?" Axel let himself be pulled down, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips before splitting his face in a full grin. Holy crap, he was about to make out with Roxas. Awesome. Awesome! Not like it was new, or anything, but it was. Making out once almost didn't count, but twice was like cementing the deal. He kneeled over Roxas, fingers tingling. "I can deal with that."

Roxas' hands fell to the floor, limp. "Just kissing and stuff," He ordered, face heating up. His heart beat at his ribcage painfully, like it wanted out out something. Part of him thought that making out with Axel was a great idea (probably the part below the belt), and yet another part of him wished it were playing video games at the foot of his bed. It was distracting.

Axel frowned. "You don't look comfortable." If he was going to make out with Roxas the kid better damn well look like he wasn't about to be stabbed to death. It was insulting.

"The floor's cold," Roxas said without thinking, flinching when Axel's knee brushed his thigh.

Axel considered this. "We could move to the bed," He suggested. 'YES, THE BED, THE BED. LET'S GET ON THE BED, ROXAS. HAHAHA.' His hormones yelled. He ignored them. Kind of. Besides, the bed was softer and his knees were starting to hurt from kneeling.

Roxas frowned. He played video games on that bed. He did homework in that bed. He... he slept naked in that bed. It almost seemed wrong to do questionable things with Axel in that bed, like he was about to commit some horrible sacrilege to something. Like he was trespassing some invisible mental line. But the floor was pretty cold- maybe it was because his shirt was pulled up to his chin. That could be it. Then again, making out on a hard floor couldn't be too comfortable, either.

His decision was made up for him when Axel pulled him up by the hand, silent. He felt like he was walking to his death, almost, as they walked the short distance to his bed- he could almost hear the executioner's axe-

"Wanna lie down or something?" Axel said lowly, gesturing at the bed. He grinned. "I'll make it worth your while."

Roxas frowned, sitting on the edge of his bed, too apprehensive to move further. "You make it sound like I just picked you up from a street corner." He said sullenly, looking at his knees. There was a mental image he didn't need- streetwalker-Axel. Ew. He banished the thought quickly- Axel and women's clothing were never meant to meet and mingle. The bed dipped as Axel sat next to him, so close that their thighs were touching. Wow. It was getting kind of hard to breath.

"Can I kiss you?" Axel asked lightly, reaching over their legs to pull Roxas' hand out of his lap, holding it lightly. Roxas squeezed it, probably unintentionally. Like an Axel shaped stress ball!

Roxas wished he could dig a hole and die. This was so freakin' embarrassing. "Yeah." He said shortly, squeezing his eyes shut. Think happy things. Burgers. Pizza.

Then Axel kissed him, and it wasn't /so/ bad. In fact, it was kind of familiar by now- Roxas let himself relax a little, breathing lightly against Axel's nose.

"You taste like pizza," Axel giggled- no, not giggled, because giggling was pansy-like and girly. He chuckled. Yeah. "Lie back a little, my neck is getting a cramp." It wasn't, actually. He could kiss Roxas like that all day- but if they were on a bed, might as well make the best of it, right? Not that he was going to go far. Nope. He had self-control.

"Mmkay." Roxas mumbled, letting Axel maneuver him backwards. Oh, so it was his neck that smelled good. Cologne or something like that- he dug his nose deeper, sniffing. Whatever it was, it smelled really good on Axel. He licked at his neck tentatively, then harder. Some weird hormone rush was directing him on what to do, and licking was a good thing as far as it was concerned.

Axel laughed, twisting his shoulder towards his neck. "It tickles," He said lightly, pressing a kiss to Roxas' jaw, hands settled innocently on his shoulders. "Kiss me?" Kissing was good. No need to rush ahead, not when they had a nice, long Sunday and Roxas' nice, soft bed ahead of them.

Roxas shrugged and leaned up, kissing Axel cutely. They went on for a while like that, soft kissing and nothing heavy, just like Roxas had asked. Until Axel decided that he wanted to move on a little, and Roxas really didn't protest- in fact, he slid his hands into Axel's pockets, groping.

Pretty soon they were all heavy panting and hands, and oh god, that wasn't a pencil in Axel's pocket and he was happy to see him. Roxas covered his face with a sloppy hand, whimpering as Axel gnawed at his neck, making slick, wet noises. Ew.

Then he stopped and went back to kissing Roxas' cheek, which was kind of annoying, because that didn't feel half as good as the neck thing.

"Keep going," Roxas said, trying to keep the desperate tone from his voice. He failed miserably. "Stop teasing me."

"Teasing?" Axel said, being a smart-ass. "But I thought you didn't want to go hot and heavy. Didn't you say-"

BAM.

There was absolutely no warning.

It was in sheer shock that both Axel and Roxas turned to watch as Roxas' door exploded open, a slender leg having kicked it in. The leg drew back as if in slow motion, and a figure appeared in the doorway, angry and... angry and...

There was only one adjective Roxas could think up of.

Angry, yes. Angry and /stacked/. Stacked like pancakes.

"You boys have got a shitload of explaining to do."

* * *

AN: Yes, yes, I know. 'WHY IS THIS CHAPTER NOT FUNNY AUTHOR? WHY AM I ANGRY AT YOU?' Easily explained! I rewrote this stupid son of a bitch five times. Five. That's twenty thousand-ish words THROWN AWAY. I was so frustrated at myself... but I think I'm more comfortable now. Plus, I think Axel and Roxas needed some attention. Or something like that. So if this reads angry and frustrated... well, it was. :D But have no fear, I have started writing actual paper outlines. So I can plan stuff. -guilt-

And if it seemed like Axel'n'Roxas went too fast... well... oops. XD

...So! Next chapter soon. With stuff actually happening. -cracks knuckles-


	18. Chapter 18

Title: Super Sized!

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 18/30?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side. Tidus x Cloud waiting like a ninja to leap out and ATTACK.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither knows what to do about. AU Crackfic.

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AN: SLEEPY. Haha. Sorry about the wait, amigos. School goes good. Life good. Work good. Sleep good. I just wanted to post before I went to bed. This. Took. Forever. I love writing. But I. Love. Sleep. Night :D

AND THANK YOU ALL FOR REVIEWING! I LOVE YOU ALL AND WILL SOMEDAY BE THE WORLD'S GREATEST POLYGAMIST AND MARRY YOU ALL NOT REALLY BUT IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

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"You boys have got a shitload of explaining to do."

It was an extremely awkward moment.

No one made a move. Roxas' eyes stared unblinking at his doorway, hands frozen in the back pockets of Axel's jeans as he stared at what appeared to be a very pissed off woman. A woman he didn't know. Shit, this was how all horror movies started! The horny kids never lived very long! Roxas' freak-out instinct kicked in belatedly. Okay, man, calm down. It's okay. Analyze the situation. You were macking with Axel on your bed. Okay. No biggie. Your door was kicked open. Yep. Check. A woman with a monstrous rack is standing in your room. Okay.

Axel's tongue is /still/ in your mouth. Ugh.

"Get off of me," Roxas hissed, pressing Axel violently off of him, trying his best to plaster on a face that didn't look like it was the face of a boy who had just been dabbling in vaguely homoerotic activities. For all he knew this lady could be his mother's friend. In which case he was screwed and would prefer that she be a serial killer. He ignored Axel's pained grunt as he hit the floor, allowing Roxas some room to sit up.

"Hi," Axel said blandly, staring at the woman. Well, trying to stare at the woman. From his view certain areas of her (example: her face) were kind of blocked, but he tried his best to make polite eye contact. What he actually wanted to say was:

"ARGH YOU DUMB BITCH GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY."

But he didn't, of course, because 'Hi' was the only thing he could manage after the whole sucking-face escapade. Hormones reduced his dictionary to cute, simple words like "yessss" and "mmmm" and "nipple". So he stuck to 'hi', because yelling "NIPPLE!" angrily may not have properly routed his frustration.

Speaking of frustration, what the hell did fate have against him? Why was it that any time he got any kind of action with Roxas something like this happened? Not like there were many 'every time's, but still. Little Axel drooped in disappointment as he dusted himself off, hugging his knees. Whatever, fate. He turned to Roxas. "Uh, do you know her?"

"No," Roxas didn't know her. "Who are you?" Brilliant question. Roxas patted himself on the back.

"Who am I?" Okay, so maybe it wasn't that good of a question. The woman's hands clenched into fists, her mouth tightened into a scowl of epic anger. "Who am I? I come here to find my brother unconscious on a FUCKING COUCH bleeding from the HEAD and you ask me who the HELL am /I?"

Like a puzzle, Roxas' mind had to take her words apart and piece them together to make sense to his hormone-addled brain. Okay. Who am I. That was just an angry use of sarcasm. Ignore. Brother on couch.

On couch. Um. Roxas frowned.

'Roxas,' Roxas' brain whispered, subtle. 'Hey. Okay, old boy, who is on your couch?'

'Uh, the babysitter.' Roxas replied. 'But her brother isn't here. I would know if someone's bro- OH. OH.'

'And the hormone daze dissipates.'

'Shut the hell up.'

"Your brother is my babysitter?" Roxas said in disbelief, lifting himself into a sitting position on the edge of his bed, feet just barely touching the floor. Was Axel pouting? He tapped him lightly with his foot, a weird wash of kinda-arousal-sorta-maybe washing over him. Hey, kid. No frowning. Didn't you just get me on my bed, you wily bastard? Now you're gonna pout? Asshole. He kicked Axel harder for good measure.

"Leon is not a babysitter," the girl said loudly, as if Roxas was incredibly stupid. "You need to tell me how you lured him here and why he's suffering from a concussion." She cracked her knuckles threateningly. "Now."

Roxas stood up, hands in front of him in the international 'hey, don't hit me crazy lady' gesture. "I swear that he is my babysitter. My parents just hired him this morning. I'm a teenage deviant and need watching." He paused, thinking fast. "And... a cabinet fell on him, but he'll wake up soon. I'm sure."

"FUCK!" Roxas jumped violently as the woman punched his wall angrily, delivering a devastating kick to his paneling a moment after. Roxas exchanged a look of extreme worry with Axel, who finally stopped pouting and started to look as concerned for his life as Roxas was. The girl continued, pacing a bit, hand brushing through her hair frantically. "Do you have any idea what... Leon... Leon is not a babysitter."

"Yes he is," Roxas defended, scooting so that Axel was seated in his path. That way he would die first if the woman decided to attack, leaving Roxas a chance to escape out to window. "He ordered pizza and-"

"You don't understand." The woman spoke in a tone that made it clear that Roxas really didn't understand and that he needed to shut his blonde ass up before the crazy lady went psycho and killed him horribly and made Axel watch and then killed him next and laughed all the while. "Leon is- Leon isn't the babysitting kind, okay?"

"Is he a model?" Roxas blurted, unable to keep his suspicions silent. Axel shot him an odd look. It kinda looked like... jealousy. Odd. Why would Axel be jealous? He could probably be a model too, but then again he was kinda too skinny and his hips were too wide for any manly fashion and his features were too pointed in places and-

Oh. That's why Roxas was getting the look.

The girl seemed to almost calm herself down, her eyes closed as she took very deep breaths. "He's not a model." She said slowly, putting a hand to her temple. "He's a mental patient."

A silence fell.

"But... he ordered pizza." Roxas said weakly- how could anyone who ordered pizza be mental? Leon didn't act mental. "I don't believe you."

"You don't?" The girl laughed, crossing her arms across her chest- an impressive feat. "He's got the most serious case of spontaneous amnesia on this side of the hemisphere-"

"Spontaneous amnesia!" Axel frowned in disbelief. "I've never heard of that before."

"It's very rare. He's had it since he was ten, and I've been helping him ever since. I'm surprised he got here at all without forgetting where he was going." The girl sighed heavily. "And now... I don't know what you've done to him-"

Roxas had had enough. It was time he stopped letting his day suck- in fact, he was reversing the suckage as of now. He was kind of horny, he was angry, he was... house-invaded-y, he was even hungry, and now his babysitter was supposedly crazy. Uh huh. NO WAY JOSE. "Oh yeah? He's crazy?" Roxas crossed his arms, adopting a smart-ass tone. "Then how did my parents get hold of him? They were interviewing babysitters all morning- no way they would have called him on accident." Or would they have? No time to doubt them now. Yeah. So answer that, boob-girl, or get out and let him finish making out a little.

"Really now." The girl palmed her face, looking exasperated beyond all belief. "I run a babysitting service- Leon must have taken the call on accident and gotten in into his head that he could do it." Her expression turned a bit softer, sad around the edges. "I should have never taken my eyes off of him..."

"….Wait, you're a babysitter?" Roxas pointed vindictively at her, eyes narrowing. 'And your psycho brother stole your job and now he probably is even more mental because of massive head trauma.' He added mentally, wincing. 'And the bastard ate a lot of my pizza. He was psycho-hungry. Great. Now my couch is covered in psycho-germs.'

"I don't understand why you had a babysitter in the first place." Axel muttered at Roxas' feet, watching the proceedings with a sense of detached confusion, eyeing Roxas' bed with longing and eyeing Roxas with a pair of unconsciously donned puppy eyes. He was generally ignored.

"Yes, I'm the babysitter." The woman shifted around, pulling a small slip of paper from her jeans and holding it up. "Tifa Lockheart."

Roxas considered this. "But…. Your brother is Mr. /Leon/heart."

Tifa frowned. "Dammit, he must have forgotten his last name again." She thrust her card at Roxas. "Here, take this. I…. I need to take my brother home now-"

"To the hospital might be a better idea," Roxas said dully, taking the card daintily between two fingers and regarding it with a sense of disdain.

Tifa scowled. "I'll get back to your parents about the whole issue of babysitting," she said stiffly. "Their number is on my caller I.D., so I'll get back to you soon. Brother or not I still have a business to run."

Roxas snorted. "This is so freaking ridiculous. I'm seventeen." Seventeen going on two in he eyes of his parents.

"By the way you were clawing at your little boyfriend, it seems to me that you need some kind of discipline." Tifa said snarkily, stepping out of the room.

Roxas stared at her, doing his best impression of a dying goldfish ever performed by his face.

"I still don't see why you need a babysitter." Axel repeated.

"I'm getting the feeling," Roxas said slowly, eyes fixed on the doorway. Hey, the chick had actually made a dent in his wall. "I think that my life has hit rock bottom." Nothing could possibly be worse (knock on wood). Even his babysitter was a freaking reject from psycho-ville.

Axel snickered, unable to help himself, really. Ha ha, bottom. "We could always-"

Roxas sat on the side of his bed, sighing heavily. "No." He did not want any more of this dilly-dally-with-Axel nonsense- god knows his tongue would explode or his penis would invert or something so amazingly sucktacular would take place that his day would be fucked up beyond all comprehension. "No date stuff, Axel. I'm not in the mood."

Axel frowned and scooted forward, eyes level to Roxas' knees. "Should I go?"

'DON'T MAKE ME GO ROXAS I'LL BE GOOD REALLY AND TRULY,' Axel's mind said in a pleading manner, but Axel didn't dare vocalize it- he had already pushed Roxas too much today, really, had gone too far-

"You don't have to go." Roxas said softly. "I just can't think right now. Too much has happened today to think. Thinking isn't an option." He let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding, flopping himself back onto his bed with a little noise.

"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep." Said Roxas' brain, making the noise that a channel of television makes when there is nothing to broadcast and the little color-bars are there instead. He resisted the urge to smother himself with a pillow. It probably wouldn't be a good impression on Axel if he tried to commit suicide in front of him. He would probably think it was because of his frenching skills or something, which wasn't that far from the trusth. Axel was a pretty sloppy kisser, which wasn't a horribly bad thing n the whole, but still-

Roxas blinked as Axel leaned his head on his knee, sighing. "We could play the video game," Axel offered, waving his hand invitingly towards the television. "Release some steam, maybe? Beat some pixelated face in?"

Roxas wasn't in the mood for beating face or sucking face. "Nice just laying here." He said with much effort. Wow, stress was soporific. Sounded kind of like a band name, almose. Soporific Stress. They could tour with Soul Harvest or something. Yeah. He would so be the guitarist, Axel could play the drums, Sora could sing-

Horrible idea. Sora sang like cats screeched. He furrowed his eyebrows at the thought and slung an arm over his eyes. Maybe he could just sleep. Wake up early to do his homework or-

Plump.

Roxas took his nice warm arm from over his face, frowning at the lump of Axel staring at him from the other half of the bed. His brain instantly started thinking hormone-y thoughts like: 'look at Axel's pretty eyes' and 'Axel has such nice red hair' or 'Axel sure is something you could hump'. Roxas felt like whimpering but instead replaced the arm over his eyes. "I'm going to sleep, if you want to go home."

An acceptable answer then would have been something like "Of course, Roxas, I will be a perfect gentlemen and let myself out so you can sleep away the stress of your horrible, awful day."

Axel's answer of "I don't." was not only unacceptable but also kind of creepy.

"You have to," Roxas said. "I'm tired and I want to sleep." GO AWAY AXEL I AM CRANKY AND YOU NEED TO GO NOW IF YOU LIKE TO BE A GENITAL-HAVING CREATURE.

Axel smiled, kind of unable to help himself. Roxas was like, the most adorable thing ever when he got all pms-y and growly. A smart man would have taken his leave by now, he had realized... but... "Just fifteen minutes?" Axel said softly, pleading almost. "I'll bring you a burger tomorrow." Oh, cheap shot, but he was desperate.

"Make it two."

"Three."

Roxas couldn't argue with that. "Three sounds gre-aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh." The last part of his sentence was ripped to shreds by an enourmous yawn. Sheep crowded at the edge of his mental pastured, begging to be counted. Baaaah, count us, baaaaah.

Axel scooted closer to Roxas, pillowing his head on his arm and watching the other boy with almost rapt attention. Before a minute had passed the other boy was snoring lightly, obviously exhausted in a way that little kids get after a hard day of frolicking around a playground. Only without the temper tantrums and screaming.

After a while Axel's eyes began to get a little heavy themselves. It wouldn't kill him to take a little nap, would it? Well, of course it wouldn't /kill/ him, that was stupid, but-

Axel yawned, his arm inexplicably finding itself worming it's way over Roxas' side, the dinky tune of the video game still on the television playing softly in the background. Roxas began to snore more loudly and he kicked convulsively in his sleep, nicking Axel in the shin hard enough to bruise.

Axel fell asleep grinning.

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It was like a lion had been lying in wait for the gazelle to cross its path, if Sora had to compare how fast his mother was on his once he entered the door to something in the animal kingdom. It was swift. It was brutal. It was merciless, straight-for-the-neck!

"How was the party?"

Sora blinked, fist lowering from where he had been about to knock on the door. "Hi, mom?"

"I said how was the party? Rachel? How is she? How was it?"

Shit! Shit! Sora wasn't renowned for his sharp thinking skills, but he took a deep breath and smiled. It was a smile of lies, to be sure, but hopefully a convincing one. "It was awesome! I asked her out and she totally said yes and then we walked through a field of flowers and she smelled nice." Ha. Sounded good. Good job, Sora!

"What color are her eyes?"

"Uh. Blue!"

"Is she tall? Short?"

"Uh, kinda tall?"

"What color is her hair?"

"Silver. No! Uh. Silverish-pink." Dammit all to hell! It was like he was wearing a sign that screamed "I MADE OUT WITH RIKU INTERROGATE ME AND MAKE ME LIE BADLY PLEASE". If Sora had had access to a tree or wall he would have banged his head against it in self-punishment for being such a total dip wad.

His mother frowned. "Why are you all wet?"

Sora smiled winningly. "I pushed her out of the way of a sprinkler so she wouldn't get her dress wet." If Riku had been wearing a dress Sora probably would have let the sprinkler hit him, because the idea of Riku in a dress was weirdly hot but the idea of Riku in a wet dress was even hotter. ….Shit. He hoped his mother couldn't read mind. DAISIES AND PONIES.

Apparently his mother wasn't privy to the lewd fantasies running through his brain at the moment, because she proceeding to envelope him in a large hug, ruffling at his hair. "Oh, that's my boy!" She said fondly, squeezing him. "I only have one more question!"

Sora smiled thinly, extracting himself from his mother's arms. Or trying to, anyway. She was gripping him so tight he would need to freaking jaws-of-life to get out. "What?" He asked politely, quite aware that she could squeeze the air out of him and suffocate him easily in this position.

"When can I meet her?"

Sora began to choke, and it wasn't because of his mother's hug.

"W-what?" He managed, eyes wide, beating his fist on his chest. "What! Meet her?"

His mother nodded, looking concerned. "Of course. I want to make sure this girl is good enough for my straight little boy."

"Mom, I just started-"

"NO BUTS."

Sora began to freak a little. This was so not good. "B-but mom-"

"How about you go do some homework while I plan a dinner for Thursday night? That way both your father and I can meet her. Oh, how perfect!" His mother was not to be dissuaded, not by the way were eyes were shining or her face was glazed over in a look that said "my son is not gay and is dating a girl now I will have grandchildren instead of a Riku-in-law AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA".

Sora felt like a man in front of a firing squad on edge- one small step out of line and he was done for. "Alright, mom. Thursday it is." Fuck. Crap. How the hell was he going to pull this off! He raced inside and up the stairs, not bothering to glance back at his mother.

Time to start planning.

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"Sora, it's three a.m. in the morning."

"Riku, this is really important-"

"Can't this wait until school?"

"No. No, it can't. My mom wants to meet you."

"Your mom has met me. We have witnessed the results. She wants me dead."

"No, no. Not you-you. She wants to meet Rachel."

"….who's Rachel?"

"You."

"Me."

"Well, with boobs. But I have a plan-"

"Goodnight, Sora."

"No, really, I-"

"In the morning." Click.

Sora flopped back into his bed, eyes wide open. Why did Riku have to be such a bitch in the late hours? Really. He needed his help, in one way or the other, or else they were both screwed.

And it wasn't like he was asking for such a crazy thing. 'Oh, I'm sorry, Riku, I mean, it was really stupid of me to ask my best friend to cross dress just a little to get both of or asses out of the frying pan.' Sora thought a bit bitterly, frowning. He would have crossed dressed for Riku.

Sora sighed and scratched his belly, tossing his head on his pillow a little. He should probably get to sleep, considering school was like, four hours away.

Four hours until Operation Cross-Dress begins.

No, no, that was a lame name. Sora frowned and turned over, burrowing into his covers. Somewhere on the floor Goofy let loose a little sleep-bark, making Sora smile.

Operation Riku in a Dress?

No, no. Sora yawned, tossing his cell phone onto his nightstand. Maybe a good name would hit him in the morning- Sora frowned and let himself fall asleep, feeling discontent with the situation in general.

An hour later woke up with a stroke of pure genius.

OPERATION RIKU WITH A RIGHTEOUS RACK.

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AN: LOL ME SLEEP NOW. Not much to say. So sleepy. I'll repost this betaed with better AN's tomorrow. Bleh.

I'll try try try to have the next one out soon.:D


	19. Chapter 19

AN: HOLY COW GUYS, THREE WEEKS AND THEN SOME. I'm not really sorry, but I'm not really happy with myself, either. I think now that school has started and I'm settled I can squirt out a chapter about every week. Not a promise, but I will definitely try my ass off. Senior year is spastically easy-hard. OMFG COLLEGE NOOOO. Oh, and really fucked up a lot of my formatting, which I really got ticked off about- but I'll fix that later. In fact, I wrote this on notepad, so you know, if there are any mistakes I'm sorry. As always, I'll upload the beta-ed version later. Check my lj- anything on there is beta-ed. -eats jello- Moving on.

SO. This chapter was definitely slow in the making. It didn't come out the way I planned at all, but I think it's okay. Except for DRAMA TO THE MAX. Oh baby, oh baby. It didn't even feel like I was writing this chapter, which was strange. It just came out. Chapter-vomit. But in other news, this chapter bumped it up to an M. Which scares me to no end, but... You perverts, stop smiling! -laugh- But this chapter isn't -that- bad. Nor will things get -that- bad. Unless I really, really find it necessary. Heehee, penis.

Okay. REVIEWS. I think I need to really, really tell you guys how amazed I am that so many people went out of their way to review this story. I don't think I ever dreamed of having any success with this at all- it freaks me out to know that people read this and like it. I love you guys! I obsessively read every review like, four times. Yeah, that may sound creepy, but I've got like, crazy amounts of gratitude for you guys. You rock. I would never have written this much without you. :D

SO ENJOY THIS CHAPTER. ONE WILL BE OUT IN NOT-SUCH-A-LONG-TIME.

* * *

BREEEEEP. BREEEEEEEP.

Alarm clocks, Roxas decided, were the worst things ever to be invented. Not only were they loud and annoying, but they were also... Roxas thought hard, his brain muzzy and hazy from sleep. Loud and annoying- yeah, that was pretty much it. He waved his hand about, motions clumsy and half-assed as his arm fought his way out of his sheets. He smacked his bed stand uselessly until he finally whammed down on his alarm clock.

"Shut up," He told it forcefully, pressing the 'I'm awake now stop making noise you son of a bitch' button. Ah, silence. Nice, beautiful silence- a few more minutes of sleep wouldn't kill, would it-

"Garters, mm, yeaaaah."

Roxas jerked violently, body siezuring into a half-upright position. What the hell was that? Had his alarm clock manifested some kind of perverted, vengeful personality? Had he smacked it a little too hard? Roxas frowned, blinking eye muck out of his eyelashes, suddenly all too aware that he could not sit up. Well, he could. Kind of. But not all the way.

'Guess what?' Roxas' brain whispered happily, almost smugly. 'Look down!'

'No.' Roxas replied, body rigid and eyes frozen on a spot on his wall above his doorframe. 'I won't look down.' Because if he looked down he would have to admit that something was holding his lower half in place to he bed, and that something was very much living and breathing and kind of sexy.

His brain cackled. 'Looks like someone had a sleep over. And by sleep over I mean 'gay cuddle fest', you loser.'

'I did NOT have a gay cuddle fest.' Roxas argued silently, wincing as he gathered up the courage to let his gaze slide ever so slightly downwards. A swarm of horrible, vibrantly crimson bed-head hit the edge of his vision. He instantly redirected his attention the good ol' dot-above-the-door, ignoring the flush of strange heat washing through the general vicinity of his ribcage. Lies, all lies. He had a fucking gay cuddle fest and there was no denying it, not with Axel's head pillowed on his legs. His face was on fire, a mixture of both shame and a tiny sparkle of 'tee hee someone's in my bed and it's not just meeee'. He quashed that sparkle violently.

"Tada! No underwear!" Axel tittered in a sleepy, slurred tone, hand clenching slightly on Roxas' thigh. Roxas stared at him in a mix of horror and concern. He had better be wearing underwear.

"I thought I told you to leave last night," Roxas said dully, jiggling his legs violently. It was time to end this gay cuddle fest. He had school. He glanced at his clock, freaking out a little. He had school in forty five minutes and Axel was on his lap and he had to take a shower and he couldn't well take a shower with Axel in his lap-

Oh, god. Bad, bad time to think about that, Roxas.

"Get off of me, Axel." Roxas demanded, shoving at the sleeping red-head angrily. Axel made a sleepy, snuffly noise and scooted his head directly into Roxas' crotch, murmuring fuzzily. Roxas stared for a moment, eyes impossibly wide, and suddenly his brain decided to remind him about his previous 'Axel in his lap during a shower' thoughts, and /damn/ Axel needed to wake up and get his face away from Roxas' 'happy area' before... before... Oh, shit. This was the worst time in the history of the entire earth to get an erection. "Get off, get off, get OFF!"

"WHAZZIT?" Axel awoke with a flailing start, which could have been due to the fact that Roxas had been practically screeching in his ear. He struggled to sit up, knocking head harshly with Roxas, cursing aloud. He blinked widely for a few moments, thoroughly confused. Where was he? Why was he awake when he was having a perfectly good 'haha Roxas now I have you exactly where I want you' dream? Why was Roxas staring at him like he was crazy?... Hey, this wasn't his bed!

"I spent the night." Axel said in a burst of clarity, rubbing the spot on his head where he had collided with Roxas' own noggin. Shit, that would leave a bruise. He shifted a little, becoming more and more aware that he was situated somewhat in Roxas' lap area. Nice. He subtly gave Roxas' thigh a squeeze, masking the gropage with a loud yawn.

"You did." Roxas said lowly, voice very, very quiet. Axel's face was very, very close to his, and he would be damned if that wasn't either eyeliner or mascara smudged under the other boy's eyes- and dear god, morning breath like a sewage plant. Some sick part of his brain was enjoying this, though, and Roxas was hypersensitive to the fact that Axel's elbow was about a sixth of a millimeter away from Roxas Jr. Roxas sucked in a terrified breath, trying to suck his whole body away from Axel. "You need to leave." He said in a very strained tone. Just play it cool, Roxas. Cool like snow.

Axel smiled, all bad hair and morning-breath, and scooted closer to Roxas. "Do I have to?"

Roxas shut his eyes. Cool like ice. "Yes." He gritted though clenched teeth, "I have to take a shower and get dressed and brush my teeth and-"

Axel yawned again, right in Roxas' face, making the smaller boy not only cringe in horror from the breath but also stare, because yawns kinda looked a lot like wide, open moans and Axel's tongue sure was pink and-

Axel's elbow chose that very second to make it's move, nudging at the place on Roxas' body that made sparks and fireworks and all kinds of stupid, corny metaphors explode behind his eyelids. Roxas jerked hard, face scrunched up in what looked a lot like pain- but he knew it wasn't, and now Axel knew that it wasn't, and Axel also knew damn sure that that wasn't a pencil in his pocket. Because no one had a pocket in the very front of their pants.

"Oh," Axel said lightly, eyes wide. He and Roxas stared at each other for a few silent seconds, like cowboys in the moment before a shootout. Axel took a deep breath to calm his thoughts (his thoughts being 'I TOTALLY JUST TOUCHED A ROXAS-ERECTION AND HE LIKED IT AND...AND... He is so going to kill me for this. But not before I have sexy results.)- and very deliberately moved his elbow again, this time a bit harder, applying some friction-

"Ooooh," Roxas' throat took a moment to spasm awkwardly, making him squeak like a pre-teen hitting puberty at a dance in the gym, not a teenager getting hot and heavy on his own bed. Axel kept doing what he was doing, staring into Roxas' face, eyes glassy and mouth open in heavy breaths-

'I TOLD YOU,' Anti-Axel screamed, tearing his way forcefully into Roxas' subconsciousness, eyes lit with anger and righteous rage. 'I TOLD YOU HE JUST WANTED IN YOUR PANTS.'

Roxas moaned, twitching helplessly as Axel applied less elbow and more of what felt like hand, glorious, glorious hand. 'Technically... he's not in... my pants,' he argued, his mind voice even pant-y like and desperate. Axel was doing something to his neck, too, something that would probably leave a bruise and announce to the world that 'Hi, my name is Roxas, and I like to have gay cuddle fests with other boys'. Roxas didn't really mind.

Pro-Axel stood up, wringing his hands. 'Don't you think this is a little soon?' He said in a diplomatic tone, pulling Roxas more into he world of the thinking than he wanted to be at the moment. 'Do you really want your first hand job to be at seven in the morning? Don't you want it to be... special?'

Roxas scowled. 'Who's side are you on!' Axel let his hand wander up his shirt, tweaking things that made Roxas giggle breathlessly. 'This is special enough for me,' he lied mentally, throwing away his dreams of a candlelight dinner and roses and- what the hell, was he a girl? Although roses would be better than Axel's morning breath-

Oh god, he didn't want to get his first hand job at seven a.m! Something inside of him twitched (metaphorically speaking, considering the phrase, if taken in a sexual manner is really, really awkward) and clung to his over-romanticized vision of rose petals and mint-breath, not... not this. Even if it did feel really, really good. Stupidly good.

"Wait," Roxas gasped haltingly, fisting a great handful of Axel's zany bad-head and tugging, pulling he other boy away from his ear. Parts of his body were screaming for more attention. Axel made a weird noise that sounded a lot like 'mooooo' but could have been 'nooooo'. Roxas tried again, pulling a bit more forcefully. "Stop, Axel." Damn, that still didn't sound to convincing.

Axel took a few steadying breaths, shaking Roxas' hand out of his hair. "Stop?" Maybe Roxas wanted a few seconds to take off his pants or something. Axel could stop for that. Hohoho!

Roxas backed away, Axel's hands sliding off of him, limp. "I... this is too fast for me," He said to his shirt, unable, for some reason, to meet Axel in the eye. Because it was true, kinda. You would think that a teenage boy would love to get some morning action, but... Roxas took a deep breath, feeling almost ashamed. Fuck. "This doesn't feel right."

"Oh," Axel said. Because really, what else are you supposed to say when you've get the hottest guy in the world panting on his bed and them BAM, 'please, sir. stop!'?It was like he was never going to ever get within the vicinity of the horizon of third base with Roxas, not even when he had just had Roxas rubbing up on him like a cat in like, super heat. Mega heat. Uber heat. Axel sat back, feeling a little sour. "Oh." So it doesn't feel right. So what? Shaving your legs doesn't feel right, but Axel did that once anyway. It didn't hurt anyone. GETTING OFF WOULDN'T HURT ANYONE. Unless it was like that thing where if a butterfly flapped it's wings a hurricane would start on the other side of the earth. Maybe jacking Roxas off would like, create an earthquake in come remote country and Roxas was just looking out for the good of all...

Axel didn't think so. In fact, Roxas was probably just playing super hard to get.

Roxas turned and swung his legs out of his bed, body stiff (no pun intended). He tried to will the redness on his face down to a minimal, trying to appear somewhat calm and collected. "I think you should go."

Axel stared at Roxas for a moment, eyes hardening. He couldn't help but feel a little hurt, almost- no, not almost- definitely hurt. It could have been because every time he had gotten his hands on Roxas something had happened to stop him- but it had never been Roxas stopping him before, not really. It never really occurred to Axel that Roxas might not...

Roxas might not want him, too?

The thought hit Axel harder than a sack of wet cement, leaving him dazed. Confused. He watched Roxas stand up, refusing to meet his eyes. Axel swallowed past the weird barrier in his throat, the cliche lump that someone gets in every bad romance novel before they say something incredibly stupid and-or are about to have their heart broken. "I'll leave," He said thickly, passively fingering his hair, taming it out of nervousness. "Fine." The lump grew bigger, a cancerous glob of word-vomit threatening to erupt. Axel tried to ignore it, but it burst like a hot air balloon hit by a missile, the words falling from his mouth without warning. "Don't you like me? Don't you want me at all?"

Roxas froze from where he had been going through a drawer, obviously stalling so Axel could freaking leave already. "I..."

A thousand options flashed through Roxas' mind- what he could say, what he should say-

"I don't know." Roxas said in a brittle tone. "I hardly know you, after all." Some base instinct told him that those could have been the worst words ever to use in combination with each other in a situation like this, but Roxas ignored it. He threw a pair of underwear into his drawer with a vengeance, feeling overwhelmed. He wished it would all go away for a few minutes so he could freaking think - Axel, school, his 'friends', his good ol' morning wood, everything. Just out the door.

Somehow, in the time it took to rummage through his shirt drawer, Axel had made it to his bedroom doorway, movements quick and jerky in that I-am-so-angry-slash-emotional-my-body-moves-funny-way. Roxas refused to look at him, feeling incredibly awkward, like he had just arrived to math class in nothing but a g-string and he really didn't want to meet anyone's eyes because then he would know what they were thinking and he did not want to know what Axel was thinking. Instead he took off his shirt and threw it on the floor, pulling on a new one. Not the brightest idea, in retrospect, to disrobe while someone who just touched your penis-area was still watching you, but hey.

"Aren't you leaving?" Roxas muttered to his mirror, where he was making himself busy by scruffling a hand through his hair, making it look semi-manageable. A few flakes of hair gel confetti-ed to the floor, making him wince involuntarily. Gross.

After a few moments without an answer (Roxas expected something, even an angry "YES I AM LEAVING YOU JERK" would have done). He took a chance and looked at his door, willing to make that dreaded eye contact-

Axel was gone.

Roxas' stomach dropped to his socked feet, but he ignored the feeling and went back to getting ready. Axel would get over it, right? Right. No big deal. Roxas cursed and took the pair of pants he had just shoved on off- it was kinda hard to zipper when your pants were inside out.

'I think you just fucked up pretty bad,' his reflection told his as preened, smoothing his eyebrows down. 'In fact, I would say you fucked up colossally. Epically.'

Roxas scowled. 'You know nothing, you dumb piece of glass. Nothing.'

His reflection smiled in a smart-ass manner, pointing at him laughingly. 'I /do/ know that you have a brand new giant hickey to complement that hard-on. Nice look, if I must say. Go shove some ice down your pants- either that or catch up with Axel and apologize, you jerk.'

Roxas reminded himself that talking to inanimate objects was in fact a dire problem that he needed to fix soon, because speaking with them never really helped his cause in the first place- secondly, they all seemed to be against him. He sighed heavily and picked up his backpack, ready to go to school.

'Can't go to school with a boner!' His mirror hollered smugly.

...He set his backpack down, glancing at his clock. Okay, time enough to take the world's quickest cold shower ever attempted. And then go to school.

Today was already starting off suck-fully.

* * *

Sora had a mission. It started in home room, with a paper airplane. He sent it flying carefully at Riku's head, smiling innocently when it nabbed him in the eye.

"I AM A NOTE," It declared in sloppy handwriting, punctuated by a large smiley face.

Riku, puzzled, set aside his unfinished math homework (who needed geometric function able microcosms anyway?) and set about unfolding the little construction, shaking out a few crumbs of- Riku looked up, eyes narrowing on the pop-tart inconspicuously set in Sora's hands. Crumbs of pop-tart. Anyway. He squinted at the unfolded piece of paper-

'If you dress like a girl I'll pay you ten dollars.' It said hopefully, gazing up at him with pleading vowels. Riku's eye spasmed. He crumbled up the paper and threw it at Sora's head, missing horribly but still catching his attention. "No way in hell," He hissed, folding his arms.

Sora shrugged and smiled largely, devouring the rest of his pop-tart in a single bite. "Okay," he said unflinchingly, in a way that said 'Say what you want, young Riku. You will bend to my whim eventually, bahahahaha. Fool.'Sora bent down to his backpack, fully aware that Riku was still watching him, and unzipped a pocket, reaching inside to pull something out-

A bra. A very large, very padded bra. Sora jiggled it winningly, like one would jiggle bacon in front of a dog.

Riku blanched, eyes wide. "Put that away!" He whispered harshly, glancing around wildly to see if anyone had noticed. Nobody had. Phew. Was Sora freaking crazy! "I told you-"

"HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT."

Sora smoothly slid the lacy piece of women's lingerie into his backpack, looking up at Tidus with a pleasant smile. "What?" He asked predicable, shooting a terrified Riku a nasty look. You jerk, you will convince my mother I'm straight or I'll have to remind you that /I/ wasn't the one begging to make out in a neighbors' bush. Sora turned back to Tidus, all sunshine and daffodils.

Riku shivered in his seat. What was /that!

Tidus took an impromptu seat on the edge of Sora's desk, feet swinging in a hyper, impatient way. "You know Soul Harvest?" He snagged Sora's remaining pop-tart off of his desk, taking a large bite out of it. Sora grabbed it back, frowning.

"Of course I know Soul Harvest," Sora replied, inhaling the rest of the toaster treat in one go. "Me and Riku are going to the concert- those tickets were almost impossible to get." He shot another look at Riku- 'IF YOU DON'T CROSS-DRESS NO SOUL HARVEST FOR YOU' his eyes threatened, sending little daggers of warning at him.

Riku felt another mysterious chill run through his body. He hugged himself, frowning.

"Well, yeah," Tidus continued. "That one Selphie chick totally asked me to it. I think I might go."

Sora tapped his pencil on his desk, cocking his head. "I didn't even know you liked her." He said in an obvious tone, glancing at the hand Tidus had splayed on his desk, inspecting his nails. Tidus painted his nails blue. That was pretty gay. No boy painted their nails, not even Riku, and he had hair like a woman. He turned in his seat, making direct eye contact with Riku. "You have hair like a woman," he informed him haughtily, a reminder that he should don women's clothing for a good cause. He turned back to Tidus. "You like her?"

Tidus shrugged. "Not really. She's a little too hyper for my tastes, you know?" He scrunched his nose, freckles bunching together like a deranged game of connect-the-dots. "Besides, I kinda feel weird, like I already like some- Holy crap."

Sora blinked, caught off guard. "What?" He swerved in the direction Tidus was staring in, eyes going wide. "What? I don't- oh." He squinted. "Oh."

Roxas stared at them bleakly, letting his backpack slump to the floor. "What do you want?" He asked in a low tone, a strand of damp hair falling into his eyes. He blew it back into place, frowning. Why was everyone staring at him? Did he look as bad as he felt? In that case he must look like a piece of crap, which would warrant the weird looks Tidus and Sora- now Riku, too- were giving him.

Tidus grinned nervously, standing up and approaching Roxas' desk in the manner one approaches a monkey with a gun. Which is carefully, of course, because a monkey should not be trusted with any type of arsenal. "Roxas, man-" He leaned on Roxas' desk, torn between amusement and worry. "When were you mauled by a tiger?"

Roxas stared at him. "I wasn't." Tidus was a fucking retard, asking that when he knew that there were no tigers around-

"What I mean," Tidus said in a softer tone, leaning closer. "Is that you've got a hickey the size of my face plastered to the side of your neck. I can practically see the broken blood vessels, man." He smirked lightly. "Who's the lucky girl?"

Roxas covered his face with his hand, breathing very, very deeply. "No one. It's a hive." That's right, it was a hive. He had an allergic reaction to Axel's mouth and teeth and lips that caused his neck to break out into a huge, ugly patch of discoloration. Damn you, Axel, damn you and your freaking tendencies to do things that leave marks.

Sora stared at Roxas, eyebrows pinched. "I didn't know you were dating anyone," He said in a low tone, huddled close to Roxas desk. He had the slight feeling that they were gossiping like girls, but who cared? Roxas had some 'fessing up to do. He reached out and poked Roxas' neck, making him flinch. "Are you?"

"Don't touch it!" Roxas hissed, sour. "Okay, just... leave me alone for right now. I'm trying to think." And he was trying to think, but all he could think about was Axel's face when he told him to stop and the way he had just /left/ and how he couldn't get over the fact that he had done something inexplicably not-good. He buried his face in his arms, staring at the grain of the synthetic wood that made up his desk-top.

Tidus and Sora shot each other twin looks of 'dude, what the hell!' Riku merely frowned, staring at the top of Roxas' head and trying not to think about bras and panties and Sora.

Then the bell rang, and the day began, and Roxas already wanted to curl up and die.

* * *

AN: OH NO WILL THEY EVER TALK AGAIN WHY DID I DO THIS BAD AUTHOR BAD. -shrug- Ahahahaha. -sips pop- I'm sorry. And for who ever asked about the whole disappearing-Axel thing- I am a bad author who doesn't plan well, so that came in a little early. But it will come back. Really.

-hides in shame-


	20. The End

Hi, folks.

Let me get straight to the point.

I've lost any and all interest in Kingdom Hearts. It was a great fandom while it lasted, but it was a fleeting thing. I have tried and tried to write more Super Sized- it was so easy when I actually /liked/ writing it. It was even easy when I /kinda/ liked it. It was hard when I found the whole Axel-Roxas pairing thing redundant, and it was even more difficult when I started to hate what I was writing. Like, I was cranking out utter shit just to get the weight off of my chest, that I know I had another chapter out and wouldn't have to torture myself for another week. There are just too many plotholes and inconsistancies that will keep this from me ever, ever liking it. 

But it's not like I'll just let it die. I know I won't be able to bring myself to write it until my KH phase comes around again, and I'm sure it will.

But when writing a fic starts to feel like work, I know it's time to step back. It's senior year and I have more than enough on my plate, both academic-wise and social-wise. I have a job and college shit and real-world stuff to deal with. Inspiration to do anything comes few and fleeting.

So for now, it's a good-bye to this fic. It was a good excuse to write a shitload of... wow, over 50,000 words. I fucking love everyone, EVERYONE who read this. You have no idea- I may not have liked what I was writing sometimes, but I loved that people liked it. It was the best feeling ever. It still is. I broke down crying when I saw the first fanart for this- I still freak out. I'm glad I was able to share my fandom experience with so many people- it was amazing. When I was twelve I -dreamed- of getting one thousand reviews. As in, it was my freaking goal. Thank you all for helping me reach it.

It took a lot of courage for me to get the balls to write this out, and my hands are still kind of shaky. Super Sized was my baby for a while, and it taught me a lot. I'll be taking it down from ff dot net in about a week- if I ever work on it again, I'll repost it, shiny and edited and to my liking. I refuse to let it sit and decay for the whole world to see.

So once more, thank you all for reading Super Sized. I hope it was better to you than it was to me XD. I'll be finishing a few of my other, more low-scale fanfics soon, since Prince of Tennis is my onetruelove once again, so I hope some of you will stick around. If not, thank you for being such good fans. :D

...And please, please don't flame me with a "U GOTTA FINISH I HATE YOU AND WILL KILL YOU BITCH". Not that I think anyone would, it's just... yeah. Just remember I have my reasons and this is not a split-second, rash decision. 


	21. Chapter 20

Title: Super Sized!

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 20/30?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side. Cloud+Tidus looming.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither knows what to do about. AU Crackfic.

AN: So. I was going to just post a chapter containing all of the plot points and things to finish up Super Sized, but Caitlin- oho, Caitlin prevented that. By. Writing. It. For. Me.

This is an act of pure kindness and awesomeness. I hope you enjoy her chapters. She rocks. :D

Other AN: Seeing as you're going to be suddenly reading something by me which you were not expecting to read, I think I probably ought to introduce myself. My name is Caitlin. You may have seen my name mentioned in previous author's notes here. I'm eighteen, interested in physics, dating a very nice girl named Jessica, and I usually write very serious and depressing things. If you'd like to know more about me, you can visit my LiveJournal (username emptybackpack). That journal is f-locked, but most of the fic I've written is public. You may be interested in checking it out. Thank you for your time.

P.S. Natalie, I went poking around and figured out how to upload this. Hope I didn't screw anything up.

---

The bell had just rung signaling the start of lunch hour. The day was halfway over, thank God. Well, approximately. Give or take some ride time and a lot of sleeping in class. Roxas did not move from his desk.

The teacher looked at him a bit strangely, tempted to ask if he needed to go to the nurse. He looked like shit. But she had seen the gigantic . . . thing on the side of his neck, and wisely figured it was better not to ask. An overly-curious teacher did not have a very long employment at an inner-city school like this one. Or lifespan. She locked the door, but left it open behind her when she left.

Sora found Roxas a few minutes later, still sitting at his desk with his forehead down on the cheap plastic surface. He wasn't particularly worried. Roxas had been like this all day, so at least he was getting some rest, even if he was making a start toward failing his classes. And he made a particularly comfortable armrest, surprisingly. Sora figured he'd wait for a few minutes for the others to get there before broaching the subject of 'speech' with Roxas.

Tuesday was off-campus lunch day. Well, not officially. But it was for them. It was the only day none of them had clubs at lunch, and Tidus' cousin Kairi had a gigantic supervan she used to drive people places or, possibly, run said people over. She had paintball equipment stored in the back, and a pair of beaten-up tiki torches. It just went to show . . . well, he didn't know what it went to show, except that Kairi had a lurking violent side. He shuddered. At least it didn't run in the family.

Riku found Sora first, since his classroom was the next closest to the economics room Roxas had for fourth hour and the room they all met up in on Tuesdays like this. His visit was brief. "Hey, Sora, remember how I missed a couple of days earlier this month?" In the hospital, yes. Sora nodded, only vaguely guilty. Thinking about the whole ordeal still pissed him off a bit. "So, yeah, turns out I have to make up a Spanish test. Right now. Because midterms get sent out at three today." Sora nodded. Nodded. Processed. Oh, okay. So Riku wouldn't be going to lunch with them. He kept nodding.

Riku stared at him, still unnerved by his earlier hijinks with ladies' underwear. He noticed his foot was touching Sora's bag slightly. He shuffled away, trying to be inconspicuous. "So. Uh. Yeah." Sora looked at him. Was he even thinking about anything in there? Wait, yes, probably bras. Damn. "I'll, uh, be seeing you. Get me some fries." He reached out and ruffled Sora's hair quickly, and then walked off. At speed. Away from the bras.

Sora watched him leave, staring after him contemplatively. Poor guy really was freaked out by the whole crossdressing thing. Not that Sora had much sympathy for him. But he probably wasn't going to be able to get him to cooperate, unfortunately. At least not this way. And the dinner was tomorrow night. Sora tapped his foot for a few minutes, waiting for the others. Then he got tired of that and started drumming his fingers on the back of Roxas' head. Roxas didn't move. Maybe he had passed out. It might be a mercy.

Tidus arrived shortly, with Kairi and . . . was that Selphie? . . . in tow. He waved with the hand not abusing Roxas' skull. "Hey, so are you going to the Soul Harvest concert, then?" Roxas groaned. Alive, then. "If I can work things out with my parents, I might need a ride."

Tidus smiled. "No, sorry. I'm not going after all. Turns out Selphie was actually interested in my cousin, not me." He laughed good-naturedly, rather strange for someone who'd almost been used as a sexual substitute for another family member. Then again, Tidus was a strange kid. He probably didn't care.

Sora turned to look at Selphie. "Hi, I'm Sora!" he introduced himself. Lamely. He waved again.

She greeted him just as cheerfully back. "My name is Selphie. Very nice to meet you." She even reached out a hand to him. He shook it. She seemed pleasant enough. She'd probably be a good match for Kairi.

Wait, wasn't Kairi a girl? He thought about that for a second, still shaking Selphie's hand. Yeah, yeah she was. She had boobs. Sora stopped shaking hands with Selphie and pointed at Kairi. "You're a girl!" he told her accusatively.

Kairi stared at him. She'd always thought Sora was a bit of an airhead, but this was new. "Yeeees," she responded slowly, "yes, I am. And Sel-phie is my girl-friend. I date giiiirls. Nice to meet you."

"Yeah, yeah, not that. You have boobs!" In retrospect, that might not have been the most intelligent thing to point out as support for his case. Wait, had he made his case? "Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night with my parents?"

Selphie coughed politely. "I've just met you, and already you're trying to steal my girlfriend?"

"Only kind of," Sora told her, and then to Kairi he said "I'll pay you!"

Selphie coughed a little louder. Man, that must be an inconvenient nervous twitch. "And now you're insinuating that she's a prostitute."

Tidus looked up from where he had been kneeling on the floor, trying to pry Roxas' head up off the desk. "What now?"

Finally, a man in the conversation. He'd understand. Sora started to explain. "Remember how my parents said they wanted to meet the girlfriend I told them I had before they'd let me go to see Soul Harvest? Well, yeah, I don't have a girlfriend, and I need someone to be a girl so I can have one, and Riku won't do it."

Tidus nodded understandingly. "You should ask Kairi. She's pretty. I'm sure Selphie wouldn't mind. Selphie, would you mind if Sora pretended Kairi was his girlfriend for a day so that he could convince his parents he's straight?"

Selphie nodded pleasantly, and Kairi said "Twenty bucks. Deal?"

"Deal," Sora told her, smiling widely. "So, Roxas, want to go to lunch?"

Roxas groaned, sat up, and threw up all over Tidus' shoes. Tidus looked down, his eyebrows scrunched together. "Gee, thanks."

---

Roxas stared out the passenger-side window of Kairi's van. People generally used 'one-two-three-notit!' to determine who ended up shotgun. Roxas hadn't even spoken up, and though they all felt sorry for him, they didn't feel sorry enough to take his place sitting shotgun. Kairi reached over and patted him on the leg reassuringly. She was fixing her hair in the rearview mirror with her other hand. She braked a bit. Tires squealed somewhere.

"So," Kairi asked the van in general, "where do we want to go for lunch?" She was headed in the general direction of the mall. "Fast food, food court, deli, what?"

There was a bit of a fight in the back seat, and then Sora piped up "I want to stop at the comic shop to pick up some Jones soda. We're having a party in Spanish class. So can we go to BurgerMart? That's pretty close."

Roxas let his head thunk against the side window. BurgerMart. Perhaps Kairi would do a curb check and his skull would get flattened against the safety glass. That would be nice. What were the chances Axel was working today?

Kairi did, indeed, run over the curb at speed at the next corner. Roxas' head thudded painfully against the glass. Not nearly hard enough to cause a concussion. Too bad. The van sped past Roxas' subdivision. He briefly considered opening the door and jumping out and giving up on the rest of the day. He was probably just going to spend it sleeping in class and losing participation points, anyhow.

The mall and its surrounding properties were very busy and the parking lots were mostly full up with holiday shoppers. The area in front of the comic store and the bar and party supply store next to it remained relatively empty, however. The latest special release issue of Civil War probably wasn't going to be a very hot gift among the general populace. Kairi parked haphazardly between a beaten-up hatchback and a soccer-mom van covered in gay pride stickers.

Sora announced that he would buy a Jones for anyone who wanted one and then leaped out of the car post-haste. There were only thirty minutes left in the lunch period. The rest of the kids in the back seat followed him. Roxas did not move. Kairi got out a bit more sedately and came around to his side of the car. She tapped on the glass. "Are you coming, or what?" Roxas sighed and didn't look at her. Kairi had a golden opportunity to examine the supposed 'hive' on Roxas' neck through the glass of the window. She wondered who there was from school who could have given him a hickey so . . . enthusiastic. Probably the same chick he was mooning over now. Alas. "Well, I'll pick you up a bubblegum," she told him, and locked him in the car.

If she'd tried to open the door to let him out he probably would have fallen out onto the asphalt. And maybe he'd die in the heat of the car, he hoped. It was probably for the best.

Roxas sat quietly in the car as the temperature rose without air conditioning. The kids took quite a while in the store. Probably ten minutes. He didn't move to look at his watch. Maybe they wouldn't end up at BurgerMart at all. Maybe they'd go through the drive through. Maybe he'd suffocate because Kairi hadn't left any windows cracked and had locked him in. He stared off into space at the gay pride minivan.

What felt to Roxas like quite a long time later, the van beeped twice at the command of Kairi's key remote and the locks clicked open. Roxas started. Maybe they'd be late for class. That would be nice.

Kairi got in, buckled up, shifted her transmission into reverse as soon as she heard the last car door close, and backed out of the space with a cursory glance over her shoulder. Roxas had a brief moment of hope when Kairi actually stopped at the stop sign for the road leading out of the strip mall, but then she drove on toward the little clump of restaurants ahead. She must have just had a momentary instance of good judgment and parking lot etiquette.

Kairi swore as she pulled up toward the fast food restaurant at a speed that was probably approaching illegal on any public street. "Dammit, the drive through is full. I guess we'll have to go inside. We'll make this quick, y'hear?"

Roxas got out of the car this time. There was probably a five in seven chance Axel was even working today. He didn't want to think about the fact that Axel probably tried to plan his work schedule around when he'd be most likely to see Roxas. And maybe Axel hadn't even come into work today. Oh, that was an even more painful thought. Roxas tried not to let it guilt him too much. It wasn't like he could avoid eating forever, and he really was quite hungry, having thrown up his breakfast.

Roxas got in line at the very end behind the rest of his group. Kairi had warned them all to know exactly what they wanted so that they could get out of there quickly. Roxas, of course, knew easily, and started digging through his wallet for exact change for his order. The cashiers liked him a bit better because of that habit.

Tucked in amongst the paper money in the billfold of his wallet, Roxas found a note. It was scraggly around the edges, in a loopy old woman's handwriting, reading "Beware the intentions of those around you." What the Hell?

Roxas contemplated the note as he stepped forward in line, one hand clutched around his exact change. A voice at the counter said, rather scratchily, "Next, please?"

Roxas walked forward, recounting his change, and then looked up when he was asked, haltingly, "May I take your order?"

Oh God. He was standing in front of Axel. They had picked Axel's line. And Axel . . . Roxas stared. "You have . . . no neck."

Axel smiled sheepishly, and looked down. Sure enough, there was a definite space of clear air between the collar of his turtleneck and his chin. "You noticed? Nobody else has, so I figured it was okay." Inwardly, he was thinking _Thanks for noticing, you ass._

" . . . yeah," Roxas replied quietly. He kept staring. Shit, what was he supposed to say now?

Axel didn't say anything. There wasn't anybody behind Roxas in line, so he could damn well take his time and come up with something nice to say. Unless he didn't care. Which was probable. Axel wondered vaguely which one of them really was the one being an ass.

He fiddled with the pen chained to the register, putting it back in place. He crossed his arms. They stared at each other. Roxas was, as usual, performing a winning impression of a deer in headlights.

Someone placed a hand on Roxas' shoulder from behind. Roxas jumped. "Yes?" he snapped, ill at ease. Whatever damned customer was waiting behind him could damned well go somewhere else until he figured out what he was supposed to say now.

It turned out to be Kairi. "Roxas, man, it's time to go. Have you even ordered yet? We have seven minutes to get back to school. Everyone else is in the car already." She turned to look at the cashier, with whom Roxas had apparently been having a staring contest ever since she had left him in line. She read his nametag, and then looked him up and down suspiciously. "You know what, you can just have my food. I'll get lunch during my free period. C'mon, let's go." She gave Axel one last considering look and then grabbed Roxas' wrist in order to physically drag him out the door to her car.

Great, Axel thought, just fantastic. Well, at least he still had his health. Except _not really_, because he _had no neck_, and apparently nobody else noticed so maybe he was going crazy, and he hadn't even had the time or energy yet in the day to think about the implications of him not having a neck. Okay. Okay. He was going on break now. Right now.

---

Kairi, through a fluke of scheduling and the fact that she was on excellent terms with all of the counseling office staff, had no class in the hour after lunch. She didn't just have free period or study hall. She had early dismissal. In the middle of the day. Right before her last-hour chemistry lab class.

She tended to spend her free hour out and about or sitting in on the classes of teachers she liked. Today, however, she intended to make a new stop – the newly acquired classroom of her newly acquired girlfriend. Hopefully the teacher wouldn't mind too much.

Kairi dropped everyone off in the school bus lane to run to their classes with two minutes to spare. She then took a leisurely drive around the school to park in the back parking lot, and re-entered the campus without having to show her I.D. to the security guard, to whom she waved hello and wished a good afternoon.

She had copied down Selphie's schedule earlier on in the day. She took it out now to look at. Apparently Selphie had a class on the upper floor this period, in the math wing. That should be interesting. Hopefully they weren't taking notes or doing anything, you know, productive.

Kairi stood close to the doorframe, just out of sight of the students, and listened to the class for a moment. There was some small chatter, so they weren't taking a test, and the teacher wasn't talking, so they weren't taking notes. Hopefully. She might be wrong. She listened a little longer, and then put on an air of confidence and walked quietly into the classroom.

The teacher's desk was at the right front of the classroom. Mr. Hull was sitting working on his dinky school laptop, pattering away on the terrible keyboard. She walked up to his desk and stood in front of it until he noticed her and looked up. It was more polite to let the teacher talk first. "Yes?" asked Mr. Hull, acknowledging her presence in a kindly manner. He didn't seem particularly annoyed.

"Would it be alright if I hung out in your room for a couple of minutes? I don't have a class right now, and the library won't let me stay there because I have early dismissal, not study hall. There's nowhere else I'm supposed to be right now. I'll make sure to be quiet." That was probably a sufficient response to answer all the questions teachers usually asked.

Mr. Hull looked a bit overwhelmed. "Um, sure, I guess that would be fine. So long as you're quiet." He gave her one last confused look and went back to entering grades on his computer.

Kairi went and sat down cross-legged at Selphie's feet, disturbing her from her painstakingly slow reading of a novel of British pop fiction. "'Sup?" she asked, smiling.

Selphie set her book down with the pages open and kicked Kairi in the leg. "Dude! What are you – " Kairi shushed her, looking around at the relatively quiet classroom. Selphie restarted in a whisper. "What are you doing here?"

Kairi smiled again, more of a smirk, in a way that she probably thought was flirty. "I thought I'd come visit. Want some gossip?"

Selphie ripped off a chunk of math notes to use as a bookmark, tucked away her book quickly, and said "Sure!" in as much of an exclamation as she could whisper. A few people nearby turned to stare at the harsh sound.

"So I think I know who gave Roxas that hickey."

Selphie squeaked and did a dweeby little fangirl-handclap (the kind with lots of non-connecting hand-flailing and usually accompanied by jumping up and down). Kairi poked her in the leg. "Shush."

Selphie shut up, but she was still smiling, and bouncing a little in her seat. The kid behind her scooted his desk back slightly, disturbed. "So so so so?"

"So there's this guy." Selphie squeaked again. Such a ghei-fangirl. "At BurgerMart."

Selphie lost her look of joy. "A fast-food worker? Um, that's kind of creepy."

Kairi laughed quietly. "Yeah, heh, it might be. I don't know. He looked pretty weird. Kind of the punk-rocker kid type, which I suppose would be a fit for Roxas." Selphie nodded sagely, punctuation to the story, in the way of gossiping girls everywhere. "But."

Kairi paused for dramatic effect. Selphie made a sort of keening noise in the back of her throat. Kairi found it kind of cute.

"But. Roxas and Fast Food Guy were totally having a moment and I walked into it. I think Roxas is gay for him. It was _that_ sort of look." Kairi's voice had taken on a sort of evil tone, in the conspiratorial way. She stroked a finger down Selphie's knee.

Selphie apparently couldn't conceal her voyeuristic excitement any longer. "OH MY GOD THAT IS SO CUTE!" she exclaimed for the betterment of the classroom. Someone cleared his throat above where the two were sitting.

Mr. Hull was standing there, looking rather upset this time. "I'm sorry, miss, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave now."

Kairi gave him a shit-eating smile and said "Of course, sir. Sorry to have been a bother." She stood up, got her things, and ruffled Selphie's hair. "Meet me after school in the senior parking lot," she whispered, and then she was gone.

Selphie sighed.

---

AN: I can't tell you how sorry I am that I'm not Natalie (the original author of this fic). I know that I have a very different style of humor from hers, and my syntax is often quite different, and I may use words you might not know (like syntax). But I am trying my best to make this just as enjoyable as it was previously, and I hope that you do continue to enjoy it. Thank you for giving me a chance.


	22. Chapter 21

Title: Super Sized!

Author: voodoodoll333 / katalystik

Rating: T

Chapter: 20/30?

Pairings: Axel/Roxas main, Riku+Sora on the side. Cloud+Tidus looming.

Summary: In another dimension, Roxas is leading a normal, high school life. Axel, on the other hand, is a low-wage worker at a fast food chain who happens to be smitten with the blonde boy. Awkward times lead to desperate measures, and they soon find themselves in the middle of something neither knows what to do about. AU Crackfic.

Author's Notes: This was exposed to extensive beta by a whole lot of people (including the original author), and it follows Natalie's plan for the plot (the inclusion of Kairi and all), and all those other worries some of you had. So. I am truly sorry if it sucks. But I'm enjoying writing it, and Natalie's glad I am, and that's all that really matters, right? So I'm moving on. If you're not having fun, you shouldn't be doing what you're doing, right?

If you really love this story, but you see ways in which I'm stupid and could be making it funnier, I would love any help anyone wants to give. I keep chapters up for a week in unlocked open-edit state on my LiveJournal (emptybackpack), and I passed around a printed-out version of this chapter for people I know to contribute to. It wouldn't be half as funny without their help, and I am greatful to every one of them. It would be great if some of you helped out, too. ♥ As they say, be the change you want to see in the world!

---

Last hour was chemistry class. Roxas wasn't particularly enthused about this class, seing as he was getting a D in it, but at least he was learning stuff. Sort of. Maybe. Well, he could do I.C.E. tables, at least. He put his head down on the desk again. Maybe he would just . . . not take notes today. Good plan, good plan. The bell rang. Chaos reigned in the room as all the students talked loudly at one another across aisles.

"LAB TODAY," Mr. Prince shouted over the class. If anything, it got louder as kids got up and ran to get goggles and stake out lab stations. There was a flurry of activity around Mr. Prince as people grabbed flasks and procedure sheets. "Well you all SIT THE HECK DOWN," he shouted again. There was a dash to the nearest available seats, with some people ending up sitting on the floor near their lab stations. Number twelve seemed to have acquired a crowd. The kids (mostly) shut up. "_Thank_ you," Mr. Prince said, in a more indoor voice this time.

Somebody tapped Roxas on the shoulder from behind. "Lab partners?" whispered a voice that hopefully belonged to Riku. Roxas nodded discreetly and hoped Riku or whoever would shut up thereafter. He did not want to catch Mr. Prince's ire, especially not on a lab day. Prince had nooooo qualms about throwing calculators at kids' heads.

"Okay, kids. Today we're going to be vaporizing an 'unidentified volatile liquid'." There were air-quotes to go along with this statement. A little scary. "Your goal is to figure out the molar mass. The way the lab sheet tells you to get the volume is full of shit, so ignore it. Just fill the flask with water and pour it into a graduated cylinder. Also, _if you break the good scales you pay for them_. Now GO!" And then he retreated into the back room, probably to mix molarities of hydrochloric acid for the regular kids' labs.

Riku had already spread his notebook across lab station number 12, claiming it. He dashed to it as soon as Mr. Prince gave them leave, eying warily anyone who approached him. "I'll, um, go get the stuff," Roxas said to him, thumbing vaguely toward the supply cart. Riku nodded quickly. He could have done with some war paint.

The crowd around the supply cart had dissipated by now, as most of the other students had enthusiastically grabbed their stuff right off and were now squabbling over where to set up shop. Roxas stood in front of the plasti-rubber gray cart and read his lab procedure sheet carefully. Erlenmeyer flask. Pipette. Volatile liquid. Put 4 milliliters of volatile liquid in flask. Beaker. Tinfoil. Scissors. There were no scissors. Where had all the scissors gone? (At this, his mind decided to speak up for the day and helpfully supplied him with the rest of an old war song. Which looped. _Where have all the scissors gone? Gone to young men, every one. Oh, when will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?_ By dint of great effort, he shut it down and went to look for scissors.) Roxas spotted a pair of scissors on the counter by the two loudest girls in the class, who were not so hot on the whole 'good lab procedure' front. Their total crucible count was up to six now. He snuck up behind the shorter of them and grabbed the scissors off the counter, and then made a dash for it.

Riku was standing at their lab station, trying to set up the Bunsen burner and ring stand. He had the gas on and was looking around for a striker. "Where the hell do all the strikers go?" he asked Roxas angrily. "I swear there was one right there on the counter two seconds ago." Roxas shrugged. Somebody had probably swiped it just as he had swiped the scissors. Roxas turned off the gas as Riku stalked off to steal one back, and fished through the drawers around the lab station. He could swear he had stashed a striker in here at some point. Those things were always disappearing.

He rummaged around awkwardly in drawers, sometimes pushing people to the side, until he came up with a rusty striker. There were a whole host of other metal implements in the same drawer. He had no idea what they did, but they, too, were rusty, and a lot of them looked like they'd be convenient for torture.

Roxas slammed the rickety drawer closed and returned to his lab station just in time to see Riku stick a needle through his finger trying to puncture the tinfoil. Riku cursed quietly to himself and pulled it out. Blood welled up in a little bead where it had stuck in. "I think the idea was to get the smallest hole possible, not to give yourself tetanus," Roxas told him.

Riku shook his hand and then stuck his finger in his mouth. "Yeah, fanks," he replied, rolling his eyes. "Han oo iight te burmer?" Roxas shook his head, slightly disgusted (who knew where the lab equipment had been?), and turned on the gas. The burner lit easily. He was a little proud of himself for this, as the pair next to him had left the gas on for too long beforehand and had gouted flame into the air.

Roxas brought a beaker of water to a boil while Riku went to find Mr. Prince to ask for a bandage. He sealed the wrinkled tinfoil around the top of the Erlenmeyer flask as well as he could, and then he submerged the flask in the boiling water and clamped it there. Now to wait.

Riku came back with a bandage on his finger and a tortured look on his face. Mr. Prince did not take well to anyone who screwed up during a lab. Well, at least Riku still had all his limbs and wasn't blind. Roxas wasn't sure whether he meant due to the lab or due to Mr. Prince, though.

They both stared at the beaker of boiling water. Roxas glanced at the clock. Twenty minutes left in the period. Plenty of time. They both . . . stared at the boiling water. Roxas sat on a desk. They watched the water boil some more. Tidus, at the lab station next to theirs, turned off his burner and took out his flask. Simultaneously, Riku asked "How are you supposed to know it's done?" and Roxas said "I think it's done." They stared at each other. Water boiled some more.

And then suddenly, and without warning, their entire lab setup caught fire. The beaker and all the other apparatus were surrounded by a ball of happily-burning orange flame a foot around and suspended in the air on the ringstand. Roxas stared. Riku moved the Bunsen burner and turned it off, and when the fire did not go away he started flipping out and tried to blow it out. When all that did was whoosh back at him (and his precariously dangling hair), he ran for the fire extinguisher. Roxas stared. Glass . . . couldn't burn. What the hell was actually on fire, then?

The kids around him were shouting and calling for Mr. Prince, and some of them had run to get him. Riku was trying to get the fire extinguisher off the wall. It was kind of surreal. And it all seemed rather distant to Roxas. Still staring at the fire, he reached over and picked up Tidus' used beaker of water, which he then tossed on the fire. It sizzled merrily and went out.

Roxas looked down at his hand. That water had been boiling five minutes ago. Glass held heat well. Thus, his palm was going to be pretty burned and hurt a lot when he let go. Right now it just felt warm. He set the beaker down very carefully on the counter. Oh, yeah, there it went. Ow.

Mr. Prince came out, towed by two students, and surveyed the room. Everybody was staring at Roxas. Seeing no immediate danger, Mr. Prince said "What," glared unhappily, told the class to get back to work, and retired to the back room.

Riku came back over with some paper towels. Roxas watched him clean the lab station passively. "You should probably redo the experiment, you know," Tidus supplied helpfully. Uh. Duh. It had been soaked in water. "You probably burned off all of your reactant in the fire." Yeah, there was that minor detail to consider too.

They had five minutes left before the bell rang. There was no way they were going to finish before class ended. That was fine, though -- most of the other kids were still at the boiling-water stage, too. Roxas would have to walk home. Oh well. Not like he minded.

And . . . maybe he would stop by BurgerMart on the way home.

---

Kairi was, at this point, forseriously pissed. Pissed pissed pissed. Pissed _off_. She tapped her foot angrily and looked out the kitchen window. Still no cars. She opened the window so that she could better hear if a car door closed outside. Then she hoisted herself up onto the kitchen counter and sat with her back against the cabinets. Sora was half an hour late and in that time she had eaten an entire box of frozen raw sugar cookies. She had been saving those for TV Night on Monday! And anyhow, it was very rude to be this late.

Sora had accosted her after school, called his parents to ask if they could pick up Kairi for dinner tonight, and then pleaded for a ride home from her because he'd missed his bus. Kairi sighed and acquiesced reluctantly, because she also had to pick up her mother from her day job after school, and was _that_ ever going to be uncomfortable. Kairi's mother was displeased at Kairi for the wait, but had later expressed her opinion that Sora seemed like "a very nice young man." That was her code phrase for "you're allowed to date him, y'hear?" Kairi often wondered how her mother formed these opinions in the space of a single car ride. It was a disturbing habit, anyhow.

Sora had said his parents would be by her house at around five (and _then_ he had asked where she lived, as though that were secondary information). So she had gotten home and putzed around doing her homework until her mother took off in her car at four for the night shift. And then she had put on the fugliest dress she owned and a layer of equally nasty brown makeup. People always told her that her hair did not go well with any shade of brown, and damned if she wasn't going to exploit that the one time she had the chance.

She kicked her heels against the kitchen cabinets and sniffed. Spring had sprung. Spring and its pollen and its allergies and oh god she was going to sneeze. She grabbed a wad of napkins off the counter and blew her nose messily, probably screwing up her foundation in the process. All the better.

A car pulled up outside as she was throwing away her mess of improvised tissue. Sora got out of the back seat, wearing an ill-fitting suit that made him look about ten. It, too, was brown. Ick.

Kairi went to the front door and opened it before he had the chance to knock. He stumbled forward a step, and Kairi caught him roughly by the shoulder, holding him back. He looked . . . sweaty. And nervous. But mostly sweaty. Ew. Very male. Sora glanced behind himself to his parents' car, which was idling in the driveway, and then muttered "I'll pay you back later." Kairi shrugged. She was doing this mostly for amusement value, in all honesty. She'd have spent the night at home alone replaying Penultimate Fantasy games otherwise. She hadn't played PF X-3 in a while. And she was more annoyed that Sora's parents were the type of people that parked in other people's driveways than anything else, at the moment.

Kairi securely locked and deadbolted her house, and then allowed Sora to lead her to his parents' car and open the door for her. "We were going to do dinner at home," he told her, "but Mom burned a batch of Riku's mom's muffins, and now the house smells like fire." There was a definite undertone to his voice of _serves her right_.

Kairi sat very politely and stilly in the cramped back seat. There was still the possibility that Sora's father wasn't crazy, she thought. Maybe Sora had inherited it all from his mother. Sora's dad turned from the driver's seat and waved to her while going through an intersection, sporting gi-freaking-gantic 80's sunglasses. She noticed now that he also had a mullet, and was wearing a brown suit very similar to his son's. With a mess of lapel pins on, to boot. Uh. Well, that shot _that_ hope. Shot it out in the backyard with a sawed-off shotgun.

Maybe if she just sat very still and didn't say anything until asked, it would all turn out okay. Name, rank, and serial number, that was the ticket.

Kairi stared at the back of the driver's seat headrest for most of the ride to the restaurant. About halfway there, Sora's dad had signaled to change lanes, and hadn't turned off the turn signal afterward. It was starting to get to her. Click-click, click-click. Sora shifted in the bucket seat next to her. Click-click, click-click. She twitched. Did this not bother any of them? Maybe. If she just sat. Very. Still. Until they got there. It would be okay. And maybe she wouldn't strangle anybody. Kairi reflected that perhaps she had some stress-management problems going on. Maybe somebody else on the road would commit an act of road rage against the blinker. That would be nice.

The restaurant turned out to be some fancy downtown sandwich place that had taken a freeway ride and two interchanges to get to. It looked very . . . faux-old. And kind of ugly. And also 80's. Kairi was beginning to sense a prevailing theme.

Sora's dad parked way back in the lot, managing to take up four spaces all at once. It was almost admirable in its badness. Kairi went to pull open her door handle, but Sora grabbed her by the wrist before she could. He gave her what she supposed he probably meant to be a silently meaningful look, but instead just looked painful. Oh. Yeah. This was supposed to be a date. She waited quietly for Sora to open her door for her. This sort of thing annoyed her. Getting doors opened was nice and all that, but really, women could do it just fine for themselves. Although she would admit that it was nice to get free stuff on occasion.

Apparently Sora's parents had made reservations at the restaurant sometime between the time Sora's mom burned muffins and now. Maybe they had a standing reservation. That was a creepy thought.

The hostess seated them in some sort of loft to the building, on rickety wooden chairs at a rickety wooden table on a not-very-confidence-inspiring wooden floor. She could see down to the floor below in some places. And the balcony railing was behind her. She scooted her chair closer to the table. It was kind of . . . well, icky. And old. Icky-old. "Your waiter will be Michael," the hostess told them cheerily, flashing a yellowed smile. It matched the ducky lapel pin on her uniform. "He'll be with you in a moment."

Kairi tried to sit very still in her chair, leaning slightly to the left. One of the legs was shorter than the other, and every time she sat up straight it thudded into the floor. She was afraid she might fall through.

One of Sora's parents asked her something, and she looked up jerkily. "Hmm?" All three of them were staring at her intently. "Um."

Sora's mother smiled brightly. "So, what classes are you in, Kairi? What do you do for fun? Sora hasn't told us very much about you." The smile turned a little sharp at this.

"Um. Well." Kairi breathed. This was like being interviewed. She was good at interviews. Even if the interviewers this time were disconcerting creepy parents. She smiled. "Well, I'm in a couple of the same classes as Sora is -- economics, government, English, the required things. I'm also taking physics and a survey of the history of Nigeria. I thought I'd take some fun electives senior year when I had the chance, you know? It's a free education!" She intentionally giggled falsely here. Sora's mom nodded enthusiastically, apparently happy with this answer.

Sora's father was smiling also. "Nigeria, eh? That reminds me of how I met your mom, Sora," he said brightly, elbowing his son, whom he was sitting next to. "We were both at the inauguration of one of their presidents, oh, way back when. After all that unpleasant business with the constitution, you know. He's really a nice guy, once you get to know him. Not a dictator at all. And that business with the rhino was all just the local media blowing things out of proportion." Sora looked like this was news to him.

Sora's mom sighed happily and took hold of her husband's hand from across the table. "Oh, dearheart. I remember it like it was yesterday." She had a dreamy look on her face. "You, me, mosquitos, and the African Savannah. I do miss those days so much, don't you?"

Sora's dad squeezed her hand. "What ever happened to that old photo album we had? Did that get confiscated when we came back to the country?" He turned the conversation back to the bewildered teenagers, at this. "We got married there first, you know. Had an Ibo priest do it. It was a beautiful ceremony." If he weren't still wearing his sunglasses, Kairi would've sworn this had actually brought a tear to his eye.

Sora's mom smiled and nodded. "So, Kairi, how did you two meet?" she asked cheerily.

Kairi glanced over at Sora curiously. He looked panicked. Apparently he hadn't thought anything up to say to this inevitability. She'd just have to make something up, then. Plausibility probably wasn't even an issue here, given his parents' story.

That was just fine with her. She _enjoyed_ talking out of her elbows. It was a chance to make the evening more interesting, anyhow. "Well, Sora and I met on a biology class field trip to the botanical gardens. Sora fell into a cactus and I was the nurse's aide on duty. I had to collect the spines in a napkin as the nurse pulled them, one by one, all twenty-three, out of his leg." She laughed pointedly at this, with an equally-pointed glance at Sora. Sora managed an uncomfortable nervous chuckle. He looked . . . strained. And still panicked. And maybe even sweatier than before. Possibly part of the reason he looked so uncomfortable was that the story she had just related was actually how he and _Riku_ had met, back when they were seven. Riku, who occasionally gushed about Sora to unsuspecting classmates, had told Kairi this story when they covered photosynthesis and cellular respiration in their advanced biology class. Apparently Sora's parents did not even remember that Sora had come home punctured by cactus in the second grade. Somehow, this was not surprising.

"Oh, that's so charming!" Sora's mother gushed. "What a wonderfully special way to meet someone." She seemed to be entirely in earnest, which was kind of frightening. "I'm so glad our son's _first_ romantic relationship was started in such a way. It's a memory I'll cherish for as long as you're dating him," she said, sighing and clasping her hands to her chest. She sure had pretty creepy and delusional ways of saying things. "Thank you for sharing it." Kairi smiled at Sora, not a little vindictively. Sora smiled weakly back.

Kairi was starting to enjoy herself. As Sora's parents continued their essentially private conversation flirting with each other shamelessly and Sora kicked his legs against the foot of the table despondently, Kairi fabricated more embarrassing tidbits to share. She was in her element, here. Perhaps this evening would be entertainingly worthwhile after all.

---

Next time: Roxas actually gets to BurgerMart. I intended to do that for this chapter, but when I hit the average and was still a couple thousand words away from where I intended to end, I realized that I should probably, uh, save it for next time. Also, Kairi goes home and Sora runs away to be with Riku! Not permanently, but you know what I mean. Also, I like Kairi. After the second game, she's developed the potential to be a very strong character. I know some of you may dislike her or just maybe not want to see her, but Natalie had her planned in a good, useful role in the plot, and I kept it that way. She's a bit snarky here, largely because I'd like to see her as a strong, independent character -- not as someone who needs Sora or Riku in order to have merit. -hugs-

See you all soon. ♥ 


	23. TAG! You're it!

Hi! I'm, er, back. I'm just dropping a note to let you all know that I haven't forgotten about you -- I've just been really horribly busy. I organized a trip to Anime Expo this summer (way fun! the con center wasn't so hot, but who cares? I met some of you there, too!) and, er, in slightly more important news . . . I START COLLEGE TOMORROW! That totally would have so many exclamation points on it if Word didn't scream at me for it. Pfft at Word. 

So, yes, that's mostly the long and short of it (more long, I'm sorry to say) -- I haven't stopped but life is really hectic. And just like every other scary fangirl out there, I had a realization today that it was August 13th and I was totally neglecting my fandom by not celebrating it. So.

By the time I post this it should still be 8/13/2007 where I live, but for those of you for whom it isn't -- happy late fandom holiday! And have an interlude to occupy yourselves while I start on my brand-spanking-new scary-as-hell physics degree.

Lots of love,  
Me.

---

Okay, so actually it's a pretty explanatory interlude. A lot of you have wondered about wtf is up with Axel's disappearing bits -- here's an explanation by way of demonstration, if you will. 3

---

After Roxas and the girl he was with left the store, Axel just sort of stared off into space for a bit. Not that there was really any "space" in the BurgerMart. What he actually stared at was some disturbing green display of plastic dinosaurs that was a relic from the nineties but which management had decided to leave since it would cost more to remove than it had cost to put in. Axel wondered vaguely if there were other lonely dinosaur displays in select BurgerMarts elsewhere, spread out across the country, with no friends and no other happy little dinosaur plastic toys to coexist with, alone in the universe . . .

Axel was disturbed out of his morbid reverie (for which his starting-to-ooze brain was thankful) by an indignant-looking mother of three. "Excuse me?" she said again, the tone of her voice just condescending enough to set Axel on edge. And he was pretty used to condescending, really. I mean, he was a fast food worker. Not exactly high up on the . . . uh, food chain, so to speak.

"Yes?" he snapped at the woman, his hands clenching on the cash register. He noticed absently that he appeared to be missing two fingers. Great. He corrected his tone as he heard clonking footsteps behind him. "I mean, how may I help you today?" he asked with painfully fake brightness, his voice attempting to out-ooze his melancholy of moments before. The woman frowned at him, clearly unconvinced.

"You may _help_ me by _kindly_ scraping up three Kiddie Kart meals and a double-patty no-cheese Express Lane burger, onions on the side. Oh, and a large diet cola." Like laying off the cheese was going to do _her_ physique any good, he thought vengefully. He punched in the order with his left hand, which still had the appropriate fingers, although he noticed it was missing a pinky. He surreptitiously tried to wiggle the missing pinky while the receipt was printing. He couldn't feel anything. It was pretty surreal. The woman didn't seem to notice. But _Roxas_ had noticed, he thought.

The thought of Roxas sent him into another spiral of depressing thoughts. What if Roxas really was really really mad at him and never spoke to him again? He was going to call him right after he got off work. But his recent encounter with Roxas hadn't exactly been encouraging. What was that last 'yeah' supposed to mean? Was it apologetic? Was it supposed to be cold? He wished a bit incoherently that he had some sort of Dictionary of Roxasism. Except Roxas was probably like Navajo, or Chinese, or something -- the tone was important. And he'd never been good with tone. His roommate didn't exactly express any for him to get practice with.

The woman harumphed impatiently, and Axel absently ripped her ticket off the register and handed it to her. As he did so, he noticed that the fingers he was holding the receipt with were, uh . . . apparently not there. The woman didn't seem phased in the slightest. He would personally be freaking out a little if somebody just handed him something without apparently actually touching it. In fact, he'd be freaking out a little if_ he_ handed somebody something without actually touching it. The woman stalked off, yanking her kids along, and he wandered away from the register to go have a bit of a freak out.

He sat down on an empty milk crate near the back of the store to better get his moping and his freaking out done in relative comfort. Roxas had seen, right? He wasn't crazy! Roxas certainly wasn't crazy, either. But Roxas totally didn't care, did he? He let that girl drag him off. And Axel had no_ neck_. Or hands now, he noticed, some distant part of his brain trying to panic and not being able to get through all the moping at the forefront. _Well, shit._

Pete, the unpleasant and rather greasy manager, caught him 'lollygagging,' as he termed it, a couple of minutes later. "What the hell are you doing back here, you lazy excuse for a moron?" Pete wasn't exactly the brightest when it came to insulting people, but his sheer massive anger tended to do the trick. It wasn't really working on Axel today. He stared blankly. "There are five guests waiting to be helped at the counter! Why are you not up there? Do you want that badly to get _fired_?"

Axel stood up, angry and more than a little disturbed. "I have no hand!" he squeaked, waving the nonexistent appendage frantically in Pete's face. The squeaking was a little damaging to his manhood, but he wrote it off as acceptable when under this much stress. Besides, it probably had something to the fact that he had no _neck_, either.

"What are you talking about, you moron?" the manager shouted at him. He was staring at where Axel's hand should have been, but it looked like he was looking right through it. "Your hand is right there, attached to your _arm_, which is currently waving in my _face_." Oh, the manager agreed he was disturbed -- mentally disturbed. "You know what? You go help those customers up there, and then you take off your apron and _leave_. I don't have any use for lazy riff-raff like you around here." Pete stomped off, apparently feeling he'd proven his point or something. Which he had. Definitively. Not that there was a point. But getting fired was pretty pointed all on its own. _Oh my god,_ Axel thought_, I just got fired._

It was a testament to his shock that he actually went and helped the customers first, rather than just walking right out the door. What good could it do? But he really didn't want his last paycheck docked any more than it was already going to be for this. He had to pay bills. God, _bills_. Bills! What was he going to do about bills? And _food_. And --

The line of customers he was helping just stretched on and on until the end of his shift, which he supposed was probably what the manager intended (there wasn't exactly a backup cashier around today, and he sure as hell didn't want to do it himself). At three p.m. exactly, the last customer took his receipt from Axel, and Nancy showed up just barely in time to start her evening shift. Axel turned and walked to the back of the store, untying his apron from behind his back as he went. He noticed detachedly that his hands were back. Huh. That was just as well, because he had no _job_.

He pulled open the back door roughly and stepped outside, reaching up behind his neck to untie the last string attaching the apron. He'd never been so unhappy to take it off before. Where else was he going to get a job? He had no _diploma_, he had no _recommendations_, he --

He made an undignified "oomph" noise as somebody slammed into him.

---

Aaaand that's it. That's totally a, like, tag scene to stuff that happens next chapter, fyi. So. Er. Yeah. Essential setup! Intriguing plot twists! PEOPLE WITH NO HANDS. Temporarily. Okay, just the one person. But still: LOOK, MA, NO HANDS!


End file.
